Kind Of Genius Gift Ideas For My Favorite TV Characters

Here's a little game I like to play around the holidays with the hardest-to-buy-for humans on my shopping list. I think about the characters these people I love are most like — be it in their personality, lifestyle, or overall level of ridiculousness. Then, I consider what I would get for those characters, as if they were real and not just friends who live in my TV. Presto change-o: I become the present master. And everyone lives happily ever after.

Okay, okay. It doesn't always work perfectly. For example: You can't buy your NYC friend who lives in a teeny-tiny apartment a $3,000 karaoke machine just because his singing voice has a Titus Andromedon tonality to it. His roommates will hate it. Also, if you are like me, you don't have $3,000 to blow on a karaoke machine.

But this strategy does make thinking up presents more fun. It's also how my sister wound up with a boob-shaped one-hitter last year: I never would have arrived at that gift without thinking about all the ways in which she is the Ilana Wexler to my Abbi Abrams. So thank you, Broad City, for the inspiration. Now, on to the 2016 present picks.

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Image: Courtesy of HBO.
Frances Dufresne, Divorce

First off, can we all just take a moment and bask in SJP's strands? Those lowlights are glorious.

Getting down to business: Frances has a lot on her plate these days. But one thing she might really enjoy to take her mind off the dissolution of her marriage? Maybe a nice new piece of artwork. We'd send her over to Uprise Art with a gift certificate to pick out a new piece. Lord knows she's earned one.
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Photo: Courtesy of Amazon.
Ali Pfefferman, Transparent

We really dug Ali's laissez faire style choices over the last three seasons. (Also, we're crediting her, in part, for our newfound love of Teva's.) This year, for the holidays, we'd totally gift her a quirky accessory — like this sweet limited edition desert print baseball cap from one of our fave Etsy shops.
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Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
Jess Day, New Girl
Lucky Cece: Shopping for Jess must be a cinch — just head to the Kate Spade store, pick out the cutesiest accessory, and call it a day. This year, we'd definitely buy television's most adork-able gal this sparkly magician's hat coin purse. Those rabbit ears, like the character herself, are almost too much.
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Selina Meyer, Veep
If we could, we'd buy her a recount and possibly a parenting book.
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Photo: Saeed Adyani/Netflix.
Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
In no particular order: a gynecologist appointment, the Tinder app so she stops hooking up with dudes from 10 years ago, "a clue," a phone that works everywhere, permission to move on.
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Photo: Myles Aronowitz/Netflix.
Luke Cage, Luke Cage
He DOES say that one time that he likes Black mystery writers, so we might do a little must-read stocking stuffer? Devil in the Blue Dress by Walter Moseley sounds like a good pick.
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Gary Walsh, Veep
Definitely a Toastmaster's course, also a chic diaper bag for carrying around all of Selina Meyer's stuff.
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Nas, The Night Of
Laser tattoo-removal treatments and a big freaking hug.
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Issa, Insecure
TV tray tables. She and Lawrence ruined their first couch by spilling all over it, but NEVER AGAIN.
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Photo: Bob D'Amico/ABC.
Bow Johnson, Black-ish
No one has earned a break like this woman. Spa day gift certificate coming right up!
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Photo: Byron Cohen/ABC.
Olivia Pope, Scandal
Do you think she would derive any pleasure from these Scandal socks?
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Dolores, Westworld
Somebody get this girl a new painting kit, because it is CLEARLY the thing that keeps her grounded in life.
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
The Dudes Of Silicon Valley
Full house-cleaning services — this gang is going to need the deep-clean treatment. Every time I turn on this show, I am preoccupied with how filthy their couches probably are.
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Photo: Daniel Daza/Netflix.
DEA Agent Javier Peña, Narcos
A better partner. Also maybe some new aviator shades, because no one rocks them like this guy.
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Photo: Chris Haston/NBC/Getty Images.
Joey, Friends
Honestly, you could get Joey pretty much anything and he would be super jazzed about it. Simple bae is so easy to shop for.
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Photo: Patrick Harbron/FX .
Elizabeth & Philip Jennings, The Americans
These two either need new identities or just a plain old vacation. No couple has ever looked so gray for so many seasons without dying or breaking up. At the very least, somebody get these two a couples' massage.
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Photo: Lane Savage/Comedy Central.
Abbi & Ilana, Broad City
Might we recommend gifting these gals a boob bowl for their marijuana-related pleasure?
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Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Molly, Insecure
Okay, so we know that Molly isn't into the idea of seeing a therapist but...we might buy her a gift certificate to see a therapist. "Broken pussy" is really just code for "broken heart."
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Photo: Guy D'Alema/FX.
Darius, Atlanta
Maybe Darius gets a nice serving platter for the next time he's carrying around a knife and plate of warm, delicious Tollhouse. (Also if you're not watching this show you're missing out, so get on it.)
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Photo: Stephan Rabold/SHOWTIME.
Carrie Mathison, Homeland
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a full-on Kevlar outfit.
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Photo: Patrick Wymore/The CW.
Jane Gloriana Villanueva, Jane The Virgin
Is there any way to just give Jane a break? If not, then she's the queen of cute dresses, and someone should feed that need with an Anthropologie gift certificate.
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Photo: Courtesy of Amazon Studios.
Maura Pfefferman, Transparent
Three words: Anything. Eileen. Fisher.
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Photo: Courtesy of BBC.
Fleabag, Fleabag
We couldn't love Fleabag more. But we do think she's earned a little waterproof mascara, so that's our stocking stuffer pick for this London lady.
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Photo: Ron Batzdorff/NBC.
Randall Pearson, This Is Us
Sure, now he knows his bio-dad. But it also seems like Randall is uniquely positioned to enjoy an Ancestry.com package.
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Photo: Curtis Baker/Netflix.
Eleven, Stranger Things
For the love of all things good, someone get this kid a waffle maker, ASAP.
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2. Photo: Eric Liebowitz/Netflix.
Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Nobody needs an at-home karaoke machine like Titus needs and at-home karaoke machine.
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Photo: Jennifer Clasen/Amazon Studios.
Shelly Pfefferman, Transparent
Is there any more moving moment in this series than when Shelly steps up on stage and finally sings her little heart out? That's a woman who has earned herself some seriously luxurious bath products and a good, long soak.
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Photo: JoJo Whilden/Netflix.
Piper, Orange Is The New Black
If there were ever a woman who needed a Swiss Army knife, it's this gal.
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Photo: Mary Ellen Matthews/FOX.
Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
An Ob/Gyn who runs around in platform heels makes me afraid — for her ankles. Maybe she just doesn't realize she can customize Nike-iD sneakers yet, but this holiday season, I would definitely make sure that gift idea made its way to her.
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Photo: Phil Caruso/SHOWTIME.
Alison Lockhart, The Affair
The only time she has ever seemed happy is at that yoga retreat center with Athena. Maybe give her a new yoga mat? Or a gift certificate to go back there? Something has to change, maybe she would be into essential oils?
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