John Mayer's Most Shocking Quotes

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For John Mayer, singer, songwriter, and notorious blabbermouth, 2010 was a strange year. In interviews with Rolling Stone and Playboy, given six months apart, Mayer spewed the bile of his brain with unabashed frankness. There was no topic too weird or too personal for Mayer to bring up, unprompted. From wild comments on masturbation, his desperate and failing pursuit for a partner, and distorted sense of self, it seemed that celebrity status had twisted Mayer irrevocably.
Mayer was 32 at the time of those interviews, and has spent much of the past eight years trying to undo their damage. Now, at 40, he’s conscious of the way those interviews’ legacies lived on: “The elephant in the room is that we’re sort of talking about the double-headed dragon of the Rolling Stone interview and the Playboy interview,” he told a New York Times reporter in an interview released today.
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So, on the occasion of his status as a calmer 40-year-old, let’s remember what the manic 32-year-old once said to Playboy. Imagining a conversation with his future self, Mayer said, “I sometimes I meet the 40-year-old me and say, 'What do I do?' And 40-year-old me says, 'Don’t do every scheduled interview. Go to the zoo instead. You’re going to be fine, you knucklehead. Stop overthinking what people say.'"
But lest you forget: here are the most bonkers, offensive, ridiculous, hard-to-believe things that John Mayer actually uttered in those fateful interviews, and beyond. Prepare to have your mind blown.
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On his personality:

"I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why Black people love me."

— to Playboy (2010)
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On the women he dates:

“I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen [Aniston]? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?”

— to Rolling Stone (2010)
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On determining the criteria for a life partner:

"Do you think it's going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn't it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren't we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?"

— to Rolling Stone (2010)
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On dating Jessica Simpson:

"Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'”

— to Playboy (2010)
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On his bathroom habits:

"I've got to go to the stall. I can't get a good flow going when I'm out in the world. But then, of course, you run the risk of people thinking you shit all the time."

— to Rolling Stone (2010)
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On his sex life:

"During sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had."

— to Playboy (2010)
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On his masturbation habits:

"I am the new generation of masturbator... I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week."

— to Rolling Stone (2010)
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#tbt 2000, posing with a fan. (Joke's still got legs.)

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On his pornography philosophy:

"By the way, pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed."

— to Playboy (2010)
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You gotta fight for your right to summer

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On Black America:

"What is being Black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of Black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one Black dude’s."

— to Playboy (2010)
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On whether he dates Black women:

"I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick."

— to Playboy (2010)
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On being mature — and immature — for his age:

"Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen."

— to Playboy (2010)
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On a track off his newest album about Katy Perry:

“Who else would I be thinking about?... And by the way, it’s a testament to the fact that I have not dated a lot of people in the last five, six years. That was my only relationship. So it’s like, give me this, people.”

— to The New York Times (2017)
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Channeling the days of future past dad-ness. Dress for the job you want...

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On whether he's satisfied with his life:

“I’m right on time for my career, and I’m running late for my life.”

— to The New York Times (2017)
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