The first time we got on camera, it was awkward, much like it is the first time you have sex with someone new. I stayed mostly clothed, but I still felt unsure of what I should say (if anything), and I was definitely uncomfortable with him seeing me in such an intimate moment in broad daylight before we had even fooled around IRL, so I followed his lead. I was shocked by the things he said, and yet, it was totally hot. He told me how to touch myself and what to imagine him doing to me as I got closer and closer to the edge.
The crazy thing is, even though we weren’t physically together, I felt close to him after this encounter — like I was giving him something extremely special. I was honest and open about what I wanted in a way I had never been with anyone else.
After the first time, we started having cybersex frequently, both of us getting more comfortable and pushing the limits of fantasy to things I had never fathomed. I was loving it and craving it. But at the same time, I was getting jealous and attached, and couldn’t help but feel used; we still weren’t hanging out offline. It felt confusing, like I was in a weird dating/non-dating limbo with someone I wasn’t even physically getting to see. Not one to wait for anyone, I still went on dates, but I wouldn’t do more than kiss other guys, because it felt dishonest.
After two (agonizing) months, Lucas and I finally got together. I'll spare the details, but it was by far one of the most passionate, comfortable dates I’ve ever had. It felt like we were two people who’d been dating for months — beyond the physical stuff, we were comfortable just sitting and talking. It weirded him out how non-weird it felt.
“We’ve only met the one night,” he said. “It shouldn’t feel like I’m out with my girlfriend.”
I agreed, but at the same time, we’d been talking and “seeing” each other for months.
Because of all of the cybersex we’d been having, I was already comfortable with him. I’d seen him at some of his most vulnerable moments and knew what he was going to like. And I’d taken what we were doing seriously from day one. Lucas, on the other hand, was able to distance himself emotionally from me until we actually met face-to-face — suddenly, I was very real to him, and he was confused about his feelings. It took us finally seeing each other in person for him to realize he really liked me, and that he might want to slow things down.
Despite Lucas’ emotional distance, it was clear that those two months of hot cybersex gave us a level of openness and intimacy around sex that some of my friends have never had, even with their spouses. It was incredible how easy it was to turn our virtual connection into real-life sexual chemistry.