Jim Harbaugh (49ers Coach): Younger; former NFL QB; could very well strangle his own players or turn his headset into a weapon.
* Jack and Jackie Harbaugh: Love both sons no matter who wins. Jackie will wear a neutral color.
** These are their real names.
Ray Lewis (Linebacker): This is his last game ever. After 17 years with the same team, he’s heading to retirement. He’s been accused of being involved in a double murder and doping with deer-antler spray. In case you had doubts, he says he’s a man of God.
Joe Flacco (Quarterback): Wants to be considered ‘elite’; contract is up at the end of the season, although the Ravens will likely re-sign him for a lot. A LOT.
Ray Rice (Runningback): Small but shifty. “Little Ray” does more than just run, he catches balls, too. Good job.
Torrey Smith (Wide Receiver): Less than 24 hours after losing his brother in a motorcycle accident, Smith helped the Ravens beat the Patriots. He plays for his family every time he takes the field. How can you not root for him?! (h/t Andrew Brennan New York, NY)
Colin Kaepernick (Quarterback): Started the season as a back-up and ending it as a star; owns a large tortoise and has a lot of tats. He’s started his own photo fad, “Kaepernicking”: when you flex and kiss your bicep. If he wins with his combo of throwing AND running, he’ll be the 3rd youngest QB to pull it off. He’ll also get a free Red Robin pass for life. There’s a lot on the line here.
Vernon Davis (Tight End): A top tight end (ha) and art gallery owner. [Insert joke here.] He’s thankful to his former coach for benching him after a tirade during a ‘08 game.
The “Smith Brothers”: Justin and Aldon are not blood brothers, nor Smash brothers, but a Missouri two-some who have formed a fearsome one-two punch.That sounds intense.
David Akers: A ‘49ers kicker who’s lost his footing and gets yelled at a lot. Also known as “Ache-ers.” (h/t Trisha Engelman, Chicago, IL)
Alex Smith: The very sad-looking man in the corner. Used to be the star QB for the '49ers until he got concussed.
Chris Culliver: Apparently the '49er player wouldn’t accept a gay teammate. He’s kind of apologized. We don’t expect GLAAD to honor him.
Dan Marino: Football Hall of Famer who will work the pre-show for CBS. Apparently he also worked a CBS PA and impregnated her.