The only thing the Countess (Lady Gaga) truly loves is the little monster she originally wanted dead. Meet Bartholomew, the vampire fetus “living” (existing? Anti-christing?) in the mysterious Room 33. Every random scamp haunting the hotel for eternity needs a purpose, we learn in episode 6, and in Bartholomew’s case it’s… to bring us back to season 1’s Murder House in a 1926 flashback! The Countess went in for an abortion, but whoops: whatever came out ends up attacking the nurse. Our old pal Dr. Montgomery (Matt Ross) looks pleased. “It’s a boy!” Apparently, the Countess is totally cool with whatever happened and whisked the abomination away so she could keep it in a hotel room with vintage wooden toys forever, and ditch it whenever she wants to go make tons of money seducing gay hotel owners in Paris. If the evil vampire fetus isn’t doing it for you, may I focus our attention on another plot twist out of nowhere? (LOL, sorry, totally just kidding about there being a plot.) Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare) and the Countess’ current plaything, Tristan Duffy (Finn Whittrock), are in love. Neither of them are gay, okay? She’s a lady and he’s confused. It seems to be a better relationship than any other on this show. She’s encouraging his literacy; he’s “exquisitely damaged” for her pleasure. It just works, okay? Well, not if you’re the Countess. Confronted with the notion that two people she controls might love each other more than her, she dagger-fingernails Tristan’s dumb-male-model throat and instantly feeds on the drag queen’s heartbreak. “He’s yours. Bury him.” Huh? This sucks! Liz Taylor is the only likable character! It’s safe to say Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow and Turbans will be joining Ramona, Donovan, and Iris’ revenge plot against the Countess starting next week. Reminder: The hotel’s random murder victims are still terrorizing random hotel guests. Who the hell would stay here?! Fools, all of them. Fools and extras (plus Darren Criss and Max Greenfield). It’s getting to the point where if viewers have the even the slightest suspicion that someone on the show might be alive, he or she is probably about to die — or even more likely, he or she is probably dead already! It’s basically just vamps and ghosts up in this piece, and this is why Liz Taylor can never be happy. Anyway, the two Swedish tourists from the premiere have been roaming the halls, aimless in their hot-bodded afterlife. Donovan (Matt Bomer) can fix that in a jiffy: They just need to find their purpose. His is clear: to ruin the Countess while somehow looking fabulous in head-to-toe grayscale acid wash. But what’s theirs? Slashing a random guest left them emptier and more nude than usual! This time it’s Dr. Alex (Chloë Sevigny) who comes to the rescue of these two hoes nobody cares about, advising them to find their purpose not by killing people but by breaking their minds — oh, and can you bitches go ahead and start with my husband? Great, thanks. The Swedes get to work, busying detective Wes Bentley in a threesome that somehow produces unidentified blood. But, hello: Detective Wes Bentley was already crazy! Sorry, ladies, but you two remain useless. Meanwhile, the fired cop decides he’s had it with this freak show hotel and flings himself into the wall, and the ghost of original owner J.P. March (Evan Peters) congratulates him for “finally checking in.” As a karmic reward for his loyalty, Bartholomew scuttles into the suitcase Wes is packing up so he can savor the rest of his psychotic break at home. Remember home? The alternate dimension where you have a daughter and a Ten Commandments serial killer to catch on the sly? Nah, he barely remembers little Scarlett. The strangers settle in upstairs for a heart-to-heart about how he’s been scaring the fuck out of her with his random bloodstains and insane rambling. Seconds later, the kid’s contentedly munching on popcorn downstairs (she is so not a vampire) as her dad fires off multiple gunshots at the vampire fetus making mischief in the kitchen. WHAT IS EVER HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW? Excuse me. Psychotic break. It all makes perfect sense. Dr. Alex arrives at the house, presumably to check in on her family but more likely to check in on her new babysitting charge, Bartholomew the great headache. She yanks the tinkling ball of slime (at this point, we still haven’t seen him) out of the bushes and rushes to return him to his mom. “You saved my son,” the Countess tearfully embraces the doctor. “You saved mine,” says the rescue fairy under mind control, now an ethereal, amped-up version of her previously messy-bunned and strung-out self. We finally check in on the vampire fetus’ face: It has a severe cleft palate situation and deep black pools for eyes. Emboldened by approval, Alex 2.0 saunters out of Room 33 with goddess hair and red lipstick, as if she were born to treat little monsters with whatever’s in her sensible doctor’s bag. Will anyone miss Tristan? Where will all the little bloodlets sleep now that their sleeping coffins have been smashed for no reason? And if you got a text from the Countess that said “CUM UP,” would you go? P.S. Congrats to Ryan Murphy and the team for referencing Klonopin two nights in a row on different shows. We all need a purpose!