All The Haircuts I Want But Will Never Get

Photo: Via @
I’ve been wittering on about dyeing my hair blue – in particular that light metallic shade once sported by an Olsen – for about five years now but having heard one too many bleach horror stories, I just can't commit. I even made an appointment at Bleach this summer, had a consultation where they chopped off a section of hair for testing, paid a £50 deposit, and then totally bottled it.

I’ve fantasised about sharp, below the ear bobs and their cute paintbrush-ponytail evolutions, physically worshipped girls I’ve known who’ve shaved their heads and totally overreacted to short, blunt fringes on people I’ve just been introduced to at the pub.

When I was 14 and a hardcore P!nk fan I had pink hair, then blonde, then black. I had bobs and fringes every other year and was something of a French plait legend at school – run off my feet every lunchtime braiding all of year nine on a packed schedule before double Chemistry. I got so good at hair that I did two weddings in 2006. But when I turned 25, all I wanted was long, boring brown hair. The kind no-one ever comments on because there's really nothing to say. I've become very attached to both the longness and the boringness of my hair; in fact I'm now so hairly-strung that I tell hairdressers I won’t pay if they cut more than an inch off. Pathetic, I know.

Maybe one day (definitely not in 2017), I'll have the courage to cut my hair and change my life but for now, here are all the haircuts and colours I want, on girls much cooler than me.
1 of 10
Photo: Via @erikabowes
Erika Bowes is a stylist and Instagram hit that I see around at fashion weeks and events. She’s had white hair, silver hair, lilac hair and this beautiful pale shade of pink. I particularly like the black roots and the grungy Kurt Cobain vibe.
2 of 10
Photo: Via @wikkiehermkens
I like Damaris Goddrie because she’s not one of those “versatile” models who looks different in every campaign. Her look is really distinctive and recognisable and her signature short, curly hair is integral to that. Curly and short is so hard to pull off, but the Dutch/ Colombian makes it look like nothing.’s Fashion Director Yasmin Sewell recently cut her curly hair short too:
3 of 10
Photo: Via @jessejostark
Jesse Jo Stark is a jewellery designer, singer-songwriter and the best friend of Bella Hadid but I know her as the girl with the electric blue streak in her hair. This was the inspiration for my trip to Bleach. It's subtle enough to hide if you have your hair down, but looks great up. It's pretty low-risk as not too much bleach is needed and I could always get an undercut if it didn't work out. Yeah, right.
4 of 10
Photo: Via @chchchen
Chchchen. Louise Chen is a wicked French/ Taiwanese DJ (listen here) who recently shaved her head. I saw her playing at a friend’s birthday with her signature big hoop earrings and couldn’t move.
5 of 10
Photo: Via @sokothecat
Soko (the cat and singer of this killer song) always has good hair. This black bob with a long parted fringe is defining. I fear it requires a slightly more symmetrical face than mine – actually I know this from experience because I’ve had this hair without this face and it didn't look the same.
6 of 10
Photo: Via @binxwalton
This haircut changed Binx Walton's career. I remember interviewing her for i-D magazine and she told me that her agency had suggested she get a new cut so she came up with this style. I like that she took control over her image, rather than going with someone else's suggestion.
7 of 10
Photo: Via @actuallygrimess
Grimes’ hair usually scares me but I love it here. The short blunt fringe and the undercut at the back and the side. I want all of it and none of it very badly. I like that she cuts her own hair too – that sounds fun.
8 of 10
Photo: Via @lydia_pang_
This is my friend Lydia, the most stylish Welsh woman in New York. Long hair slicked back and tucked into a Le Smoking tuxedo jacket is my idea of chic. I've tried to do it after I’ve washed my hair but I imagine it’s the sort of thing that would look great for 10 minutes then turn on me two hours into the evening with flakey gel.
9 of 10
Photo: Via @luisavoia
This is my friend Luisa (left), who went from really long, thick brown hair to a pixie crop that she then bleached and dyed green and blue. Coco Chanel said “a woman who cuts her hair is ready to change her life” and this was very true of Luisa at the time.
10 of 10
Photo: Via @milliebobby_brown
Like many other Stranger Things fans, the first time I saw Eleven on screen I thought “god, I am really enjoying this programme and oh... a number four all over?” That train of thought ended with me pulling my hair back with my hands in the bathroom mirror and deciding with a moment's hesitation that it was a terrible idea because I don’t have the features of an 11-year-old or superpowers. Never mind, eh.

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