“So shall we meet up again soon?” reads a text from a guy. Although I’ve had fun dates with him, he’s been flaky with arranging them, and is either all or nothing with his texting. I’m never sure if I’m about to be ghosted, or if a flurry of messages written with teenage intensity are about to land. When I write it down like that, none of it suits or reflects who I am or what I want, and it all makes me recoil at the thought of seeing him again. A decent date doesn’t mean much if everything else surrounding it, like communication, is lacklustre. And yet, why is it so hard to reply with a definitive “no” and shut that door forever?
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I recently saw a woman talking on TikTok about how the hardest thing with being single is not saying “yes” to just anyone, especially the people you know aren’t right for you. The temptation exists because being single naturally comes with moments of loneliness, and with loneliness, comes the risk of lower standards, settling, and going along with a date just for momentary fun. But I have been single for a long while and I have given in to these moments before. I’ve learned the short term “fun” is rarely worth the disheartening feeling that sits with you long after that fun stops.
I’m trying to get better at not saying “yes” to just anyone, and to not let my own self-doubt call my instincts into question (which end up being proven right, pretty much always). Dating intentionally does limit your options. When everyone around me is in relationships, it isn’t as straightforward and simple as saying “no” to the wrong people. When “no” should be the answer, it’s still in tension with hope and desire. This self-doubt has something to do with a scarcity mindset, according to Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. “A scarcity mindset is based on the belief that resources are limited and difficult to obtain,” she says. “People with this mindset often make reactive decisions based on fear and anxiety. They tend to settle for unfulfilling situations because they doubt anything better will come and fear losing what they have. This can be detrimental in dating.” Kelly adds this type of thinking can cause a person to ignore red flags, feel like their options are limited, fear that they will never find a partner, and stay in unhealthy relationships. For those of us who are a part of the done-with-dating-apps collective, the familiarity of wondering if we’ll be single forever is enough to make us wince.
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Before people tell me I’m being too picky, this isn’t the same as not giving someone a chance or making a snap decision before you’ve even had the time to properly talk. I’ve given out chances and haven’t asked for much back in exchange for my time and openness. So, this isn’t about a lack of chances, it’s about engaging with people you know aren’t right for you. You might be thinking, well, that’s easy, Tanyel. Again, I don’t think it is that simple. For ages now in modern dating, we’ve spoken about people in extremes. “He’s a narcissist,” is thrown around casually. When we speak of bad dating behavior, people love to put labels on it. While that helps us define confusing situations, the truth is that most people aren’t far on either side of the good and bad spectrum. A lot of us are somewhere in the middle and haven’t done awful things. Someone can be decent and not for you, but rarely do we speak about dating in such a neutral way. A date might have said something you weren’t keen on at all, or done something that doesn’t align with you. But because it wasn’t horrendous, doubt creeps in about your decision to not go out again and that person ends up eating more of your time than they should. And guess what? You’re still single at the end of it, grappling with the same disillusionment, only this time, there’s a fresh sting to it.
Kelly says that in order to stay connected to your values, it’s important to “come from a mindset of abundance while dating”. That looks like believing that you deserve love, that you are worthy of healthy relationships and respect, and that there are good people out there, she explains. “One strategy for practicing an abundance mindset is to reflect daily on what you appreciate and to identify small wins,” Kelly says. “You can simultaneously be frustrated and disappointed with dating while feeling thankful for friends and other parts of your life. Both of those things can be true at the same time.” This way, you’re less likely to fall into the trap of dating someone who isn’t necessarily good for you.
In the end, I did decide to put an end to seeing that guy again. As fun as he is in person, his unreliability was irritating to me as someone that likes to plan. It also felt increasingly disrespectful of my time. Realistically, that was never going to work out. When I am brave enough to say no and am confident that I am sticking to my values, I feel powerful. I’m not trucking along with someone who isn’t right for me, instead I get to give myself a little pat on the back and carry on until something better comes along. I’m glad I’m not forcing myself through the motions of a date for the sake of it. Plus, future Tanyel is going to be way happier for that decision. Her fulfilment matters the most, and I think there will be people who show up where the answer is always an enthusiastic “yes”.
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