A Very Real Housewives Refresher On Luann, The Pirate, & Jacques

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Warning: There are mild spoilers for Real Housewives of New York City season 12 episode 6 ahead.
Thursday night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City finally gave us two Luann de Lesseps moments that have been teased endlessly. First, there's her sip of vodka ("Oh, it tastes so good!"). Second, there's this announcement: "I never fucked the pirate!" If you're a longtime RHONY watcher, you've definitely heard of "the pirate." But whether you've been tuning in for years or not, it's time for a refresher on Luann, the pirate, and Jacques Azoulay, all of whom contributed to episode 6.
The big event in the latest episode is a charity comedy show co-hosted by Luann and featuring her ex-boyfriend Jacques. Yep, in the years since we last saw him, Jacques dove into the world of stand-up. We also see a nice lunch between Luann and Jacques, during which she — of course — plays him her song "Feelin' Jovani." Later, during the event, Luann tells Jacques that right before she announces his set, she will say, "And I want to set the record straight, I never fucked the pirate!" Jacques is disapproving of this, but Luann insists it'll go over well with the audience.
She's right — most of the crowd was probably there for Real Housewives references, anyway — but as for why Jacques was uncomfortable, that is very understandable, too. If you don't recall, "the pirate" was a person who Luann was thought to have cheated on Jacques with way back in season 5.
The Scene
During the cast trip to St. Barths, the group went to a bar called Le Ti owned by Sonja Morgan's buddy Carole Gruson. There, they met Tomas, who a tequila-drunk Sonja described as "with" Carole, but Tomas later said that they were broken up. Anyway, the bar has a stage and the women were invited by Tomas to "do a show." The Housewives and Tomas then got dressed in pirate costumes backstage and danced on tables. Luann heavily flirted with Tomas, including telling him, "I want to be special, not like your other pirate women."
The Next Morning
The next day, Luann was aware that the other women knew she brought someone home with her, so she started saying that she brought back a group of her Italian friends. (Imagine a life where running into a group of Italian friends in St. Barths and bringing them back to your vacation villa is a reasonable lie.) But, Heather Thomson told Carole Radziwill — and all of us at home — that Luann actually brought Tomas back home and she saw him with her own eyes. Additionally, pretty much all the other Housewives heard Luann speaking to a man in French at 3 a.m.
The Phone Call
That evening, the women invited people over for a party, including Luann's friend Catherine Cent, who lives in St. Barths. Ahead of her arrival, Luann called Catherine and told her in French, "Can you do a favor for me? A big favor for me? I went out with Tom last night. You know, the one that looks like a bit like Johnny Depp? And the girls, they know I brought someone here. He cannot say that he was here last night with me."
It was left unexplained why Catherine and Tomas were showing up together (St. Barths is small? They were waiting for the producers' cue to enter?), but they did, and Tomas denied having been there the previous night when Ramona Singer repeatedly grilled him.
The Aftermath
Well, first, we have to note that on the night of the "party" — Catherine and Tomas were the only guests — Sonja and Tomas hooked up. No denials, only bragging from Sonja.
At the season 5 reunion, Luann maintained that she was with her Italian friends that night, but that Tomas with them, too. She said that he gave her a ride home and came inside to see the house, and explained that she kept that part a secret, because she knew Ramona would "make a mountain out of a molehill." According to Luann, the French call to Catherine was because at that point she'd already lied and felt she had to keep it going. she said of Jacques, "He knows if I tell him that nothing happened, nothing happened."
The topic of the pirate has come up again and again since then. It is one of the greatest RHONY legends. In April, when Sonja appeared on Watch What Happens Live, she was asked about Luann denying "f-ing" the pirate, and said, "Well, there must be another word for 'f-ing' then."
As for Jacques' relationship with Luann, they broke up the next year in 2013, after four and a half years together. She said at the time that they wanted different things, including him wanting to have children. No breakup occurred due to Luann f-ing or not f-ing the pirate, and she and Jacques remained friends.
So, now you know that while Luann and Jacques were cool after the pirate scandal, it makes sense that he wouldn't love being introduced with a reference to the whole thing. Unfortunately for Jacques, Luann is a big fan of running her popular moments from the show into the ground. Jovani and the pirate can both thank her for their continued popularity.
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