Your Sex Questions, Answered By Our No-Nonsense Expert

Photographed by Daantje Bons.
Dami Olonisakin is an award-winning sexpert. Through her blog, Simply Oloni, she shares sex and relationship advice with women from all over the world. Oloni also hosts Laid Bare, a sex-positive podcast, and is well on her way to becoming an author with her crowdfunded first book, The Big O.
In the book, Oloni will decode sex and sexuality for millennials. Often called the "hook-up generation", she believes that the hyper-connectivity of our world has left young people disillusioned and often anxious about sex, consent and intimacy.
Oloni's work consistently demystifies sex – or as she calls it, "sexual fake news" – so that everyone, especially young women, can confidently enjoy shame-free, fulfilling relationships. So we asked readers for their sex questions – from dealing with a big penis to how to have a better orgasm from penetration, what to do if your (male) partner can't keep erect, and how to prevent UTIs after vigorous sex.
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Check out Oloni's advice ahead...
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I love my boyfriend, but he won’t go down on me. What should I do?

It’s always best to communicate and have conversations about what you’re into before intimacy first takes place. This is so you can prepare yourself and have an idea of what your partner is into sexually.

There are many women who do not enjoy giving blow jobs, just like there are lots of men who aren’t into performing oral on their partners. It sounds bizarre, but it isn’t. There are sexual acts which aren’t for everybody and that’s okay.

What you can do is speak to him about it and let him know how this would make you feel sexually, if he was open to the idea. You could suggest edible lubricant to enhance sexual pleasure, which also makes you taste extra sweet. There are also sex toys which are designed to emulate oral sex, which you and your boyfriend can use. Perhaps ask if he’d be interested in giving that a try?

However, if it’s important to you to incorporate oral pleasure into your sex life, then that’s fine and completely understandable. Your body deserves all the attention, especially as a woman. Research has shown that it’s harder for us to reach an orgasm, so we need all the help we can get from our sexual partners. What you will need to do is figure out if you can come to an agreement which will somehow cater to oral sex. If he’s still not interested in trying it out, you’ll have to accept his sexual boundary and think about the future of your relationship together.
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What can you do if your boyfriend gets lazy in the bedroom and always wants you to get on top?

I can hear a bunch of women screaming "dump him" as they read your dilemma, but I’m going to assume you really like him, so I want to help you.

You should never feel like you’re doing all the work when you’re having sex. You’re both supposed to enjoy the pleasure that comes with being intimate.

Have a conversation with your boyfriend and explain that sex isn’t for him alone and that your experience matters too. If you’re constantly getting on top and doing all the work, it’s almost as if he’s using your body for his enjoyment alone, which isn’t how to have a healthy sex life.

He’s becoming a selfish lover and if you don’t speak up, it’ll only get worse. There are several other positions you can both try out such as missionary, where he’s on top; doggy style, allowing you both to take control; and spooning, for a more relaxed yet pleasurable feel.

To help bring something fresh to your sex life, try talking to him about what you like most when you are having sex together. The conversation could go a little something like this: "Hey babe, I really enjoy when we take our time with foreplay. It makes sex really amazing." That way he knows what to do the next time you’re knocking boots.
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I'm single and horny a lot! Masturbating does the trick but I want to have sex more too. Advice?

There are times when no matter how many vibrators you have, nothing feels as good as having sex with someone else. We want to enjoy the touch, breadth and warmth of another person or, depending on how open you are sexually, maybe even two or three...

We live in a time where having hookups has slowly become the norm for many people, so maybe you can explore this as a choice by having a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. Someone you can call up when you’re feeling horny and simply just want to have sex. No strings attached, just some good ol' loving.

You can do this by going to different places – this can include bars or a club as well as meeting someone new on a dating app. Make sure you state your intentions, explaining you’re not looking for something romantic at the moment, just strictly physical and fun. I have a feeling you’ll get quite lucky. This is also to make sure you’re not misleading them. It’s vital that you ask about their last sexual health test too, so you can avoid any surprises.
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How do you deal with an unexpectedly big dick?

The best way to enjoy intimacy with a larger penis than you are used to is to prepare yourself through foreplay. This can include anything from kissing to oral sex. What you’re doing is essentially preparing yourself mentally and physically for penetration.

It’s also vital to remember to simply relax and communicate during sex. Guide and tell your sexual partner what you’d like them to do. You could ask him to gently start off with the tip of the penis and then ease in, allowing the rest of the shaft to enter the vagina repeatedly until you’re comfortable.

If you think you’re not wet enough for vaginal penetration, try incorporating water-based lubricant into the mix and work together to find a position that will give you pleasure and make you feel comfortable.

It’s important not to rush straight into penetration if you want to enjoy the full experience of intimacy, no matter the size of the penis. Women need a good amount of foreplay to heighten arousal and skipping past it can make penetrative sex uncomfortable.
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Any tips for orgasm from penetration rather than clitoral stimulation?

It’s said that the most common way for women to climax is through clitoral stimulation, but – although rarer – it is certainly possible for some women to reach orgasm through penetration.

To find out whether you’re capable of getting an orgasm through vaginal penetration, you have to spend some time getting to know your body through masturbation. Try using a sex toy, such as a dildo, to find out if your body responds to vaginal penetration in the way you want.

Try different sex positions, being on top for example, that will give you a better chance of climaxing through penetration.

Remember, not getting an orgasm through penetrative sex is not the end of the world, 70- 80% of women can’t! But you can still enjoy sex by coming through clit play, especially as the clitoris is designed for pleasure alone.

You can also include sex toys designed for clitoral stimulation and use them during penetrative sex, where you’re spooning or doing it doggy style.
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What should you do when your partner can’t keep a hard-on or orgasm?

This is more common than people like to think, but due to insecurities it’s not often spoken about. Men being unable to keep a hard-on is most certainly not unheard of and there are plenty of things you can do to help reassure them of this.

Try talking to him and letting him know that he has nothing to feel ashamed of. Sometimes guys assume it makes them less of a man, when this is far from the truth. Encourage him to see a health professional who can examine and uncover any underlying causes for his inability to maintain an erection.

There are so many different causes – anxiety, depression or stress can all have an effect.

There are also very simple lifestyle changes that could improve his sexual health. Improving his diet, cutting down on the booze and exercising more are all small changes that could make a big difference. There are pharmaceutical methods that can help with erectile dysfunction, from Viagra to Levitra and Cialis, but it’s vital that he gets it from a trained professional.
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I love having sex but often I get a UTI the next day. Is there anything I can do to prevent this?

Getting a urinary tract infection (UTI) isn’t nice for anyone. The symptoms include urinating more frequently, pain when you pee, a burning sensation before, during or after urination and a change in the smell of your pee.

It’s also extremely common to get it after penetrative sex, as bacteria is moved into a woman’s urinary tract and up inside the urethra, where it causes these nasty problems.

Although UTIs are very common, they can progress to a very serious condition called pyelonephritis, where the infection reaches the kidneys. So it’s important that you see a healthcare professional if your symptoms seem unusual or more severe for you.

The best ways to avoid getting it are by trying to have less vigorous sex for some time, making sure you’re using condoms, peeing right after sex, and most importantly by seeing a nurse or doctor, where you’ll most likely be given antibiotics to treat it.
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