Warning: This recap contains major spoilers for season 6, episode 6 of Schitt’s Creek.
I love sports but I don’t love sports analogies. They always seem too clunky, too corny, or a not-at-all accurate way to describe a thing that has nothing to do with sports. There’s always that one co-worker who treats every day at the office like game day. It’s like, please stop comparing your PowerPoint presentation to the Super Bowl, Gary. But season 6, episode 6 of Schitt’s Creek is rife with metaphors — baseball mostly — that aptly sum up where each of our beloved characters are in their journeys. Moira Rose is the aging all-star who hits one final homer just before she’s supposed to hang up her cleats. Alexis is the promising rookie who’s just about to get called up to the big leagues. Johnny, Roland, and Ronnie (a trio I didn’t know we needed) are pinch-hitting for Bob, a former slugger who’s lost his swing. David and Patrick are just trying to be swingers so there’s something there about swinging and missing. Whatever, fill in the blanks. This is why I hate sports metaphors. Let’s move on.
The episode opens with a show within the show called Morning Live with Barb and Lizzie starring two women who look like they were made from a test tube labelled “perky morning show white ladies.” Barb and Lizzie have the one-and-only Moira Rose on video remotely from her motel room to talk about last week’s red-carpet crow incident. Since we last checked in, the video has two-million views and Alexis has brilliantly spun a narrative that the crow attack was a “carefully orchestrated stunt.” At the end of her interview, Moira selflessly asks Alexis to join her on camera (old Moira would never do this — you know what that’s called? Growth) to give her credit for the stunt. I would like to take a moment to shout out Annie Murphy’s physical comedy during this scene. The way she is posing and pouting for the camera is *chef’s kiss.*
The next time we see Alexis, she’s doing her own video chat with Hot Ted (who is dealing with fire ants in the Galapagos) and his Hot Beard, while she’s also fielding calls from PR agencies in New York. He compliments Moira on the movie and describes the final scene of The Crows Have Eyes 3 in a way that made me wish this insane fantasy film was a real movie Twitter could get hold of. “You leap from your nest only to discover your wings aren’t developed enough yet,” he says and Moira quips, “The Daily Mail called it a flap for the ages.” Give writer David West Read a raise.
Alexis and Ted have to end their call short so Alexis can help Moira remember her co-stars’ names and that, my friends, is when it became painfully clear that there is trouble ahead for my favourite straight couple of Schitt’s Creek (no disrespect to Moira and Johnny). Later, Moira is sitting in a room of flowers that — in a shocking twist — are not from her many admirers but are for Alexis from Interflix and other PR agencies congratulating her on the stunt. Alexis is now faced with an age-old dilemma: stay in town to ride the momentum of an accidental-yet-successful crow attack PR stunt to more opportunities, or leave to ward off fire ants with a scruffy man in the Galapagos Islands. Ah, a classic quandary. Alexis goes to Moira for advice and she literally forgets about Ted halfway through the conversation. I think we have our answer.
When Alexis finally decides to tell Ted she isn’t going to join him for a turtle-ful adventure, he beats her to it. As the supportive bae that he is, Ted says Alexis has to focus on her career. Plus, he says she’d hate it there, especially the “shared bathroom situation.” Alexis replies, “maybe you could have led with that, it would have saved us some time.” By the time Alexis closes her laptop, it’s clear she’s heartbroken she won’t get to see Ted shirtless in the flesh any time soon, but also that their relationship is probably over. No, I don’t want to talk about it.
On the other side of the motel, Ronnie is FINALLY getting some long overdue screen time. JUSTICE FOR RONNIE. She hits up Johnny and Roland for a room at the motel for Bob because he moved in with her after his ex-wife Gwen got their house in their divorce. Poor Bob hasn’t stopped crying since. Johnny has the idea to go out so the three of them can act as Bob’s wingmen. “Oh, I’m in,” Ronnie says in her pitch-perfect exasperated but amused tone. “Because I don’t want to miss a chance to see how this plays out.” Neither can we, girl. They role play scenarios with Bob to test out his flirting skills and this scene is one of my favourites of the episode. Eugene Levy has perfected his straight-man schtick over his illustrious career and he SHINES here. Johnny is basically just the butt of Ronnie and Roland’s jabs. Karen Robinson and Chris Elliott are hysterical together.
The dynamic continues at a bar called The Wobbly Inn where they try to get Bob back into the dating game. He swings and misses hard a few times (last baseball reference, promise) before Ronnie swoops in to save the day. She finds someone for Bob to flirt with (a woman having car trouble since Bob is a mechanic in case you forgot) while picking up someone named Vanessa for herself. A multi-tasking queen. We have no choice but to stan. Her final line of the episode is, “And that, gentlemen, is how it’s done. Bye!” Ronnie Hive, we ride at dawn.
I saved the best for last. David and Patrick have the most shocking storyline of the episode because it involves the two of them looking longingly at a man who isn’t either of them. Was that confusing? Sorry, I was distracted by Steve Lund’s face. Lund plays Jake, the promiscuous douchebag we met earlier in the series when he was dating both Stevie and David. When Jake turns up at David and Patrick’s door with their new coffee table, we learn he is still looking to hit on anything with lips. The lips he’s set on this week are Patrick’s. When Jake says to Patrick, “I like your sweater, it really brings out your lips,” I laughed out loud. The way David keeps saying “okay” in this scene whenever Jake says something low-key sexual is incredible. Give Dan Levy an Emmy. Jake invites Patrick and David over for “a whiskey or whatever” aka an implied threesome and you know what? I would like to see it.
David and Patrick get dressed up for their party of three, but when they show up at Jake’s, they find an apartment full of people — including Stevie. “Can I not have one thing for myself,” she says when she runs into David and Patrick. Listen, I know this is a family sitcom but if we got an orgy with David, Patrick, Jake, and Stevie, I would not be upset. That is not what we get. Stevie stays to have “a whiskey or whatever” while our favourite still-intact couple leaves hand-in-hand. First of all, get it Stevie, and second, I really needed a happy David and Patrick ending to offset the inevitability of a Ted/Alexis breakup. I still don’t want to talk about it.
Other Things We Gave A Schitt About This Episode
Who Was The Schitt?
RONNIE. Have I mentioned I love Ronnie? I want to be her friend and I also want her to insult me relentlessly. Honorary mention to Jake for nothing other than being eye candy.
Best Pre-Schitt Name Drop
There was a missed opportunity for a classic Alexis ex-boyfriend name drop when she saw her motel room full of flowers and said, “I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone who wasn’t a … friend.” Come on, they could have easily written in a reference to the time Leonardo DiCaprio sent Alexis flowers for her 25th birthday before he broke up with her because she was officially too old for him. COME ON, Schitt’s Creek writers’ room. Put me in, coach!
A Moment for Moira’s Wigs
A moment of silence for another week without Moira’s bebes. LORNA! CINDY! Where are you!?
— Last week, I guessed that David and Patrick’s wedding would take place before Alexis left for the Galapagos Islands. I was wrong, but now that Alexis isn’t leaving, they can do it whenever. Can they just get married already? Now taking bets on who catches the bouquet. I’d put $100 on Twyla and $50 on Bob.
— I would like to update my prediction on how the series ends. I think David is the only Rose family member who is going to stay in town. Moira is going to have acting offers pouring in after the success of Crows. Alexis is already getting courted by PR agencies in New York, and if Johnny’s expansion is a hit, he can move his business anywhere. David will stay with Patrick. Love that journey for him.
— Bob’s storyline turned out to be really funny this week, but if they are going to keep this bit going, they need to give Gwen some screen time and lines. Right now, they are treating her like a floozy evil ex-wife who stole everything from this poor man and I’m not feeling it. Let Gwen hook up with all the “male cousins” she wants, but at least give her some dimension!