"People these days simply don’t cherish the wisdom of our elders like we should. In 1923, my grandfather arrived in New York after an eight week voyage from Ireland. He lived in the city his entire life, and even though he passed away when I was 10, he made sure to pass down some of the valuable lessons that he learned before he died-- sage advice like 'The hot dog stand on 54th Street sells loosies for a quarter' and 'Always tip your barkeep, even if he's a Protestant.’ There's a reason they're called the Greatest Generation."
"It's really not easy balancing your love life, personal life and professional life in this city. When I got too stressed in the past, I'd grab a drink with a friend or go to a park and throw coins at pigeons, but at some point all the regular things stopped working for me. Now the only way I can really relax is by watching TV shows about murder. My friends keep telling me that I should, like, do a pomegranate cleanse when I feel the pressure building, but why would I do that when Law and Order: SVU is always playing on at least one channel? After a long, stressful day, there's nothing I love more than popping open a can of rosé and trying to figure out who bludgeoned a prostitute to death with her own prosthetic leg."
“For a while, I wanted to be a novelist -- I even received an MFA in Fiction Writing from a prestigious graduate school. Now, I'm proud to say I work in an office doing 'Business Stuff' like my dad. The people here pay me according to how long I can handle being bored without losing concentration, or shouting. Also, I get to wear a tie. It’s just like ‘Mad Men.’ So, yes, I am very happy.”
"I’m a professional talent scout. I spend my days walking around the city looking for a subject that I can turn into the next big meme. My primary focus used to be cute, exotic animals-- your slow lorises, your three-toed sloths-- but just being adorable doesn't cut it anymore. Right now, disabilities are IN. Whether it’s Grumpy Cat’s malformed jawbones or Lil Bub's total lack of teeth, people just can't get enough of broken animals! This little guy has diabetes. Type 2. He’s gonna be huge."
"I love coffee, but it’s impossible to find a good cup in this city. Starbucks is the worst of all; how do they always manage to spell your name wrong? Near my place there's a café with a barista named Lauren, and she always gets my name right because she's memorized it. Plus how can you call yourself a coffeeshop and not even offer latte art? Lauren draws the most amazing leaves in my foam every single morning--except Tuesdays, when she repairs vintage harps in her apartment. And would it really be so hard for them to hire more employees with tortoise shell glasses, red hair as vibrant as their lipstick, and a stunning shoulder tattoo of Eleanor Roosevelt throwing a tomahawk? I just hate these big corporations."