Button: Pride 2020

Why Are Chris Hemsworth’s Guided Meditations So Sexy?

Photo: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images.
Yesterday, shortly before 5 p.m., I learned that Chris Hemsworth has an app. That knowledge came in the form of a Slack from a coworker. It read: “So has anyone here listened to Chris Hemsworth's new Sleep For Kids meditation recording on his app? It is a thinly veiled horny meditation for fans.”
Within five minutes I had downloaded the app — ostensibly a wellness program called Centr — filled out a detailed profile, and given my permission to be charged $29.99 if I forget to cancel my subscription within seven days. Worth it. Because just like that, I had access to the guided meditations, designed for children, that my coworker was calling, “Truly the hottest thing I have ever heard.”
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Thirty seconds into the first recording, I agreed.
The actor leads two guided meditations. The app designers go out of their way to make it abundantly clear that they are for kids. “Sleep For Kids: Starry Night,” the first one is called. “Narrated by Chris Hemsworth, this visualization will take kids on a journey through the twinkling night sky,” the description reads. We get it — it’s for kids!
And then Chris kicks things off with a low, lightly accented “Hi everybody,” and I am lost.
At first, I think it’s just his voice that’s making me blush: the gravel-y, “just woke up” rumble, tinged with the faintest hint of an Australian accent. And to be sure, that too-rugged-to-be-a-meditation-teacher tenor is at least 80% of the appeal here. But his script contains just enough borderline innuendo to make me think that maybe — maybe — Chris is in on this, too.
“Are you all tucked up in bed?” he asks huskily, and I instinctively look around to make sure my husband can’t hear. “Feel your body go soft and wobbly like jelly,” he whispers into my ear, and I feel perspiration begin to gather at my hairline. In his second recording, called “Meditation For Kids: Share Your Kindness” (emphasis mine), he murmurs, haltingly, “Your body is being filled with love… and kindness… and happiness.” I am sweating.
I don’t know why Chris Hemsworth created such sexy meditations for kids. It was probably an accident, and everything he says at a register below “melodramatic Thor yell” sounds slightly erotic. Possibly, it was a ploy to get more parents to download the app. As another coworker said, “This is definitely more for mommy than baby.”
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Whatever the reason, for a wonderful hour on a Monday afternoon, Chris’s guided meditations broke up the tedium of working from home and brought joy to our Slack channel. I only hope he records more. I’d love to hear his take on Deep Breathing (For Kids).
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