The death count on Scream Queens was lower than usual this week with only two murders (one Chanel, and one nosey reporter), but that doesn't mean that there weren't any screams. The episode, called "The Hand," started out with an (almost) intimate dinner between Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts) and Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos) aka Dr. Hot (good nickname, Chanel!). Over a "salty" dish, Chanel starts inquiring about Dr. Holt's past, asking him how old he is, where he's from, and how old he is (again). Instead of answering the questions, the stressed out Doctor freaks out and lets his demonic killer hand take over and nearly stabs Chanel with a butcher knife. She runs out screaming, telling him that she has enough to deal with trying to survive the Green Meanie. And those are just the first two minutes. Eventually we find out that Chanel forgives Dr. Holt for his uncontrollable hand (it clearly has a mind of its own). It's a devilish appendage: in addition to wanting to kill Chanel (as it literally ominously writes on Dr. Holt's bedside table at the end of the episode), it also wants to sabotage Dr. Holt's career — but more on that later. This week our two patients make it out of the CURE Institute alive (shockingly). The female patient appears normal at first, until she reveals that she lives with the remnants of a parasitic twin in the form of an extra set and hands and an extra set of legs. Yikes. The male patient is bloated, bumpy, and basically attached at the hip to his overly attentive girlfriend. Dr. Holt is given the responsibility of curing the extra-limbed woman, and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner) takes on the bumpy man. But before Dr. Cassidy makes it inside, we see him show off some intense martial arts moves outside the hospital, which Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd) accurately compares to something out of Kill Bill, or the guy that got his head smooshed on Game Of Thrones (Oberyn Martell). He ends his workout by staring longingly into the scary swamp, hammering the point that his biological father met his fate in its green, bubbling waters. Once inside the hospital, Chanel No. 3 really flexes her nursing chops when she decides to give Dr. Cassidy a custom psychotic evaluation to see what's going on with him. Of course, the final question of Phase 2 is the obvious, "Which Madonna do you prefer?" she asks. "Desperately Seeking Susan Madonna," he answers (the correct one, according to No. 3 and Chanel No. 5 (Abigail Breslin)). In the end, the results reveal that Dr. Cassidy isn't really dead (he just feels that way) and that he is definitely psychotic. Chanel No. 3 also secretly tells Chanel No. 5 that he could be the Green Meanie. Meanwhile, Dr. Holt has his first encounter with one of the Green Meanies himself (TBD on which one). Ironically enough, he is saved by his possessed serial killer hand. The fight scene was giving us major Thing from The Addams Family vibes. It's frustrating that he can't control his own hand, but it's also making me wonder if he could be a killer and just not know it yet. Down the hall, Dr. Cassidy is greeted by a drugged up Nurse Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) in the locker room and shares that he is having second thoughts about being a cold-blooded murderer. But unfortunately for him, Nurse Hoffel doesn't feel the same way and is dead-set on her revenge plans. Her bloody, Chanel-murdering revenge plans. It's confusing who is doing the killing in this episode since Dr. Cassidy admitted that he no longer wants to kill, and Nurse Hoffel says she only wants to kill the Chanels. So, is the third Meanie the one with the most blood on his or her hands? Or, is Cassidy or Hoffel lying? Either way, Chanel No. 10 (Dahlya Glick) ends up dead and her heart conveniently ends up in the body of the parasitic twin (who is saved by Dr. Holt's successful operation, which he performs with his hand firmly secured behind his back). Amidst all the death, the greatest romance of the season begins brewing between Chanel No.3 and Dr. Cassidy, until the facade of true love is shattered by a Munchausen patient. Chanel is forced to face the truth about her crush. "I may just have to turn you in," she tells him. "I may just have to kill you," he coldly responds. But later, he promises to not kill her or Chanel. He also reveals that he is not the only killer (Chanel No. 3 is genuinely shocked), but still keeps the identity of the other killers a secret. It's almost sweet, but still very creepy. Speaking of sweet but creepy, Chanel has a bizarrely nice moment and it almost broke the internet. But hey, it happens. Plus, she definitely has an ulterior motive — we just don't know what yet.
And as always, here is the best Chanel quote of the episode, this time in the form of the lyrics to Nena's 1983 classic, "99 Luft Balloons,": "You and I in a little toy shop..."