It brings me no pleasure to report that Little Women has a gaping plot hole. For all the work Greta Gerwig did adapting the Louisa May Alcott novel for the screen — tweaking the timeline and shifting emphasis for a modern audience — she failed to answer the question that was posed all the way back in 1868: Just how little are these women? We spend 2 hours and 15 minutes with them, and not once does anyone bring up the movie's titular conceit!
I guess have to do everything around here and measure these women for myself.
Unfortunately, I was not able to meet the four actors who portray the March sisters in person. But the internet is an enabler for creeps, and it's very easy to Google any dimension of pretty much any performer — something I'd like readers to bear in mind when stumbling upon this article. At least I'm not writing about feet, another far too easy to Google celebrity fact.
Instead, I'm arranging Emma Watson, Florence Pugh, Saoirse Ronan, and Eliza Scanlen by height (to the best of my internet-sleuthing abilities, which is simply Googling "Emma Watson height" and going with God/Google). I'm not insinuating anything by this ordering— humans come in all different sizes — but rather acting in the name of science. Alcott's Law clearly states: If there are Little Women, it stands to reason there is a Littlest Woman.
Let's find her.
4. Saoirse Ronan, 5'6"
At 5'6", Saoirse Ronan is the tallest of the Little Women, which makes sense, because her character, Jo March, is all about standing out and marching (ha-ha) to the beat of her own drum. She wants to write and make her own way in the world, and won't bow to the pressure of society to marry, even if Timothée Chalamet is the one beseeching her.
3. Emma Watson, 5'5"
Somewhat vaguely in the middle is Emma Watson, a reflection of her own character's place among the sisters. While she may be the oldest, she doesn't quite shine as brightly as Jo or Amy (Pugh) but is happy with her modest life.
2 & 1. Florence Pugh and Eliza Scanlen, 5'4"
In a turn of events specifically to infuriate me, we have a tie for the official Littlest Woman. Both Florence Pugh and Eliza Scanlen come in at 5'4", which is still three inches taller than I am, so I have to laugh. The real Littlest Woman? Me! But when it comes to the film, I'll let these ladies take it away.
Little Women is in theaters December 25.