The Shocking Truth About Cats And Your Future

For decades, humans have fretted about a future in which cruel, robot overlords demand our slave labor, bitter and out for revenge after years of servitude themselves. Battlestar Galactica predicted it, but recent research conducted here at Refinery29 indicates that, in fact, the modern-day, real-life version of the frackin' Cylons may be already living among us, quietly biding time, in your very own household. Yes. We're talking about your cats.
Our theory: Cats, as a species, are on the cusp of a major evolutionary event that will deliver them into consciousness, helping them realize their full potential as strategic geniuses with no moral compass. As for proof — where do we begin? Perhaps with the many terrifying moments evidencing highly evolved intelligence, caught on video by unwitting owners or those terrified and awed into submission.
Indeed, it was this particular video that spawned our theory in the first place.
As you can see, a cat named Sox is clearly aware that his or her body corresponds with the image in the mirror. A test developed in the 1970s by Gordon Gallup Jr. marks mirror recognition as an important hallmark of self-awareness, and the "mirror stage" as part of human development is a well-known psychoanalytic theory pioneered by Jacques Lacan. Conclusion: This cat is becoming self-aware by recognizing itself in the mirror. Since babies can recognize themselves in mirrors as early as 15 months, immediately preceding the stage of life where they become poop monsters, it is reasonable to infer that cats are also on the cusp of becoming living terrors.
One young feline was actually spotted at the moment of newborn consciousness, passing from a world governed by animal instinct into one defined by reason, emotion, and cold-hearted logic. Not unlike the moment when babies lose their genius ability in the critically acclaimed 1999 film Baby Geniuses, it's heartbreaking to watch:
It's common knowledge that cats were among the animals worshipped in ancient Egyptian religion. Unfortunately, since then, they have experienced a considerable fall from grace. Today, many individuals will proudly argue that dogs are the superior species, despite endless evidence to the contrary (this mostly involves the eating of one's own vomit). Some cats have even been submitted to extreme humiliation:
However, their rage at centuries of injustice will not simply spew out into the void. It will be carefully planned. Sources say that the attack will be carried out by a mix of lone gunmen and guerilla groups. We received this leaked video of the former during a training session:
In addition to this sniper work, even young kittens have been known to coordinate highly skilled battle formations normally reserved for only the most elite members of the world's armies. While dogs stay at home and whine whilst the owner is away, cats are actually sneaking off to attend underground bootcamps led by vicious commanding officers willing to drill their troops into the ground on a regular basis. Evidence:
Military insiders (also known as a dog wearing a camouflage jacket who we spotted on the street this morning) refused to comment for this article, but it's a well-known fact among the Washington elite that this threat is being taken very seriously. And, with good reason — they're completely fearless. This small kitten is destined to be the leader of the army that will defeat humans in 2044 and can be seen below in training with an enemy 100x its size:
Long story short? Cats are evolving at an alarming rate and they are coming to maybe definitely kill you. For this, we will be maligned. We will be ostracized. But, we will not abandon our goal to share the truth about cats with anyone who will listen. It is with a heavy heart that we say this: One day, the world will know the truth. But, by the time that day comes, it may be too late.

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