Don’t Panic, But Everything You Know About Sebastian The Crab Is A Lie

Brace yourself. Sebastian the crab isn't actually named Sebastian, as Alexis Nedd, an editor at Hearst, alerted Twitter today. No, his full name, according to the Disney Princess website, is Horatio Felonius Ignacius Crustaceous Sebastian. Which means his first name is Horatio. Horatio. Not only have we been referring to the cheery crab by last name for the past 27 years, but the poor fellow has five names, all of them ridiculous. Not that he'll be taking them, but Sebastian — sorry, Horatio — would have trouble fitting that in the SAT form. Okay, also, Ariel calls the crab by his last name. Aren't they friends? What is this world in which it's okay to call your friends by their last name? In my experience, people who refer to others by their last names are exclusively football coaches and middle school principals. Twitter's just as upset about the name reveal as you are. (Users responded to Nedd's initial tweet.)

Something about this smells fishy — no offense, Horatio. Why reveal this name now? Why isn't it on IMDb? Why isn't it featured in the credits of the film? And, most importantly, what does this signify about Sebastian? Perhaps he's purposely hiding his name from Ariel. Does this mean he leads a double life? Does he have a crab mistress somewhere in the Atlantic, far away from King Triton? It's like we don't even know you, Sebastian. I mean Horatio. Dammit.