Warning: This recap contains major spoilers for season 6, episode 9 of Schitt’s Creek.
I had to take a deep breath before hitting play on episode 9 of season 6 of Schitt’s Creek because I am still that affected by the #Texis breakup. Alexis, on the other hand, is not mourning her relationship with Hot Ted and his Hot Beard. She's out gallivanting with her “rebound thing," moving on so quickly David finds it “alarmingly manic and regressive." Even though there is still a Ted-shaped hole in my heart, I have to disagree with David. I would much rather see Annie Murphy shimmy around in her post-breakup sequins than watch her mope around eating ice cream (the classic heartbreak food of choice on television) in sweats, so this is a win for all of us.
Episode 9 opens with David expressing his concerns for his sister to Moira and Johnny. Moira is fine with Alexis’ new fling while Johnny is worried because no one has met her mystery suitor yet. Alexis comes home excited that “Artie” (I hate him already) took her to a fancy steakhouse. Moira gives her the seal of approval and tells her to “fling forward” just as there’s a knock on the door. It's Artie — and he looks about the same age as Johnny Rose with 100% more scarf. David’s face when he opens the door should be Dan Levy’s Emmy submission scene. It’s a hysterical mix of distain, stifled laughter, and smugness for being right about his concern. Artie and his scarf reveal that he calls Alexis “Lexie” (shudder) and that she’s forgotten her purse. The scene ends with David closing the door on our aging gentleman caller and saying, “our Lexie is making some wonderful choices.” What could go wrong?
Later at the café, David is fielding weird glances from Jocelyn, who wants a job at Rose Apothecary. Patrick says they should give her a shot while David thinks she’s not a fit for the store’s “brand identity.” Considering the store’s current brand identity is an empty store, maybe a little help won’t hurt. Jocelyn turns out to be great at sales, and since she’s got the cheery demeanor of the “after” mom in a Swiffer commercial, that tracks. David is resentful since his idea of customer service is sitting back, doing nothing, and then being shocked when someone asks him a question. Honestly, this was also my retail mood so I can’t be mad at him.
When Jocelyn is “crushing it” (Patrick, too pure and good, but perfectly corny for this world) and outselling David and Patrick by miles, they argue over how well she’s doing and whether they should make her a permanent employee. Patrick thinks she’s an asset. “It’s probably beginner’s luck,” David counters. “Like when you walk into a casino and win big on your first pull of the Basic Instinct slot machine.” They are interrupted by Jocelyn ringing a handheld bell to let them know she made another sale. Yes, she brought the bell from home. No, David is not impressed. When he swallows his pride enough to offer Jocelyn the gig (not before telling her to stop saying, “Have a rosie day!”), she turns it down. “It's just not for me,” she says. "As David would say, ‘I just don’t think it’s in my brand.’” Jocelyn with the shots fired! For the first time I can remember this season — and maybe the whole series — Patrick is PISSED. Of course, “PISSED” on Patrick is just him looking down in disbelief while David holds him. He’s about as menacing as the Arthur’s Fist meme.
Meanwhile, Johnny is still struggling with the fact that he and Alexis new boyfriend could both be subscribed to the same AARP benefits. Alexis claims she and Artie are just “two old souls having fun together." When Johnny tries to pry for more info, Alexis is interrupted by her phone. “Is he calling me right now? That is so 2001,” she quips. I am so young, but I do remember clearly when in 2001 calling someone’s landline was a) possible because they had a landline and b) not grounds to think there was a family emergency or someone’s house was on fire because they dared to pick up the phone. Alexis thinks Artie’s old man quirks are charming. Johnny doesn’t. When he runs into them later at the café and Artie jokingly calls him “Dad,” I swear you can see Johnny’s soul leave his body. Eugene Levy’s famous eyebrows are doing THE MOST in this scene and they deserve their own Emmys — one for each.
When Alexis goes to the washroom, Johnny sits down to have a chat with old Artie and his latest scarf, absolutely his worst one yet. He’s also wearing far too many rings and bracelets — a classic old-guy-trying-to-be-young move. Artie’s style is everyday Johnny Depp meets Darren Aronofsky on a press tour. Those are not compliments. Johnny warns Artie to “tread lightly” with Alexis and tells him what went down with Ted.
Artie breaks up with Alexis and she storms into the motel in a huff. “I just got dumped by a man who wears three medic alert bracelets!” Johnny is immediately guilty (we know this because Eugene Levy’s eyebrows said so) and he listens to Alexis admits she was using Artie to get over Ted. “I’m just looking for any distraction from the fact that my heart’s shattered into a million pieces,” she says, and I almost cry again. Alexis is rightfully mad at her dad for not trusting that she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Before I have the chance to go on a “fuck the patriarchy” rant about how messed up it is that dads think they can control their daughters’ dating lives, Johnny Rose hits us with some sincerity I did not see coming. He tells Alexis that because he wasn’t always there for her during past heartbreaks, this time he was “just trying to make up for lost time.” Eugene Levy’s eyes get all glassy and now I am definitely crying. Schitt’s Creek making me tear up better not be a weekly occurrence. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy.
Let’s end on the funniest storyline of the episode which, of course, involves Moira Rose and finally, SOME WIGS! Moira and one of her “bebes” are leaving the motel when she notices her car was egged. “I’ve become the victim of a vandalization!” Moira exclaims to Stevie who, as usual, is unimpressed. Adds Moira: “My return to prominence has painted another giant bullseye on my thorax!” Moira drags Stevie to council to report the crime to be her “star witness.” When she tells Roland and Ronnie that she was “assailed,” they don’t care because of an interview Moira did with People Magazine. Yes, since the Crows movie, Moira is big enough to be in People. In the interview, she describes Schitt’s Creek as “the last place I’d ever want to end up.” (For the past couple weeks, the show has been reminding us of Moira’s disconnect with the town. While the rest of her family seems to be adjusting, Moira is still rejecting it.)
Roland and Johnny are upset with Moira because they are about to launch a huge tourism campaign for Schitt's Creek. “This could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards," quips Roland. Ronnie just rolls her eyes and kisses her teeth. Yes, a Black woman just kissed her teeth at Catherine O’Hara on Canadian television. We have no choice but to stan. When Moira, Roland, and Ronnie leave the council meeting, there are protestors outside. Someone is yelling “why’d you do it?” and there are signs that say, “That wasn’t very nice!” and “We’re really unhappy with you, Moira.” I mean, I know Schitt's Creek isn’t technically supposed to be a Canadian town, but these signs are too nice for this show to be set anywhere else. Also, this is a reminder that Schitt’s Creek is a prejudice-free oasis because this is all the townspeople have to protest over.
Moira stands up in front of the mob and uses the classic celebrity defence: her quote was taken out of context. She says she told People that Schitt’s Creek was a “slice of heaven.” To really drive it home, she says, “I believe deep down that there are worse places to be.” As a treat, the episode ends with Moira starring in the Schitt’s Creek tourism video in black pleather, a bold lip, and feigned enthusiasm for her little schitty town. The entire clip, featuring our fave cast of characters doing their best “act normal” faces, is SO funny, and classic Schitt’s Creek, so I’m not going to attempt to rehash it. Just go watch it again and again. “If heaven had a creek, it would be this one,” Moira ends the video.
Maybe she’s coming around.
Other Things We Gave A Schitt About This Episode
Who Was The Schitt?
This one goes to an unsung hero of the show, Jennifer Robertson as Jocelyn. Her haircut alone is hilarious, but Robertson’s facial expressions (namely her deranged smile) and her commitment to making Jocelyn at once a parody of small-town moms and an example of the heart, selflessness, and humour it takes to raise children is why she’s this week’s MVP.
Best Pre-Schitt Name Drop
I figured we’d get a lot more shoutouts to Alexis’s past dating life this ep. Instead, we got one. Alexis reminds Johnny that she’s dated way worse than Artie. “Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?” If she’s talking about the 1996 Ridley Scott directed-adventure film about teens at sea with an unruly skipper, then that cast would include Ryan Phillippe, Scott Wolf, and Jeff Bridges. I have no idea how the Schitt's Creek writers landed on this film, but I would love to know what other titles they workshopped. I could see Alexis dating half the casts of a lot of movies from the '90s.
A Moment for Moira’s Wigs
Every week we don’t get a glimpse of Moira’s “bebes” I contemplate writing a strongly worded letter to the CBC. This week, I can put away my “can I speak to the manager” energy because the bebes were back in full force! Moira’s first wig was a white bob with pinkish highlights — think Harley Quinn at a PTA meeting. Next, Moira was in another wig that just looked like it was a black mess of strands thrown on top of another wig. It’s batshit but somehow it works. Bebes, never leave us again.
— I’m still making my case for a Twyla spinoff series. She revealed this ep that Artie probably dated her aunt and she remembers because, “That was the year Santa brought me a lighter.” Twyla’s callbacks to her childhood make me sad and uncomfortable, but they also make me laugh. That sounds like the recipe for a perfect comedy to me.
— With Artie out of the picture, I wonder what Alexis breakup aesthetic we are going to get next week. My bet is on a mix of denial meets wallowing meets throwing herself into work. Let’s hope there are no cults involved this time.
— Stevie had a strong start to the season but now that she’s back at the motel doing that job she told us for five episodes that she hated, she’s really getting lost in the sauce. I hope orgies at Jake’s are making Stevie’s abandonment of her dreams and settling in a town she doesn’t like worth it. #FreeStevie!