Hump, Marry, Kill: Let the Belly Dancing Craze Commence


Photo: Via Youtube; Via Robert Ascroft/USA Network; Via Craig Sjodin/ABC

Hump: Although the top 20 on So You Think You Can Dance won’t be announced until next week, it’s pretty obvious that Janelle Issis will be coasting through. There’s never been a belly dancer in the top 20, and it doesn’t hurt that Issis is also technically trained in other dance styles. She also manages to err on the classy side of sexy, while many other SYTYCD contenders disappear into the crevasse of whoa there.
Mark my words: If Janelle does, in fact, make it into the top 20, I sense a new belly dance craze a-brewing. Move over Zumba — have you seen this chick’s abs? They make me want to quit my job to gyrate rhythmically all day long. Actually, BRB, gotta go search for belly dancing classes in my area... maybe there’s a Groupon or something.
In the meantime, please watch this. The word you’re looking for is “ohmygod.”
Marry: People keep telling me to watch Suits (by “people,” I mean my mother, a die-hard fan of procedural legal dramas), so, I finally gave it a shot. I’m not quite as easily sold; I just don’t find law firms that entertaining (apologies to my brother). I get that Mike is supposed to be a genius, but I just don’t buy that one of the most prominent attorneys in NYC would be totally cool with his lack of an official law degree — and even be willing to lie to protect his job. We don’t let people perform open heart surgery because they memorized an anatomy textbook. You gotta pay your dues, Mike. And this time, the dues in question would be attending Harvard Law School. If Elle Woods can do it, so can you.
My crippling inability to digest the show’s main conceit aside, there is one part of it that I definitely enjoyed: Mike Ross (Patrick J. Adams) is adorable. Those piercing blue eyes, his rough-and-tumble backstory (what, you think I just dove into season two without a Wikipedia primer?), and an eidetic memory. Hello, dreamboat. Nothing says sexy, husband material like sheer brilliance and past life as a professional LSAT scammer. I mean, on the list of scumbag off-the-books jobs, taking the law school entrance exam for people definitely ranks significantly higher than, say, “crystal meth cooker” and “squid ink tattoo artist.”
Mike’s a total fixer-upper, and he’s on the right path. In this week’s episode, he wanted to come clean about his past to a sexy paralegal. It didn’t happen, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Kill: This week’s episode of The Bachelorette was an ad for the movie Brave, which comes out this weekend. If only we could all be sent to Croatia with eligible men (hopefully pre-screened for cooties because Emily was doling out lip locks like someone at a county fair kissing booth) so that Disney, which owns ABC, could then attempt to pimp out Pixar’s new movie in a way that made no sense at all.
The group was in Croatia, but they were competing in a fake Highland Games — because that’s what happens in Brave. Except the movie takes place in Scotland, where they actually have Highland Games. I’m sure the people of Croatia would like to thank ABC for turning what could have been a lovely tourism ad for you know, Croatia, into an odd, misplaced Scottish experience, complete with kilts.
The Highland Games (and a screening of Brave, obviously) was this week’s group date. For her one-on-one date, Emily chose Ryan Bowers, who was also her choice for her very first one-on-one date. And even back in episode one, the guy was terrible. Sure, he’s super good-looking, but he was pissed that Emily had him bake cookies for soccer practice. Ryan wanted to jet off to somewhere fantastic on the first day. Guess what, Ryan? Real life is more soccer snacks than jaunts to Dubrovnik.
On this week’s one-on-one date, Emily finally realized what the rest of the guys have been trying to convey for weeks: Ryan is the worst. He told Emily that he wants a trophy wife because of something that relates to his deep and true faith. Granted I don’t know much about the New Testament, but I must have missed the part in the Torah where the hotness of one’s wife is discussed.
When Emily finally decided to let Ryan go, he tried to argue his way into staying. In fact, he used the guy tactic I find most heinous of all: shaming and guilting. First of all, guilt trips should only be attempted only by Jewish mothers, Ryan. Second, how stupid are the women you’ve dated in the past that they’ve actually been manipulated by this type of argument? I was actually pretty impressed when Emily maintained her composure and didn’t tell him what a massive butthead (for lack of a better word) he was being.
RIP, Ryan. Here’s hoping you don’t somehow shame ABC into making you the next Bachelor.

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