Hump, Marry, Kill TV Checklist: The Girls Don Their Plumage For Bushwick

Photo: Courtesy of The Hi
story Channel; Photo: Courtesy of Erik Ostling/The CW; Photo Credit: Courtesy of Jojo Whilden / HBO
Hump: True confession: I watched Hellcats. You know, that short-lived show on The CW that was basically Bring It On meets Saved! meets “Let’s attempt to make Aly Michalka and Ashley Tisdale happen again?”. I swear I had a reason, though, and its name was Matt Barr.
Yup, I totally watched a show week after week simply because I found one of the male leads to be incredibly attractive. And while Hellcats ended after one season, my subconscious apparently didn’t forget about Matt Barr — he of the blonde hair, twinkly blue eyes, and adorable Southern drawl. When I saw him in previews for The History Channel’s Hatfields & McCoys, I knew I had to watch. Not because I have a vested interest in history, no — but rather, because I have a vested interest in Matt Barr. And of course, he played the Lothario-turned-Romeo of the Hatfields, Johnse, who knocks up Roseanna McCoy, daughter of his rival family — you know, his only love, sprung from his only hate.
I’m glad I watched; I learned the story behind one of America’s greatest, most romanticized family feuds. But I also learned that Matt Barr can make anything look sexy — even 19th century men’s underwear. So, thank you, History Channel, for actually teaching me something this week.
Marry: When I was little, I desperately wanted to be a ballerina. I danced for 17 years, but I knew when I was eight that I didn’t have the feet or turnout to seriously hack it in the ballet world. I’m still a huge fan of dance, though, so I’m ecstatic about the spate of ballet-related programming on TV this summer. In addition to FOX’s So You Think You Can Dance, Teen Nick has been airing an Australian show called Dance Academy (you can also catch it on Netflix Instant), and one of ABC Family’s new summer shows, appropriately called Bunheads , revolves around life at a dance school. The CW also hopped on the ballet bandwagon this week with the premiere of Breaking Pointe.
While the show is stilted and forced (ballerinas are just too composed for reality-TV-worthy, Snooki-like moments), one dancer in particular stands out. At the age of nineteen, Beckanne Sisk completely skipped the lowest rung of the professional-dance ladder, the corps de ballet, and got herself directly promoted to demi-soloist.
I mean, just look at her! Those feet, that extension...and she seems like a nice person despite the intense competition and jealousy at Ballet West. So, I guess if I can’t be a dancer myself, at least I can marry one.
Kill: I love clothes; I really do. I love the way they help transform actors into their characters and silently provide additional context clues. But, the costumer on Girls and I clearly need to have a conversation about the progression Hannah, Marnie, Jessa, and Shoshannah’s outfits have taken in just five episodes. They look more and more like zoo peacocks flaunting their plumage every week.
I get that the show is supposed to pay homage to Sex and the City; however, the ladies of Sex were supposed to be established in their lives and careers. This means they would have spent the past, oh, ten to fifteen years of adulthood carefully curating wardrobes that reflected their different personalities.
The Girls, on the other hand, are supposed to be recent college grads (or, in Shoshannah’s case, a student) in various phases of a low-income life-stage. I get that the wardrobe designer wants to help viewers differentiate each girl’s personality through unique, outlandish clothing — and trust me, I enjoy an eclectic fashion show as much as the next sartorial appreciator. I just find it difficult to truly get into a scene and zeitgeist when Jessa shows up to a Bushwick factory party in a silent movie star’s dressing gown embellished with feathers, while Shoshannah appears to have gotten the outfit for her “cracksident” from the Samantha Jones for Forever 21 collection.
Let’s get back to reality here. There’s a fine line between “bright, unique, and colorful” and “scarlet macaw out in NYC.” This is New York City; even our birds aren’t colorful. (Note: This does not mean Jessa should wear a pigeon-feather accessory in the future.)

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