Confession time: I'm not into Ed Sheeran, like, at all. I tried to talk my brother out of playing "Thinking Out Loud" for his first dance at his wedding; I lost. I side-eyed two women in my dance cardio class last weekend for enthusiastically grooving along to "Shape of You" during cool-down. Every time a female musician releases new music, I think of Sheeran's braggy quote about 2017 being "all Ed, all the time" and gloat. Don't even get me started on the audacity of naming his song "Galway Girl" while Steve Earle still lives and breathes.
But when reports began surfacing that the British crooner might be quitting the music business for a few years, even I was perplexed. You can switch the station when "Castle on the Hill" comes on for the six billionth time and still recognise that the man has talent. Plus, he's made no secret of being hugely ambitious. Someone who wants to be "the biggest male artist in the world" isn't the type to throw up their hands and peace out, nor should he.
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Sure enough, Sheeran has confirmed that he will not be pulling a Steve Perry (Google it, kids). The pop star took to Twitter to share his classic two-word response to reports of his (musical) demise.
Das Bollocks https://t.co/psh7jEeS90
— Ed Sheeran (@edsheeran) April 24, 2017
For those not up on their British slang, "das bollocks" translates to "that's bollocks," a.k.a.. it's all bullshit/fake news/etc. Cue a slew of celebratory GIFs from fans.
So, how did all this retirement talk even get started? You can thank this article from highly suspect gossip publication The Daily Star.
“Ed has pretty much achieved everything there is to achieve in music," a so-called friend told the outlet. "He absolutely loves what he does and is riding the wave of his success at the moment, but at the same time he wants a more normal life. When or if he gets married he wants to put his wife and kids first and not his career. If that means going AWOL for years then so be it.”
The article suggested that Sheeran would quit the industry for "five to 10 years" before releasing new music.
I should be so lucky, right? Nah. There's plenty of room for ol' Ed to keep doing his thing, and for me to do mine.