Trump Finally Admits There's One Thing He's Been Hiding All Along

Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.
As if trying to understand the inner workings of Donald Trump's brain wasn't enough of a mindfuck, the confusion surrounding his hair makes his speech patterns seem clear as day. The only thing anyone seems to know for sure about Trump's hair is that he has (some of) it. The rest is pure conjecture.
Recently, however, a few more details have come to light. In January, White House physician Ronny L. Johnson confirmed that the president does take a small dose of Propecia, a prescription drug that treats male-pattern baldness. Michael Wolff wrote in his controversial book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, that Ivanka described the mechanics of her father's combover as "an absolutely clean pate ... surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray."
This morning, while addressing the crowd at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Trump paused to admire his own super-sized image in the screen behind him ("By the way, what a nice picture that is. Look at that. I’d love to watch that guy speak, oh boy.") and confessed that, no, good hair does not come naturally to him. "I try like hell to hide that bald spot, folks," he said, which is about the most believable thing that's ever come out of his mouth. "I work hard at it."
The crowd went wild, which is a nice thing that happens when you surround yourself with sycophants. And so, standing against a backdrop with a bold-faced callout to the NRA, he turned to his audience, all clapping, all laughing at his self-deprecating joke, and reassured them, almost prophetically, "It doesn't look bad, hey? We're hangin' in. We're hangin' in. We're hangin' in there. Together, we're hangin' in."