These One-Star Yelp Reviews Of 5-Star Restaurants Are Too Funny

Photo: Courtesy of Yelp.
This story was originally published on February 27, 2017.
There are a number of ways to garner prestige and international acclaim as a restauranteur, but getting three Michelin stars is still one of the most obvious ways to announce you've arrived. The stars are bestowed by the French company Michelin (yes, as in the tire man) and very few restaurants globally ever achieve such status.
Of course, if you get that kind of praise, you've likely heaped up some other accolades along the way, from glowing newspaper write-ups to overwhelmingly positive Yelp ratings. But no praise is universal — even the best restaurants still have haters.
Ahead, ten scathing (and hilarious) burns from diners at ten of the country's most exclusive restaurants. Are they just missing the point, or does the emperor have no clothes? You may just have to get your own table to find out.
1 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
French Laundry
"[T]he staff sang "happy birthday" to not one, but two different parties. What is this? TGIFrench Laundry?? I want my $1,200 back.” — Brandon R.
2 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
"My entire trip to Chicago was planned around eating at Alinea. For an entire year I have been eagerly awaiting the dining experience of a lifetime....

Unfortunately, it was only memorable as a nightmare. " — Jessica B.
3 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
"In summary a bunch of cold fish jelly, eggs, liver, bait fish, sea slug, and snail!

... So if you're looking for a place that can make the garbage of the ocean palatable this is the spot[.]" —Dustin R.
4 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
"Considering that there are two restaurants here, I'm disappointed that there's only ONE toilet for men and one for women. Epic fail. There's not even multiple urinals for men, it's really just one toilet. It's faster to walk over to the Time Warner building and pee there than wait in line.

For a total of $870 for two, I would have rather taken the Friday red-eye flight to Paris, spent a few hours eating street food, and be back in the city in time for Sunday brunch." — D V.
5 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
Le Bernardin
"On the plus side they gave me a copy of NYC Zagat 2016, so I can find a place where I should have gone instead." — Tyler B.
6 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
Per Se
“When you charge an extra $100 for the veal/lamb shank (I don't remember which one my husband ordered) it shouldn't be the size of a cat shank." — Maggie L.
7 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
The Restaurant At Meadowood
“I thought about whether to give it one or two stars, but considering I would not want to come back here even if I was on a carriage drawn by 100 horses with a swarm of bees chasing me..... ONE!” — Jenny W.
8 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
“My favorite course was the coffee.” — Nicci G.
9 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
"Absurdly expensive, tiny portions, embalmed staff. If that's your idea of fun, have at it." — David H.
10 of 11
Illustrated by Ivy Liu.
"I kept swearing that we were being 'punked' and someone was going to pop out [and] say, '[G]otcha!' We were just ceremonially presented with a large bill." —Ann A.
11 of 11
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.

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