The Christian Grey cake of your wildest dreams has arrived, and by "wildest dreams," we really mean "absolute worst nightmare." Listen, anyone who appreciates an objectively attractive male specimen will agree that Jamie Dornan looks good enough to eat. We can all stop the metaphor right there, though. There was no need to turn a charming Irishman into a sugar monstrosity that's making us wonder if we'll ever be able to look at cake the same way again. Don't ruin cake for us, Fifty Shades. These life-size Christian Grey cakes were constructed for Manchester's 50 Shades of Cake display, because when will the Fifty Shades of Grey promotional tie-ins end? We've received pitches for Fifty Shades hotel experiences, sex toys, jewelry...the list goes on and on. Ironically, we have yet to receive a pitch for the most logical tie-in of them all: paint. That one feels like a gimme, but no dice. Well, there are Fifty Shades sex dice. Obviously.
This display in England is really the icing on the proverbial and literal cake, though. These cakes are terrifying. I feel like cake Christian is staring into my soul, deciding whether to go for the face or the jugular. I realize someone spent a lot of time on these cakes, but really, it was not necessary. At all. It's a nightmare in cake form. If this is the Mr. Grey who wants to see me now, I'm out. I'm off to look at Jamie Dornan's Google Image search results to recover. See you there.