Bachelor In Paradise Season 5, Episode 7 Recap: Beauty & The Briefcase

Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Remember when Joel McHale and Hilary Duff starred in the movie Beauty & The Briefcase? That's only tangentially related to this episode, by way of Jordan, who conflates "business" with "briefcase" and asks that Benoit stay out of his "briefcase." Beauty and the briefcase!
The drama of this episode mostly surrounds the departure of Leo Dottavio and the arrival of Cassandra Ferguson and Olivia Goethals.
In a most spectacular feat of editing, Leo takes his leave of Paradise through a fun series of events that flows like this:
1. Leo says everyone is full of "bullshit"
2. Leo uses the term "grocery store bitch," a pretty gross twist on Grocery Store Joe's nickname
3. Grocery Store Joe approaches, determined to get Leo to "say it to his face"
4. Leo throws a drink on Joe
5. They lunge at each other
6. Every single contestant gives an enthusiastic talking head where they celebrate his demise.
"Bye Tarzan!" Tia says. This, in my opinion, is a little offensive to Tarzan.
For the second act, Cassandra and Olivia arrive in Paradise, altering its quaint homeostasis. Both are not exactly Bachelor royalty. Cassandra hails from Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor, and she appeared briefly on season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise. Olivia appeared on Arie Luyendyk's season of The Bachelor and left after the first episode. Neither were particularly memorable, but that doesn't mean they won't make an impression in Paradise. Their presences are quickly felt. I'll start with the Leo drama, moving couple by couple.
Kendall & Joe
In this episode, Kendall makes the decision to focus on Joe, the man Paradise loved all along.
"I owe it to myself... to not be distracted by the Leos of the world," she declares. Carve that decree on the sand and broadcast it into space.
Leo & Kendall
No longer together! He called her an actress, and not in a nice way! Then she scooted away to Grocery Store Joe!
Jenna & Benoit
When Jenna tells her Canadian suitor that she isn't interested, he takes the Paradise route, which is to say that he explodes. He tells her she can't make that decision for him. He's determined to love her, and she can't stop the motion of that ocean. (Meanwhile, David is all of two feet away and won't intervene.) His words, which are meant to be passionate, seem angry more than anything, and Jenna erupts into tears.
Jenna points out, "That's all that you have in life, the way that you make them feel." And she made Benoit feel bad. Nevertheless, Benoit isn't the guy for her, and he leaves at the episode's rose ceremony.
Jenna & Jordan
Jordan wipes up Jenna's tears and insists on getting into a scuffle with Benoit.
"You opened up my briefcase, and I don't like your little French fingers going through it," he says regarding Benoit even though Benoit has already walked away. Jordan, as always, gets the last word. Some of these words are fun, like his monologue about how Colton's "business" would be akin to a Louis Vuitton duffel.
Annaliese & Kamil
Canoodling on a day bed and kissing.
Eric & Angela
Angela and Eric go on an idyllic one-on=one date at a hotel, where they get to enjoy luxuries like air conditioning and having things to do. Things like Champagne, robes, and matching shell necklaces. Oh, and cheese. Lots and lots of cheese, all of which Eric can "move with." Eric and Angela encounter trouble at the very end of the episode when Eric agrees to go on a date with Angela.
Astrid & Kevin
The two post-argument lovebirds go on a "fake date" that really serves to illustrate how truly boring Paradise is. Kevin takes Astrid to another section of the beach where he's built a TV out of sticks. Like, a square of sticks. They lay on blankets and discuss their relationship, coming to the pretty unepic conclusion that they like each other. Congrats!
Chris & Krystal
In the night's most ill-fated move, Chris asks Krystal to teach him yoga, a.k.a do her job. Krystal, who works as a fitness instructor and previously worked at OrangeTheory, looks confused.
"You want me" she asks, dismayed. They try some downward dogs together, and Krystal concludes that a) this isn't a fun date activity and b) the likelihood that Chris will do a split is at flat nil. These people are desperate for activities.
John & Kendall
In a panic, Kendall kisses John (or, he kises her, if we're getting technical) and immediately regrets it. And, with that, the Venmo engineer and Meredith Blake missed their chance to fall in love.
Chelsea & her suitors
Much like the Bachelorette, as Tia points out, Chelsea holds the power in Paradise this episode. She has a rose, and no partner. Connor, John, Benoit, and David all make their cases for her rose. They are as follows.
David: From a friend, please let me have this rose so that I may stay on this beach.
John: [To the cameras] I look like her ex, so this might work. [To Chelsea] Let me kiss you!
Connor: Let me kiss you!
Benoit: We have a lot of potential. And I don't really care about the rose. I will kiss you anyway!
Chelsea's story follows the tale of the classic film How to be Single. This runaround with these men is fun, but realistically, Chelsea must find herself. A.k.a, she must find a guy she actually likes, not a 27-year-old beefgristle covered in sand. (Benoit is in his 30s, but whatever!)
John & Olivia
Things are so dire in Paradise, date-wise, that Olivia and John are forced to crash a quinceañera. This means Olivia is forced to say things like "I think it's cute when a guy can't dance!" And John says things like, "No one can cut up a dance floor like a programmer."
Party crashing aside — do we think the 15-year-old really wanted Warner Brothers cameras at her party? — Olivia and John have potential.
Tia & Colton
Have been doing lunges and squats together on the beach. Colton did have one major breakup this season, though. He broke up with underwear, at least publicly. He doesn't wear it. Colton!
The Couples Ranking
4. Joe & Kendall: They like each other, but they still seem new to the Paradise couple life.
3. Kevin & Astrid: Fake TV and all, this coupling is still the most satisfying of Paradise, even though they didn't do anything this episode.
2. Colton & Tia: I like a coupling that quietly eats hot dogs and occasionally offers opinions.
1. Jenna & Jordan: What a secretly fun couple, just busy poking their fingers into each other's briefcases.

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