Stop Everything: Red Lobster Is Coming Out With A Lip Balm

Photo: Michael Nagle/Bloomberg/Getty Images.
Look, Beyoncé didn't spit the lyrical gem, "When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster," for no reason. The ubiquitous chain is the Olive Garden for seafood aficionados, and and you'd be bold-face lying if you said you too haven't eaten the unlimited cheddar bay biscuits to the point of developing a food baby at least once in your lifetime. Translation: That shit is tasty. The Carters could tell you.
Ringing endorsement aside, the next best thing to happen to Red Lobster is finally here... and it comes in the form of lip balm. Biscuit-flavored lip balm, as a matter of fact. Now, before the thought of spreading the beauty equivalent of a butter-drenched roll across your mouth triggers some sort of gag reflex, know that this is all part of the restaurant's 25-year anniversary celebration of its popular amuse-bouche. The balm will only be released for a limited time, along with a string of other cheddar bay biscuit-inspired goods. (Like T-shirts and magnets that, unfortunately, do not come equipped with the same savory scent.)
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Photo by Kelsey Castańon.
Red Lobster sent us a tube to try, and while you can definitely sniff out traces of butter, the resemblance pretty much stops there. Where the original recipe is like a slice of garlic bread heaven, the lip product favors the likes of caramel popcorn more than anything. "It smells like what a cheddar bay biscuit would smell if you put maple syrup on it," one staffer noted.
Nonetheless, if the novelty item is the only convincing you need to offer up your lips, all you have to do to get one is sign up for the Fresh Catch Club email by 5 pm ET on Monday, May 8. The restaurant will pick 250 (lucky? Hungry? Misguided?) winners at random. You can do that, or just dip an actual lobster in butter and eat it. Same thing.