It’s finally, after weeks and weeks of teasing promos, Fantasy Suites week on The Bachelorette, y'all! And our fair lady Hannah B. could not be more excited (literally, our girl did a happy dance and sang about getting to get down).
The episode opens with stunning panoramic shots of Crete, Greece — vespas, street signs, cobblestone streets, flags! — as Hannah declares to the camera, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been physical at all with a man. But it’s not about sex.”
And she's right. This season’s Fantasy Suites are about so much more. So let’s get started, shall we?
Pilot Peter is our windmill dude
Peter, for all his sweet, dimpled smiles and good-natured flirting, is apparently also quite the charmer. Or, as Hannah likes to call him, the “Zeus” to her “Aphrodite.” The fact that he kept a “rubber” in his sleek sports car back home should have clued Hannah in to that fun fact. But never mind the past. This week, it’s all about the future. The lovebirds reunite in Crete, Greece, and Hannah couldn’t be more excited to “get dowwwwwwwn” with Sweet Pete. She’s so excited, in fact, that she even does a little dance as she pictures the two of them getting sweaty in a sauna without the sauna, if you know what I mean.
“He is that nice guy that you feel you can bring him anywhere,” she tells the camera, barely able to hide her delight. The pair embark on their date, a sailboat this time instead of an airplane, and Peter is stoked to be spending the day with his lady love. “She has my heart,” he says, endearingly adding, “Hannah and I would have the most fun life together.” Then he says a few more things that feel almost ominous in how optimistic and cheery they are: “I’ve stripped down every wall I have”; “I truly feel like we’re meant for each other” and “I never met anyone close to the type of person she is.”
Hannah, if you break his heart, be gentle, for the love of God. Please.
The pair canoodle on the deck of the sailboat, with Hannah naturally lying on top of Peter. “Do you know how much I like you?” he asks her at one point. “I hope a lot!” she jokes back. Then he’s feeling up her up, and it’s hard to remember that our gal actually has three other Fantasy Suite dates to get through, because oh em gee just get married already, why dontcha.
That night, Hannah shows up in a rose pink blazer over a metallic slip dress, the Barbie to his Ken. First, though, our nervous boy Pete has something he’d like to get off his chest. After several deep sighs, he finally pushes through the anxiety to tell his girlfriend that he’s head over heels, no qualms whatsoever, in love with her. “And it’s the greatest feeling ever,” he says, essentially proposing to Hannah. To which she responds: “Yay!”
At that, she picks up an innocuous-looking card off the table, penned by none other than Chris Harrison himself. Pete can barely stand how long it takes to read the card, grinning at the thought of having time alone with his wife-to-be. Cut to… WINDMILL. Pete’s the guy! The windmill guy! Mystery solved, everyone can go home now.
Peter feels it too, because the next morning, he crows to the cameras that he feels “so secure in what we have” declares it “mic drop, game over.”
Tyler C.’s date takes an unexpected PG twist
Except it’s not quite time to go home yet, because we’re onto the next Fantasy Suite date with Tyler C., he with the rockin’ bod and Matthew McConaughey beach cool swagger. Our sensitive dude’s dude kicks off their date with a great haircut and a few references to Hannah as “my girl.” Hannah tells the cameras that her relationship with Tyler has always been “a great, easy, fun relationship,” a totally different dynamic from, say, Luke (bleh).
For their date, Tyler and Hannah are in for quite the treat: a day at the spa. Because there’s nothing that Hannah wants to do more than attempt to relax, topless, next to the suitor she refers to as “not just a Greek god of a man” (Sorry, Pilot Pete, that sounds like a bit of a burn!). Tyler’s idea of a spa day is far from relaxing, however. He manages to make Hannah blush before she’s even taken off her bikini top with a suave “that blue is a very nice colour” and an appreciative eye that toes the line between appropriate and just plain thirsty.
“Tyler is that dream guy that every woman has wanted to be with,” Hannah tells the cameras. Like, in romance movies? Then sure, Miss Hannah B. For. Sure. Because as soon as the two are nearly naked and deep into their massages, Tyler seizes the opportunity to sneak in a little over-the-bikini-bottom sexy time. Ah, nothing quite like dry humping in the “mini spa relaxation area.”
“I’m 1,000 percent sure that intimacy with Tyler is not an issue,” Hannah says. “Being with him is very hot and steamy and sexy … I want to be physical with him.” Which is why, perhaps, it’s incredibly admirable of her when she opts to broach the issue head-on at dinner that night. The issue being their sexual tension, that is.
At dinner, she tells Tyler flat-out that even though they had a great time making out on the massage table, there won’t be any hanky panky in the privacy of the Fantasy Suite, because she’d actually not take the relationship just there — yet.
And good ole Tyler has the most perfect response to Hannah’s request. Without even missing a beat, the Florida native agrees. “I just want to be with you and … love, respect, and honour your boundaries.” Swoon! If that answer doesn’t get you hot and bothered, I don’t know what would. Hannah is impressed, too, and gushes that Tyler’s response “shows how much he loves me.”
The next morning, the pair walk off their Fantasy Suite boat and back onto land, glowing in the sunshine. “I want you to be the last person I wake up to forever,” he tells her, kissing her deeply. And just in case there might be any confusion for those at home as to what goes down in a sex-less Fantasy Suite, Hannah explains that they spent the night making out and holding each other.
“He’s the most respectful man that’s ever been with me. Ever,” she says. And off our sweet PG Tyler goes, sauntering off into the rising sun.
Jed can’t seem to stay in his lane
So far in the episode, Luke P.’s name hasn’t come up once, which feels both soothing and suspect all at once. Because this is the Luke P. Show, after all. This all changes when it’s time for Jed’s Fantasy Suite date, however. because as we all remember, our musician man wasn’t exactly thrilled with Hannah’s decision to keep Luke P. around after hometowns. (“What the fuck,” was what he actually said) — and he wants to make sure Hannah knows it.
So as much as Jed says he wants to stay focused on Hannah during their date, he can’t help but feel that twinge of anger and frustration and annoyance bubble up during their daytime strolling date. At one point during their fun family gathering, he pulls her aside to poke the bear a bit, to address the Luke “issue,” as it were. But instead of the showering of thanks and love that he might have expected, Jed is instead met with a dour look on Hannah’s face and the daunting question: “How honest do you want me to be?”
Understandably, our girl Hannah is upset that she even has to defend her relationship to Luke yet again, but Jed does have a point: “If you’re this close to being with someone forever, what makes you hold onto something so uncertain?”
And into the evening portion of the date we go. That night, the pair sit down for a delightful dinner that quickly turns tense when Jed broaches the subject yet again just as Hannah’s bent on changing the subject.
“I know exactly how you feel,” she tells him, harkening back to her days of onscreen tiffs with fellow contestant (and beauty queen) Caelynn from Colton’s season. “Okay, we good?”
No, Hannah, he's not. In fact, Jed has more to say about the issue, and rightfully so. He lays it out as plainly as possible: “To the core, it kind of says a lot about your decisions when you can look at me and tell me you’re falling in love with me and then keep around somebody who’s been toxic to this process and everybody else,” he says. “And when I feel worried, I think I retract how I feel.”
Yikes, man. Hannah does not take that blow gently, and she stalks away from the table angrily. “I do not want to do this anymore,” she huffs at Jed as he follows her. After some talking to, however, Hannah gathers her thoughts and decides that perhaps it’s fine after all, and that all this Luke nonsense isn’t worth forfeiting a night with crooner Jed (who no doubt snuck his guitar into the Fantasy Suite somehow). It can’t hurt that after Hannah sits back down, Jed leans over to whisper, “I love you,” in her ear.
And it would appear that their night together was a fruitful one. “It was a good night. Sweet … a lot of fun,” Hannah concludes.
And now for the Luke P. moment we’ve all been waiting for…
Finally. Finally! It’s finally time for the blowup that we’ve been excitedly anticipating since the very first season preview. Luke P. and Hannah’s date kicks off with a helicopter ride to Santorini, a spot that Hannah reveals to be one of her “bucket list” spots. Over scenic footage of the pair smooching on the helicopter, our gal reveals that it’s “hard to treat Luke like [her] other relationships here.” Well, duh! How else could you explain the fact that she sent Mike home (hopefully future Bachelor Mike!) ahead of this goon? “He’s at his best with me when nobody else sees that,” she says. Red flags, much?
Once in Santorini, the pair stroll around the island, and Hannah confesses that she wants to, and has always wanted to, be “physical” with him. “He’s still the best kisser,” she manages to say while flashing a huge grin. “We are completely entangled in every way.” She gushes about his eyes (so intense!), his heart (so pure!), and his devotion (“I look at you and in my eyes, I see my future wife,” he intones during their daytime picnic).
That night, however, the pair’s dynamic takes a turn for the worse, with Luke P. all gussied up as a Gaston stand-in with a white dress shirt and black slacks and Hannah donning a power-getup in that red leather jacket. For some reason, Hannah refers to him as “the guy that I’ve been waiting for” (really?), and the evening begins.
“Cheers to a beautiful day in Santorini and being at this place in our relationship, from where we come from to where we are now,” she starts the night off on a bright note. The wind picks up. Luke decides to sabotage any chance at an actual functioning relationship, bringing up marriage and referring to Hannah as the “spiritual leader” of her household. As if on cue, it starts to rain.
“Let’s talk about sex,” he says. Hannah lights up. Don’t get your hopes up, dear Bachelorette. Because the kind of sex that Luke’s talking about is the sort that involves terms like “marital bed” and “studying.” And thus begins the downfall of their relationship.
“I’ve heard people proclaim their faith and yet they say [they want to] explore this relationship on a sexually intimate level,” he says, as Hannah’s face begins to lose its cheeriness. “I want to make sure you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here.” Luke takes it one step further, telling Hannah that if she’s had sex with any of the other guys, he’d “be wanting to go home, 100 percent.”
Oh hell no. Hannah isn’t having it, and she lays into Luke, calling him out for referring to her sex with other contestants as “slip-ups” and saying he's “willing to work through this.”
“I’m a grown woman and I can make my own decisions and I’m not strapped to a man right now,” she declares, to the thunderous applause of thousands of Bachelorette watch parties around the country.
“I know I have given this my all. I have cried. I have struggled. I have screamed. I have made decisions that kept me up at night,” she say finally. “But my heart has just not allowed me to let go. I have prayed so hard for clarity and I feel like I finally have clarity on you. And I do not want you to be my husband.”
But dude just won’t go. After a few more painful minutes of back and forths (he even dares to say that Hannah owes him at least a minute more of her time), Hannah finally gets the catharsis that she deserves: refusing Luke’s prayers, watching him pile into a limo, and flipping the bird at the car as it pulls away.
“The way I believe love is, is loving someone unconditionally and wholeheartedly,” she tells the cameras. “I want someone who’ll love me through those flaws … I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders that I finally figured it out for myself. I’m relieved I never have to deal with him again.”
Famous last words, Hannah. Here’s to hoping that drink you downed after Luke’s departure was a strong one, because if the previews are any indication, he’s not yet gone for good. Ugh.
Following Tyler’s reaction to her decision to forgo sex on their Fantasy Suite date, Hannah pretty adorably gushes that he “celebrates my boundaries.” Well, put that on a bumper sticker, because we’re all about any man who not only respects, but celebrates boundaries.
During Jed and Hannah’s date, they’re given tall shot glasses full of clear liquid, which they both down at the behest of their hosts. “That’s not water!” Hannah cries after taking the entire shot. Quips the patriarch of the family, “Liquid viagra.”
Peter and Hannah eating chocolate cake in the Fantasy Suite in a deleted scene may just be the literal sweetest moment yet. Before the evening turned sexy, it appears, Peter attempted to toss berries into Hannah’s mouth. “I will not go upstairs until we get it in the mouth,” she laughs.