The Word Maps Of Fifty Shades Of Grey

E.L. James, while no Shakespeare, has penned an opus of erotic fiction for a modern age. Don't get us wrong — we love us some sex scenes (good or bad) — but when image fatigue sets in, imagination comes out to play.
Fifty Shades of Grey busted the doors of erotica and brought it upon the inquisitive hands of our mothers, sisters, and even grandmothers. If we couldn't watch, say, Masters of Sex on our various gadgets while on the subway or airplane, we sure as hell could read it. (Public indecency be damned!) And, Fifty Shades' wordplay was as, er, tantalizing as the scenarios they painted. Thanks to James, we have a new perspective on what it means to be a goddess dancing the seven veils. But, for how ridiculous the vernacular can be, how often are certain words, and certain exclamations, used? Does it mean anything that "love" and "girlfriend" are hardly used, but the word "slap" will crop up close to 50 times per saga? Here, we've broken down James' authorship into five, logophile categories to determine the true meaning of Fifty Shades of Grey: A story of love, lust, and leather.
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Illustrated by Ly Ngo.
Nouns
Based on Google Books, the most popular nouns in James' manifesto are "sex," "Christian," "bed," and "Anastasia." This basically sums up the entire book. Factor in the fact that "girlfriend" is used a mere six times, and well, the coffin is sealed shut.
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Illustrated by Ly Ngo.
Adjectives
"Quickly" is the most popular adjective in this novel, with "young" and "large" coming in second and third place. Between those three, we'll leave you to indulge in some wordplay of your own device.
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Illustrated by Ly Ngo.
Verbs
Based on the words here and their varying sizes, it's pretty clear where James' mind was whilst composing her novel. "Love" as a verb seems a little...tame. But, hey — if that's what cuffs and whips stand for, well, color our Nicholas Sparks perception of love wrong.
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Illustrated by Ly Ngo.
Exclamations
Let's make a sentence out of the most popular exclamations in the book: "Wow, sir! Please, no heavens, okay?" Did that work?
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Illustrated by Ly Ngo.
Phrases
The most popular phrases in Fifty Shades might start out like a Tinder hookup, but at least they end on a sweet note. Perhaps that's the whole point of the book, after all: finding the sweet spot in a dungeon of love. Consider that our goal until the movie finally hits theaters.
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