My masturbatory habits had historically followed a predictable, and somewhat lacklustre, pattern. But I was struck by a rumour I’d heard that women were capable of 14 different types of orgasm. If this was true then I was majorly missing my target by having my quickly snatched clitoral ones while wanking to online porn.
I did a bit of research to find out what these orgasms entailed, and what I discovered I found to be... well, fascinating and infuriating and heartbreaking and oddly life-changing too.
First of all, I took to Google to find out if there was any truth in the 14 figure and wow, articles on Google confirmed that I, Lucy-Anne Holmes, person with a pussy, was a PLEASURE MACHINE!!! Yes, I was capable of 14 types of orgasm, oh hang about, no, other articles I read told me it was three types of orgasm, seven types of orgasm, nine types of orgasm, four types of orgasm, 12 types of orgasm!
I found myself leaping about Google and scouring books, more and more curious about the subject of female anatomy and pleasure. I was a woman in her 30s discovering this information for herself, and yet at the same time I had this feeling that I was uncovering and unearthing facts that weren’t widely known to the majority of women.
For a start, I realised that I didn’t even know my own pleasure map – I’d had the clitoris all wrong. I thought it was a little bean. But actually the bit of the clitoris you can see is just a small part of it; there is much more behind the scenes. In 2005, it was discovered that internally it is actually a wishbone shape. The clitoral glans is the little bean bit that looks like it’s just a quarter to a half inch long, but in fact extends backwards into two branches called 'crura' that are each about three to three and a half inches in length.
I also learned that it is MEGA SENSITIVE, with two to three times more nerve endings than the penis. Wow. We have LOADS more nerve endings than the boys. Why aren’t clitorises running the world?! And it is the only bit on a male or female body that is there solely for pleasure. Yee-haw. Let the good times roll.
And yet, as I sat and thought about it and researched it, I saw that life had been an absolute bastard to this little twinkle, this hotspot of female sexuality. Throughout history and across the world the clitoris has been ignored, lambasted or actually cut off. And that is a really fucking sobering thought. The only bit of the human body that is solely for pleasure resides on the female of the species and it is cut from us. On what planet could this happen? Oh – ours.
I discovered that the G-spot was a little way up my vagina on the belly side. Although it wasn’t 'invented' until the 1980s and that was only by doctors who were doing some research about stress incontinence. But then in 2014 a bunch of Italian scientists decided that we don’t have a G-spot at all and started referring to it as the CUV region. CUV stands for clitoral urethral vaginal, which I don’t know about you, but I find a bit tricky to pull off when I’m talking dirty.
I also found out about cervical orgasms and these really surprised me. Historically, when someone said 'cervix' I didn’t think 'sexy fun time'. And I don’t think it’s just me that was surprised to find out you could have a cervical orgasm. Even Wikipedia doesn’t mention it. But, blimey, Google told me that cervical orgasms are THE SHIT! Words like 'powerful', 'mystical' and 'ecstasy' are bandied around in relation to the cervical orgasm. And I was well up for some powerful, mystical ecstasy.
Here is the rest of the orgasm menu...