There are some things we expect from Bachelor in Paradise: Love triangles, lying, people making out in front of each other. Then, there are the things we could never guess: “human churros,” python massages, a man meeting up with another contestant while at a hotel during a storm evacuation and finding her by sneakily looking at a producer’s phone. Yep, we got all of that in Tuesday's three-hour episode. Don’t worry, you’ll find out what “human churros” are.
The episode opens with the conclusion of the Ivan and Aaron fight, which doesn’t actually turn physical, but there is a lot of shouting in each other’s face until they walk away. Back mingling with other contestants, Aaron says Ivan lied to him about not wanting to sneakily steal a rose—mind you, Aaron cares because Ivan was potentially stealing that rose from Chelsea, who he is interested in. Ivan says that Chelsea wanted to talk to him, and he didn't want to turn her down. A flashback shows that Ivan asked Chelsea to talk.
This whole time Chelsea is away from the beach. When she returns, she clarifies that she didn’t initiate things with Ivan, thus Aaron feels justified and Ivan is outed as a liar or at least someone with a bad memory. This is far from the most interesting part of Ivan’s storyline, though.
Ivan’s Journey Takes a Surprising Turn
With the rose ceremony about to begin, Wells pulls Ivan aside. The reason? Ivan confesses that when they were all staying in the hotel during the storm evacuation, he met up with Alexa (Peter’s Bachelor season), who had not yet joined the beach. Not only that, but Ivan found out where Alexa’s room was by looking at a producer’s phone that had a room list on it. (Ivan says the phone was open to that screen already in a real “sure, Jan” moment.) Ivan says that while he hadn’t met Alexa before, he was hoping she would be on the show. Since he thought he’d be heading home anyway, he made a drastic decision that he shouldn't have. This really makes Ivan’s situation with Chelsea look bad, since it’s clear he actually was trying to get a rose to stick around for Alexa.
Ivan tells everyone what he did. Chelsea’s “are you freaking kidding me face?” is fantastic. Ivan apologizes to her in particular and says he was going to turn down her rose if she offered it. In her confessional, Chelsea says, “I don’t appreciate the audacity of Ivan saying I wasn’t going to accept your rose.”
Ivan leaves. Many of the contestants are sad to see him go since this really came out of nowhere. Riley tells his friend that he’s “better than that” and he’s disappointed, but will always be there for him. Riley always makes a great case for being the best person on the beach.
All I can think is that this is unfortunate for Alexa. She doesn’t join the beach, but—at least as Ivan explained it—she didn’t ask for him to come to her room, so she’s just a casualty in the situation.
Who’s Sent Home
At the rose ceremony the pairs are: Joe and Serena, Abigail and Noah, Maurissa and Riley, Mari and Kenny, Becca and Thomas, Chelsea and Aaron, Natasha and Ed, and Tia and James. Blake, Dr. Joe, and Demar are sent packing.
Anna & James’ WTF Date
The next day, Anna from Matt James’ season arrives. She goes on a date with James, who is pretty much the only guy available. Tia says James should get to explore things, just as she did, but she’d be upset if this meant their connection didn’t continue.
Anna and James’ date appears to be getting massages, but after being tricked by Mari and Kenny’s “cooking” date last week, I’m immediately on guard. The masseuse tells them that, actually, they have to make themselves into “human churros” by rolling around in a giant tub of cinnamon and sugar and pouring chocolate sauce on each other. The food stuff can’t stop, won’t stop this season.
After that, the masseuse brings out two pythons that “give” them “massages.” There have been many wacky dates in the Bachelor franchise over the years, but they’re usually under the guise of some sort of… reason. Not this time. Outside of all of that, Anna and James do actually bond during a hot tub convo and also makeout.
Mykenna & Ed’s Awkward Beginning
The second new arrival is Mykenna from Peter’s season. She tries and fails to find someone to go on a date with. As she’s crying on the beach and making us viewers think she literally exhausted every option, Ed joins her and asks her on her date. She initially turns him down, saying she thinks she should go home. He tells her that they might as well go on the date, and if she hates it, then she can still leave. I go from feeling bad for Ed for not even being considered by Mykenna, to feeling bad for Mykenna for being pressured into going on a date with him.
For their date, they go rollerblading through a hotel and dine in a room filled with disco balls. “This date, I’m not gonna lie, is pretty random,” Mykenna says. Tell that to the human churros/snakes/hot tub date! As the night goes on, Mykenna realizes she actually does like Ed, a “good guy” with “dreamy eyes.” Meanwhile, Natasha, who gave Ed her rose, is bummed.
I'm thinking it's less about Ed and more about the fact that this entire experience has involved her getting screwed over at every turn.
Mari & Kenny’s Energy Ceremony
Mari and Kenny are worried about not being on the same page as each other when it comes to their relationship status. To fix that, they have a ceremony to cleanse their energy with a woman who refers to herself as both a priestess and a bruha. They cleanse each other with smoke and have to rub a special object while telling their feelings to one another. It’s very peaceful, and it works for them. Two things stand out: One, in her confessional about this ceremony, Mari is wearing the same outfit and hairstyle from the body tacos date, so something’s up with the edit here. Two, Thomas is very impressed with the ceremony and it makes me like him so much more. “I think what they’re doing is one of the coolest experiences anyone could have here,” he says. “I think what they’re doing is really special.”
To mark the end of Paradise, the cast is invited to an ‘80s-themed Paradise Prom. They wear costumes, listen to a ‘80s hits cover band, and Wells even spikes the punch. The whole thing serves as a dynamic backdrop for new drama.
Tia is sad about being the lone singleton at prom. (Natasha is sick and not in attendance.) So, Aaron pulls her aside to talk outside. He gives her a corsage and then they suddenly have the messiest makeout of the season. When they come back inside, Tia asks what Chelsea will think, and Aaron says, “She’s probably going to come up to me and be all mad and then I’m going to have to talk to her.” Aaron, what? He’s the one who this entire time has been upset about women he is interested in making out with other guys right in front of him, including Chelsea. Hey, maybe the “right in front of him” was the only problem in his eyes.
Also at prom, Kenny wins the superlative for “biggest flirt,” Maurissa wins for “best kisser… of toes”, Abigail and Noah win “most likely to live happily ever after” (a bad omen, as you’ll see), and Serena and Joe win prom queen and king.
Noah & Abigail’s Breakup
The episodes ends with a breakup between Noah and Abigail. The people who voted them most likely to stay together must be stunned.
The entire episode, it’s been teased that these two aren’t sure they’re in the same place with their feelings. When Noah tells Abigail he is falling in love, she doesn’t say it back, but later says in a confessional that she didn’t register what he said right away. So, she decides to return the words at prom, but before she can, Noah breaks up with her. He says that he has strong feelings for her, but has also had a gut feeling that she’s not his “person.” He keeps repeating this “my person” thing to the point that Abigail has to ask him to stop. She doesn’t get why he told her he was falling in love the night before, if he’s had this doubt for a while. I don’t totally understand Noah’s thoughts, either, but clearly he’s doing the right thing by ending the relationship now.
“Huh?” quote of the night: “Tonight’s going to get tubular! What does that mean? That seems weirdly sexual. Like, tubes? Going to tie some tubes tonight? It’s going to get tubular? What?” —Anna trying to be ‘80s
Actually most likely to stay together: Maurissa and Riley. I hope.
Best surprise pairing: Tia and Aaron. That came out of nowhere, and I’ve gotta say, it was thrilling.
Aspect that needs to stick around: Paradise Prom! This should be on every season. It’s so nice to have a change of scenery.