Sunday was a big day. No, it's not Joe Alwyn's birthday. Nor is it the day that Timothée Chalamet wears a bib on the red carpet again. It was, instead, the day of the 91st Academy Awards. If you are just joining us and have no idea how much weird shit has gone on in the past few weeks leading up to the show, then count yourself lucky — you get to enjoy the evening for what it is without knowing that they almost created a new category (then got rid of it), eliminated half of the live performances (and then changed their mind), and designed a piece of stage art that looks just like Donald Trump's hair (it's apparently just a coincidence, but we'll let you decide).
After a marathon run of messiness, we reached the finish line, which means we carefully took in every single moment of this sure-to-be-bonkers night. So, let's get to recapping (and gossiping) about the biggest night in Hollywood. Here's what happened in real time — so you know exactly what everyone will be talking about at work on Monday.
Queens > Queen
Much like the Best Director category, the Oscar opener featured a bunch of men. In a year where actual Queens ruled the screen (The Favourite, Black Panther, and the snubbed Mary Queen of Scots), it was the band Queen that was given the first spotlight of the evening. Portrayed by Rami Malek and Co. in Bohemian Rhapsody, the remaining members of Queen gave a performance that I'm sure impressed some locals and someone's uncle. Even though it is fun to sing along and see Jordan Peele bob his head while remaining fully seated, this is the Oscars, not the Grammys. We already dealt with that.
The Hosts We Deserved
"Hey Chadwick Boseman, Wakanda doin' later?" Yes, we did get a thirsty pun in the first 10 minutes of the show thanks to the first set of not-hosts, Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler. The three women (who should really host every show, in every country, at all times) also delivered a pee joke, a "Shallow" joke, and a Fyre Festival joke. This is the Oscars we deserved.
If Beale Street Could Talk Takes Home The First Oscar
After a testosterone heavy first few minutes, the show became a love fest for the ladies. Regina King (expectedly) took how the first Oscar of the evening for her role as a grieving and determined mother in Barry Jenkins's If Beale Street Could Talk. Her tear-filled speech was dedicated to her date, her own mother. Maybe this Oscars will be better than I thought.
Jason Momoa's Blush Pink Scrunchie
Jason Momoa's scrunchie snapped, but Vice winning Best Make Up did not. This was the one real category for that other two films nominated (Border and Mary Queen of Scots) stood a chance to win in, and I'm sad.
The two actors (who have the actual range — Henry was in, what felt like, 100 movies this year — and they proved it by embodying literally every movie nominated in the Best Costume Design category. Black Panther took how the award, but McCarthy's 17 stuffed bunny rabbits do deserve a shout out of their own.
Black Panther's Back-To-Back Wins...
A one-two punch by Ryan Coogler's Black Panther means that a Best Picture win for the Marvel picture isn't totally out of the question. Hannah Beachler became the first Black woman to win an Oscar for Best Production Design, and only the third Black woman to take home an Oscar in a category other than acting, as New York Times carpet bagger reporter Kyle Buchanan pointed out on Twitter.
... And Then Bohemian Rhapsody's
It's not that we hate Bohemian Rhapsody, it's just I've had enough. Have you?
Oh Yeah, The Song Performances
Truly no offense but these song performances so far have been....fine. Gaga, Cooper — you better bring it.
Olivia Colman Clapped For Wayne's World
Mike Meyers and Dana Carvey, the iconic duo from the much quoted and much beloved Wayne's World, introduced the Bohemian Rhapsody's clip for the Best Picture category. And Colman looked delighted by the appearance, because don't forget that our Queen Anne is first and foremost a comedian.
John Mulaney & Awkwafina Did Not Amuse Spike Lee
The pair introduced the star-studded category, Best Animated Short Film, and reminded us why we love them so much. Mulaney is funny without being annoying. Awkwafina is quirky and awkward, also without being annoying. They then immediately introduced Documentary Short Subject, another "good one," as they say, and even though the two were poking fun at the fact that they were presenting arguably the most obscure categories, a little bit of history was made with both the wins. First, Bao won, a short about motherhood and a love letter to the director's Chinese roots. She is also the first woman to direct a Pixar short. Then, in the Documentary Short Subject, a film about periods won. Yes, a documentary about menstruation won. What an extremely female moment. Hell yes.
Aw, First Man
The weirdly overlooked Damien Chazelle film did win tonight, even though the director and star Ryan Gosling didn't even attend.
A Star Is Born Came To Play
There was no way Cooper and Gaga's "Shallow" performance wasn't going to be incredibly earnest. The Jackson Maine voice made a celebrity appearance. Lady Gaga played piano. They went off the deep end, ladies. They didn't not not almost make out.
Unfortunately, Cooper did not pee his pants. : /
Spike Lee Is Finally An Oscar Winner!!!!!!
BlackKkKlansman takes home the a prize for screenwriting, and Lee delivers a rousing speech. Exactly as it should be.
"Shallow" Goes Deep With A Win
Lady Gaga gives a breathless acceptance speech for "Shallow." Co-writer Mark Ronson praised Gaga for being a triple threat, and Cooper has never smiled so BIG. Once again, make out. "Shallow" has, by my count, won every award it was been nominated for. If only the rest of the movie could say the same.
A Quick The Favourite Intermission
It hasn't won yet. We riot at 11 p.m.
Rami Malek Is A Good Boyfriend?
Malek won Best Actor. That's fine. But his speech threw us a total curveball. He gushed and lauded over his onscreen lover and real-life girlfriend Lucy Boynton after kissing her precisely three times on the lips. It was a sweet and intimate moment, and unlike his win, it took us all by pleasant surprise.
THE FAVOURITE WINS at 10:58 P.M. RIOT CANCELLED.
In the words of Olivia Colman, "Lady Gaga — AH!" Even though she joked that Glenn Close should have won in her acceptance speech for Best Actress, Colman's portrayal of the complicated, hilarious, and sort of disgusting Queen Anne was one of the most thrilling performances of the year. Thank God, Yorgos Lanthimos' delightful and demented dramedy won at least one trophy tonight.
The Final Award Of The Night Went To Green Book
If you need to get caught up on all the reasons that Green Book is causing controversy, we have a primer for you here. I will say this though: Mahershala, I like your beanie and glasses.