Chanel's Red Wedding On Scream Queens, Episode 3 "Handidate"

Photo Courtesy of FOX.
Scream Queens is not playing around tonight. I don't think there has been a bloodier episode in this season or the last. And it's not even Halloween yet!

Let's dissect (pun intended) the big events and juiciest moments from episode three, "Handidates."

Spoilers ahead.

The episode opens up back in the operating room where the green slime monster killed wart-covered Tyler — also known as the love of Chanel No. 5's (Abigail Breslin) life. As she mourns the loss of her boyfriend (of one episode), Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts) immediately announces that she knows who the killer is. It's obviously Chanel No. 5 (in Chanel's eyes, it always will be).

Only minutes after Tyler's body is disposed of in the toxic river behind the institution (the same one that bred the first monster/killer — does that mean Tyler may come back as one later in the season, too?) we get our first death: Randall. It's one of the most violent killings on the show yet (that is until the final two deaths of this episode). Chad's sidekick's brutal slaying is only death one of three (and one attempted) of the week.

With Chad's wing-man gone, he finds comfort in bro-ing off with Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos). The two compare wiener sizes, fight for Chanel, and ultimately, Chad asks Brock to be his best man when he asks for Chanel's hand in marriage. (YES — Chad and Chanel are engaged. But not without a pre-nup thicker than your high school biology book.) Dr. Holt hesitantly agrees, only after Chad guarantees to him that he has first dibs on Chanel after they presumably divorce in six months. Chanel's ring is the very rare and expensive "whore cut," usually reserved for Russian prostitutes.

In addition to new murders (which we'll get to in a minute) this episode introduces a new relationship. Strangely, it's one of the most endearing. Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd) finally finds the man for her — the only caveat is that he's dead. Yep, Dr. Cassidy Cascade died years ago, he reveals to Chanel No. 3, after he asphyxiated on his own vomit as a teenager. After meeting Chanel No. 3, he realizes his life purpose is to make her feel again (and by "feel" he means give her her first orgasm, because she says she can't "feel" anything at all, poor girl). The two initially bond over figuring out the treatment for their latest patient who has Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder a.k.a uncontrollable and constant orgasms, due to a weird yoga move that stimulated her pelvic nerves.

Although things don't go as planned in the bedroom between my new favorite on-screen couple, their relationship still seems hot, even if his body temperature isn't (its literally 61 degrees Fahrenheit). Oh, and the orgasm patient is cured (the institute's first living success) until the green slime monster cuts her head off, stabs Chamberlin (James Earl) in the stomach, and bizarrely spares the life of Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer), Clearly, the killer has an evil plan, and that involves Zayday making it out alive.

We didn't see Nurse Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) in this episode, which is weird. She's usually lurking around the halls of the hospital, snapping at the Chanels or stealing prescription pills. She was absolutely up to something last time we saw her. But is she the killer? I don't know.

So far, Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), the Chanels, Zayday Williams, and Denise (Nicey Nash) believe that the killer is A. a man and B. 30 years old. This information is based on Lynn, a male nurse who is the sole survivor of the mass murder in 1986. If that's true, Dr. Holt is too old (he still looks good, but is definitely over 30). That leaves Chamberlain (he is wounded by the killer, but not killed, so maybe he's in on it), Dr. Cassidy (he is already dead...) and Chad Radwell (because Chad is THIRTY(!) as Denise reveals).

With two empty rooms at the hospital (as in, they were killed) there's room for one more: Hester (Lea Michele). That's right, Hester has officially moved into a basement room which means things are only going to get a lot crazier and bloodier.

To summarize:

Suspect count
: Four (Holt, Chamberlain, Cassidy, and Chad)

Relationship count: Three (Chad and Chanel, Dr. Cassidy and Chanel No. 3, maybe Zayday and Chamberlain)

Death count: Three (Randall, the new patient, and Chad)

Oh, did we forget to mention that THEY KILLED OFF CHAD RADWELL. THE ONE AND ONLY.

I mean, he was an idiot. But he was The Most Crucial Idiot, Ever. And he dies in the most brutal way: Stabbed to death and then left to die, only to fall through the ceiling of a chapel on top of his bride, Chanel on their wedding day. Way harsh.

Could Dr. Holt have done this because of his jealousy over Chanel? (I didn't see him in the pews...) Is Chad playing an elaborate prank? (He's done that before.) Will Hester actually lead us to the killer, as she promises?

I'll leave you with the best quote of the evening to get that dreadful image of a stabbed Chad out of your head: “Yoga is just stretching for douche bags," as said by Chanel No. 3 — in pastel leggings and earmuffs, of course.

See you next week.

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