We all get reflective this time of year. As 2014 comes to a close, we look back at the most important moments of the last 12 months: The news stories, the political shifts, the latest crop of celebrity babies and celebrity baby names. Today, we reflect back on all the naked people.
Welcome to The Year In NSFW. Here, we highlight the 30 best, worst, and most bizarre NSFW moments of 2014. Relive all the thrilling sex scenes, the stunning photos, and the triple-breasted creatures that made headlines. Just make sure no one's looking first.
Kendall Jenner Goes Sheer
Months before her sister tried to #breaktheinternet, Kendall Jenner made waves at New York Fashion Week when she walked the runway braless, in a sheer top. Many balked at the bold move, but Jenner went on to have a huge year, firmly staking her claim in the fashion world.
Ben Affleck's Penis Makes Its Film Debut
It's possible that Ben Affleck's dick got more press than the actor himself this year. Gone Girl was one of the biggest films of the year, and though it had many a shocking twist, nothing got people more excited than that split second where you could almost-kind-of see Affleck's bathing-suit parts. How come nobody got all riled up over Neil Patrick Harris' equally exposed genitals? Because they were covered in blood?
Instagram Has A Plus-Size Problem
College student Samm Newman found her Instagram account deleted after she posted photos of herself in lingerie. However, as Newman pointed out, Instagram (and its owner, Facebook) doesn't seem to have a problem with the thousands of skinny women posting skimpy selfies. Instagram claimed it was an error, but this was not the first time a plus-size woman got flagged for showing her body.
This hashtag tackled another double standard about skin and social media. Female celebrities like Dree Hemingway and Lena Dunham all showed their support for #FreeTheNipple, but none more so than Rumer Willis, who Tweeted topless shots of herself walking around NYC last summer. While many people saw it as merely an opportunity for shock value, the women behind #FreeTheNipple (and the upcoming feature film) point out that it is illegal for women to be topless in 35 states. Women can be fined up to $2,500 (£2,000) or jailed for up to three years for exposure, even when it's for breastfeeding. Not so silly anymore, huh?
Breast milk Has A Moment
Breastfeeding has been around since, well, the dawn of humankind. But, it's had its ups and downs in terms of social acceptance over the centuries, and 2014 was a big year for the boob. Athletes used breast milk as a supplement, a documentary examined the history and benefits of breastfeeding, and celebrity moms like Alyssa Milano shared nursing selfies in order to #NormalizeIt on social media.
LeVar Burton Reads Go The F*ck To Sleep
And, it was the best episode of Reading Rainbow we've ever seen.
WTF, US Airways?!
We're still not entirely sure how this happened, but US Airways tweeted this extremely graphic photo in response to a customer-service complaint. Click here for the uncensored version of a woman with a model airplane taking a nosedive directly into her vagina. Like, directly into it.
Alexander Skarsgård Enjoys The Great Outdoors
In slightly less shocking images, Alexander Skarsgård shared this curious photo of himself taking what must be a pretty chilly bathroom break. Skarsgård apparently took the photo after reaching the South Pole, leaving us with nothing but questions: Who installed this toilet at the South Pole? And, why? And, whom do you call when the thing gets clogged? Get back to us, Skarsgård.
Belle Knox Comes Out
Miriam Weeks began shooting pornography under the stage name Belle Knox to defray her tuition costs at Duke University. After being outed by a fellow student, she began writing essays and giving interviews to explain her reasons behind choosing this path. "I couldn't afford $60,000 in tuition, my family has undergone significant financial burden, and I saw a way to graduate from my dream school free of debt, doing something I absolutely love," she said in a piece on xoJane. "Because, to be clear: My experience in porn has been nothing but supportive, exciting, thrilling and empowering."
Performance Artist Re-creates L’Origine du Monde
Deborah de Robertis stunned visitors at the Musée d’Orsay when she walked in and sat down, legs spread, in front of Gustave Courbet's painting L’Origine du Monde (translation: the origin of the world). The painting itself is NSFW, being a still life of a vulva — though not an open one. "In his realist painting, the painter shows the open legs, but the vagina remains closed," said de Robertis. "He does not reveal the hole, that is to say, the eye. I am not showing my vagina, but I am revealing what we do not see in the painting — the eye of the vagina...the origin of the origin."
Seth Rogen Whips It Out For Pinups
When this goofy nude drawing of Seth Rogen went viral earlier this year, many initially suspected that James Franco was behind it. It's a fair assumption, given Franco and Rogen's recent collaborations (See: "Bound 3"), but in fact, it was part of a spread in Pinups Magazine. Editor Christopher Schulz drew the portraits of Seth in various seductive positions back 2011, but the issue is still available for purchase now. Christmas is coming, people.
Lars von Trier doesn't go easy on his audience, and this film is no exception. When combined, the uncut version of Nymphomaniac, Vol. I & II is more than five straight hours of NSFW. And, when you're not watching Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stacy Martin, and Shia LaBeouf have all the sex ever, you get to listen to Stellan Skarsgård tell a really exciting story about fishing. If you got through both those suckers, bravo.
"Driver, roll up the partition, please."
Director Jake Nava explained that Beyoncé wanted to "go even more risqué than she's been in the past." Mission accomplished. We'll let the "Partition" video speak for itself (as if you haven't seen it 11 times already), but Bey explains that this video was, in part, a celebration of her body after birth. "I wanted to show my body," she says. "You can have your child and you can still have fun and still be sexy."
Chelsea Handler > Putin
Chelsea Handler is another woman not afraid to flaunt it, Instagram guidelines be damned. Posted alongside Vladimir Putin's infamous topless horseback shot, Handler's is captioned, "Taking this down is sexist. I have every right to prove I have a better body than Putin." Bonus points for wearing a helmet.
Celebrity Phone-Hack 2014
Possibly the ugliest NSFW moment this year was the revolting celebrity phone-hack orchestrated by users on 4Chan. Hundreds of nude photos hit the internet in September 2014, including private shots belonging to Kate Upton, Kirsten Dunst, and Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence responded in Vanity Fair the following month, saying, "It is not a scandal. It is a sex crime. Just because I’m a public figure, just because I’m an actress, does not mean that I asked for this. It does not mean that it comes with the territory. It’s my body, and it should be my choice, and the fact that it is not my choice is absolutely disgusting."
Keira Knightley Takes A Stand For Body Positivity
This is one nude photo you're supposed to see. Patrick Demarchelier shot this photo of Knightley for Interview only after the magazine agreed not to Photoshop it. "I've had my body manipulated so many different times for so many different reasons, whether it's paparazzi photographers or for film posters," Knightley told The Times. "I think women's bodies are a battleground and photography is partly to blame."
And, Then There's Kim
Little Girls Drop F-Bombs For Feminism
FCKH8, a T-shirt company/activist group, produced this funny little video to make a point about gender equality. Dressed up in bubblegum-pink princess gowns, a group of little girls swear a blue streak while pointing out that there are a lot worse things in this world than the F-word. For example: rape, harassment, and pay inequality. The point here being, maybe we shouldn't be so shocked by little girls swearing and save our outrage for these truly fucked-up facts.
Stranger By A Lake
While Nymphomaniac kind of stole all the thunder regarding cinematic sex, Stranger By a Lake was the sexy sleeper of the year. A French erotic thriller about two men in a lethal love affair, it prompted one reviewer to write, "This lake is a sexual refuge, about to be stained by sin and blood." Sold.
Scandal Has Phone Sex, Gives Everyone The Creeps
To be fair, phone sex is never not awkward. But, the recent scene of smartphone cunnilingus on Scandal got everyone squirming in their seats. Good try, Scandal. But, no. No, no, no, no, no, please, thanks.
Justin Theroux Takes His Penis For A Jog
Not since Baywatch has jogging been quite so scandalous. But, viewers and co-stars all agree that Justin Theroux's penis had become unmanageable and out of control. After one particularly, ahem, active scene on The Leftovers, the wardrobe department took the matter in hand. Now, whenever he jogs on screen, Justin is required to wear two pairs of underpants, lest he set your TV set on fire.
Disney Dick Pics, At Last
After eleventeenbillion Disney Princess roundups this year, Jezebel's Disney dude dick pics were a breath of fresh air. Artist Tara Jacoby deftly designed the shlongs of everyone from Prince Charming to Kristoff, based on their character and personality traits. Aladdin, for example, is drawn flaccid because, "like a magic lamp, you have to rub it to get it to do anything. This one's a grower, not a show-er."
Girl Has Three Boobs...Wait, No She Doesn't
Hey, remember ol' triple boob?! For three whole days, we almost believed there was a woman out there with a third breast. Shortly after going viral, Jasmine Tridevil lost her third boob at an airport and TMZ got a hold of the lost-property claim listing it as a prosthesis. The internet was collectively crushed, hurt, and betrayed. Though, as Tridevil says, "People take 3 tits way too seriously. Ya'll need to chill lol." Keep an eye out for her music video next year!
25 Photoshop-Free Breasts
These breasts, however, are as real as they come. In this story, we aimed to highlight 25 women's chests and all their various narratives. Breasts play so many roles in our lives. As our own Kelly Bourdet explains, "Our breasts can be supremely sexually pleasurable; they can be a source of anxiety about 'measuring up' to cultural expectations. They can be beautiful; they can be a source of illness and pain." We wanted to hear, and see, the whole story.
What more can we say that hasn't already been said about Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda," except: Holy bananas, those are some butts.
Drone Porn Is The Prettiest Porn You've Ever Seen
The nice thing about shooting pornography with a drone is that you get some absolutely gorgeous landscape shots. I mean, just look at this lush, verdant forest. The bad news is that the naked people are so far away that you'll literally miss them if you blink. But, this might be the perfect fit if you're looking for porn you can safely watch with your parents! But, you weren't, were you?
UK Rowing Team Gets Naked For A Cause
Each year, the University of Warwick rowing team puts out a nude-dude calendar to raise money for various charities. For their 2015 calendar, released in October, they've set up an organization called Sports Allies, to fight homophobia in schools and sports teams. In previous years, the team has raised over $300,000 in funds, so you can feel good about ogling a bunch of incredibly hot, fit men running and frolicking naked in the English countryside. Do it for the kids!
Jen Davis Documents Her Weight-Loss Surgery
Jen Davis' photos tell a previously unseen side of the story about weight-loss surgery. Through these stunning self-portraits, Davis depicts the discomfort, the strangeness, and the isolation that this kind of transformation can bring. "I really was able to start to articulate my issues, articulate my body and fears, as well, with the camera," Davis told us. "It was like my voice, in a way."
Nick Jonas Grows Up, With A Vengeance
Remember when Nick Jonas was "the cute one?" Yeah, neither do we, after this spread in Flaunt magazine. Our little boy is all grown up and grabbing his crotch on camera. Welcome to adulthood, Nick. Still got that purity ring?
The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer Is One Big Tease
We leave you with someone to look forward to for 2015. The Fifty Shades trailer promises us plenty of sensual glaring and silky handcuffing this coming Valentine's Day. Until then, try and keep your pants on. Or don't — your call.