Clinton Campaign Hack Reveals Top Secret Risotto Recipe

The Clinton campaign hack has mainly given us insubstantial pleasures. Sure, Blink-182's Tom DeLonge emailing campaign chairman John Podesta about aliens is funny, but it's not practical knowledge. Similarly, the pipeline that Russian propaganda websites have into Donald Trump's brain led to hilarious moments like Trump attributing a quote from journalist Kurt Eichenwald to Clinton acquaintance Sydney Blumenthal while reading a printout onstage. But we already know that he's basically one of those dolls where you pull a string and he speaks, except all he says are conspiracy theories and insults to women and minorities.

Finally, the emails have revealed something that will change the world. That something is John Podesta's secret to risotto. In it, the Clinton official discusses how he gets the dish to really pop.
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Unfortunately for Podesta, his secret is a myth.

"Most of the starch that thickens a risotto resides in fine particles on the surface of the rice from the very beginning — stirring and jostling have little to do with its release," The Food Lab writes.

We've literally arrived at a point in which one candidate might be on tape saying the N word, a Republican woman attempts to condone rape jokes by invoking Beyoncé, and the only scandal to arise from the second (!) politically motivated hack of this election cycle is that John Podesta has some inaccurate views about risotto.

We'd say more but we instead we'll show you this clip of Mike Huckabee advancing an analogy in which Donald Trump is a drunk boat captain that gets eaten by a shark. To be clear, he was doing so as a defense of the nominee.
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