Do Boys On Tinder Give The Best Head?

Photographed by Nicolas Bloise
The word ‘Tinder’ has become a dirty one. From horror stories involving cat-fishing, cheating, post-sex crying and stalking, the folklore surrounding the UK’s most popular dating app is quite literally, legendary. Tinder now has something like 50 million monthly users – a little more than one sixth of the population of the United States. Cilla wept- that's a lot of blind dates! Whilst we're all out happily sowing our seeds, the general press would have you believe that Tinder is simply the first coming of the dating apocalypse; that it’s rendered us all slovenly, knuckle-dragging, millennial sex-apes, who after a few episodes of Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends on Netflix order in coitus via their mobile phones like you would a takeaway. While there is some truth in this, that’s just not the whole picture. Just some of the negative fall out of the "Tinder’s just for people who want to get laid" discourse is that women are coming out of it all quite badly. More often than not, we’re being painted as the sex that’s losing out on the swiping game; we’re the victims of "ghosting", we’re the ones made vulnerable by the ignominy of resorting to an app, the ones who are looking for love and are left with at best a stalker and at worst an STI. Of course this isn’t the case. Besides the proliferation of friends who have found true love, or something similar, on Tinder or Happn or Bumble – or somehow through a screen – I also know a wealth of women who are enjoying very liberating casual sex that only an app like Tinder can allow you to fit into your busy schedule. I know I'm not saying anything new here: Anyone with a brain cell can comprehend that there are as many women as there are men using the app for sex. But here comes my real point – my secret theory that’s now not so secret... Boys from Tinder, generally speaking, give fabulous head. I’m talking toe-curling, eye-rolling, "h-o-l-y-s-h-i-t", write-a-letter-home, Facebook status-worthy oral sex. This is important because five years ago, we were all still shagging the crap out of one another, but more often than not you’d get a guy home and he’d be totally incapable of even locating the little man in his boat (if you follow me). So what’s changed? Why am I, and people around me, suddenly coming across more and more men who are to just more generous but also more talented when it comes to giving head?

They’re also all mummies boys. Sorry to get Freudian on you there, but all three are obsessed with their mums.

Short of ordering myself a tote bag with the slogan "eat pussy, it’s organic" on it and constantly forcing my brunch-mates to listen to my new fuck-buddy's oral acrobatic skills, I’m a pretty vocal advocate of the positive impact good head has on the female psyche. For me, it’s everything; I could not date a guy who wasn't up for getting down on his knees, or lying firmly on his back, or resting his head between my legs. And I know that sounds churlish, but it’s true. I’m going to give you now a very brief, potted history of Tinder oral sex including three shrunken-down case studies that provide the statistics for my thesis. All of my last three Tinder flames have been sensational cunnilinguists. It simply can’t be a coincidence. Or if it is, it’s a strange one. There was Robert, a medical student who knew just what to do with my anatomy, for obvious reasons. Then there was the divorcee who endlessly proclaimed his love of heading south – whether or not it came up in conversation. And finally, the pretty-boy hairdresser who made me come so hard I don’t think my flat mates will ever forgive him... or be able to look me in the eye again. These men are also unified by other behavioural traits; they’re definitely all frequent daters, app users and serial shaggers, so I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say they're maybe more experienced and maybe more tutored in giving head now than they used to be pre-Tinder. They’re also all mummy's boys. Sorry to get Freudian on you here, but all three are obsessed with their mums. Which perhaps means they have a woman's needs in mind. And, finally, they're all keen to impress. It's more likely than not that I won't be in contact with them again, and they know that. So they put in a good shift. They aim for the home run. They aim for a good review and I'm noting their efforts. A+, fellows. 100 points to Gryffindor.

I’m not advocating a free-for-all sex-crawl around your local postcode anytime soon

Remove for a moment the old When Harry Met Sally cliché about how the female orgasm is embarrassing and shouldn't be spoken about over the course of a meal – especially in a nice, quiet pastrami restaurant. This is 2015: we can talk about this stuff. Orgasming is good for your health and, for most people, you’re just more likely to come through oral sex. It’s biology. I’m not advocating a free-for-all sex-crawl around your local postcode anytime soon, or going home with any old stranger. I am, however, advocating protected sex and your right to ask for head, your right to receive it, your right to enjoy it, and your right not to feel obliged to return the favour. Don’t swipe right on anyone in a mankini, a wedding photo where he's obvoiusly the groom, and never, ever swipe right on anyone with the bio: ’girls call me Dumbledore cause I'm the head master.' Chances are, that guy's not.

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