Let's talk about Lindsay Lohan's voice. No – not the vaguely European accent that makes a very special appearance in this, the very first episode of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club – but rather, the husky, old world and ageless rasp that made lines like "the limit does not exist!" so iconic. It's a beautiful thing, Lindsay's voice, and its one of the key ingredients in this new MTV reality show about the actresses's "day club" in Mykonos and the not-so-motley crew of American "VIP ambassadors" she's flown in to staff it and stir up the drama.
Without Lindsay's voice-over and on camera platitudes about business, this show would be a less interesting Vanderpump Rules by way of Jersey Shore. But with it? Well. There's a reason she's a star.
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And now, let's meet Panos – Lindsay's business partner. Panos is like the Greek Jonathan Cheban except he's actually charismatic and has a real job and...he's nothing like Jonathan Cheban. But he IS Lindsay's business partner and he cares about her like she's a member of his own family. The two meet for breakfast cocktails (Panos tells Lindsay "good morning" but the time stamp indicates it's 2:45 in the afternoon) and they discuss the incoming ambassadors.
Cue footage of some hot bartenders and bottle service workers telling us about their ambition and drive as they arrive in Mykonos via private jet. Don't worry about remembering who anybody is at this point. Seriously. It doesn't matter.
The VIP Ambassadors make their way to the "Host Villa" where there is "smoosh room" and all the liquor bottles come in size magnum. They get drunk. They get in the pool. And then! Lindsay and Panos show up! Lindsay channels Tyra Banks ands tells Gabi she's going to have to die her hair pink because the club DJ has blue hair. They pow wow around the outdoor hearth.
Brent is a playboy who you will be shocked (shocked!) to discover was bullied in high school. Jonnita is more than a pretty face and has struggled. Jules, The Blonde, is religious. Lindsay seems disappointed by this news and shares that she practices "her own personal religion" which involves meditating three times. (She also speaks to America's high priestess Oprah almost ever day but leaves that part out.)
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For some reason Gabi takes the meeting in her soaking wet bra and Lindsay is not impressed.
"It's like me going to meet Steven Spielberg in a bra," she tells us in VO.
Later, she and Panos analyze how the impromptu meeting went and even though Lindsay is crying, she tells Panos that if he gets emotional, "I'm going to become Putin." Only she says Putin in the thickest Eastern European accent and I watched it numerous times and it might be the highlight of the entire episode.
Lindsay and Panos discuss the time her then-fiancée hit her on the very beach where Lohan Beach Club now exists. Her (literally) buying the beach was her form of revenge and when her mom, Dina, saw it for the first time she wept.
Now it's the ambassador's big first day on the job. The beach front club is nice, like an upscale, kind of crowded Sandals resort, and I'm pretty sure it was cold the day they filmed even though women are in bikinis. Panos immediately assigns playboy Brent to attend to the wishes of special guest Natasha who is (we're told) an influencer from Dubai. Everyone else gets cabana duty. Lindsay is in full Greek Goddess regalia and makeup for days, which includes heavy blue eyeshadow, red lips, and a smattering of gold leaf applied to her cheekbones.
There's some drama when some of the other girls are mean to May. May and Lindsay cry it out and May says she's never had a boss who cares about her. Lindsay, who has changed from her toga into a sequined sweatshirt and is now hanging in a cabana with friends, asks the other girls to be nice to May.
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The best part of the whole day is some hastily cut-in footage of Lindsay emerging from a cabana with a length of blue cloth demanding to know who left it there as she chides someone off camera, "Come on guys, we're not poor – we don't do this."
There's a very problematic story line brewing back at the VIP Villa because the girls feel like Brent did nothing but drink tequila and French kiss Natasha all day (true). In response, he's like "Who was the highest earner??" (It was Brent). And then Panos tells the group that Brent worked the hardest and did the best and Jonitta was taking shots and partying. Jonitta is like, hey hold up, I was throwing those drinks over my shoulder (cut to footage of Jonitta literally throwing a shot over her shoulder) but Panos, who is wearing a cute and sort-of military inspired red cap (he appears to be a hat guy) is unmoved.
Gabi dyes her hair pink to prove her devotion.
In an on-camera testimonial, Lindsay (who looks FANTASTIC in green) tries to punctuate a point by snapping, but discovers she can't do it with her left hand. Her entire vibe in these segments is very white-wine-and-half-a-Xanax and I would watch it for days.
And just like that, episode one draws to a close! In the upcoming scenes we glimpse Brent and some other background characters fighting (boring) and a sneak peek of Lindsay's now-famous dance moves (very exciting). I will keep watching. But at this point, it's only for La Lohan.