Based On The Photos, Here's What We Think Happens On The Bachelor's First Episode

By now, fans of The Bachelor have had a chance to size up the 29 women starring on season 22, most of whom are named Lauren. But we won't see the new Bachelor, Arie Luyendyk Jr., clap eyes on these lovely ladies until the season premiere, which is slated to air January 1. That's when the fun begins.

The first episode of a Bachelor or Bachelorette season is arguably the best. Yes, there are many forgettable contestants who will be dispatched without so much as a jazzy intro package filmed in their hometown. Each of them, however, will get the opportunity to walk out of a limo — or slide off a faux-unicorn, because it's totally that kind of show — and dazzle that season's star (and more importantly, us) with their style, smile, and charm. And if all else fails, awkward dad jokes, attempts to juggle, marching bands, and a wedding dress will do.

It's the moment when those freak flags — and, okay, a romantic spark or two — fly, when jealous tendencies creep up, and when grown men and women get emotionally wrecked over being rejected by a near-stranger. It's pure entertainment.

If you don't believe us, just refer to these preview images from the January 1 premiere. We can only guess what's going on here — so we have. Read on to get our snap judgments. And remember: We tease because we love.

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Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Rebecca K.

"I figure if I pop the question to a total stranger now, I've got about the same shot at finding everlasting love."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Rebekah M.

"I didn't want to do the limo like everyone else because I'm what you might call a unique and creative spirit. That's why I spell my name with a K, you see?"
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Annaliese P.

"I'm the Hamburglar. Will you accept this Happy Meal and become the Mayor McCheese of my heart? I should probably mention that the McFlurry machine is broken."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Brittany T.

"This is just like Cars. But sexy. I mean, Lightning McQueen is also sexy, though. But he's a car. And a cartoon. A car-cartoon. Arie is the better choice. I think?"
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Maquel C.

"Attention. I like attention."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Chelsea R. and Maquel C.

"Excuse me, but I don't think you heard me the first time."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Tia B. and Jacqueline T.

"I just feel, like, it's so late and I haven't had any one-on-one time with Arie because he keeps getting pulled away by these flashy girls who are here for the wrong reasons and, like, maybe my ex was right. But also maybe... this is my emotional journey? Hey, when this is over, do you want to maybe start a podcast?"
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Jenna C.

"Does that feel good? No, no, your feet are actually really sexy. And big. Way bigger than my ex's. But I can tell this chakra is blocked, so I'm about to lay a big heart metaphor on you."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Annaliese P.

"No, you're right. This creepy Christian Grey role-play was a much better use of the mask."
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC.
Arie and Caroline L.

"I really wanted to find a way to illustrate how much I value trust in a relationshiii—"
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