Yolanda Hadid Describes Suicidal Thoughts In New Memoir

From the outside, looking in, Yolanda Hadid is a confident, vibrant, and caring mother. On the inside, she is all that and more. But as she recently revealed, her struggle with Lyme disease caused so much suffering that she once contemplating suicide.

The former star of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was diagnosed with severe, chronic neurological Lyme disease in 2012. No medicine could relieve her from constant insomnia, joint pain, exhaustion, and anxiety. Her new book, Believe Me: My Battle with the Invisibility of Lyme Disease, out September 12th, describes her anguish on a trip to Florida with David Foster, her then-husband. Hadid provided a short excerpt to People Magazine.

"I take off my clothes and slip into the dark blue ocean, which is cool and comforting," she writes. "The waves gently wash over my naked body, and I can feel the current tugging at me. Tears pour out of my eyes, roll across my cheeks, and meld with the salt water as I try to still my mind to become one with the water’s ebb and flow."

She continues: "God please just take me away in a wave. I can’t live like this one more day. Please carry my body away. I just want to disappear. My next thought is a clear image of my three children. It shifts my consciousness immediately and that’s the only thing that keeps me from letting myself drift and drown."

Gigi, Bella, and Anwar Hadid, her three children, having been Hadid's motivation to get better and find a cure. Not just for her, but for her daughter, Bella Hadid, who also suffers from Lyme disease, and everyone else living with it. Now, we're happy to say that Hadid thinks her current state "feels like remission."

"As difficult as these past five years have been, I am so grateful that this journey has led me to living in the light," she says. "I have had it all and lost it all, only to realize that less is more, money can’t buy you health or happiness, and one day at a time is good enough."

If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.