12 Things I Learned From Bachelorette Chad's Mind-Blowing Match.com Profile

Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
When you come across a human specimen like Bachelorette super-villain Chad Johnson, it's hard to look away. As much as I loathe this violent, misogynistic, controlling, self-worshiping man — who got the boot from JoJo this week after admitting he threatened to beat up the other contestants — he fascinates me to no end. How did he become this way? Is he part Hulk? What are his life goals? Does he terrorize the girls he dates IRL, too? Does he know what an ass he is?
We'll never know the answers to many of these questions. But Chad's Match.com dating profile provides some bizarrely entertaining insight into The Chad. A brilliant Bachelorette fan had the foresight to screenshot Chad's Match.com profile and forward the images to the reality TV blog Reality Steve. (Reportedly, his profile was active until right before he started filming the series.)
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It is everything I hoped for and more. Here are the top 12 things I learned about Chad, from Chad.
Chad is just a cool, fun guy.
"I am self taught, I am very proud, I can be too condifent [sic] sometimes but generally I'm just a cool fun guy that is relaxed around people." Just like Donald Trump, basically.
Chad knows he's the best.
"I'm a LEO. I am always in Charge. I know I'm the best. People listen to me, respect me, and I'm always searching for more knowledge about this life, or knowledge and processes to improve life as I know it." He is elevating humanity, guys.
Chad follows his own religion.
"I have strong beliefs, I believe in God, possibly different than your view, and it doesnt [sic] contradict any religions because it is a mix of all that is, and all that is proven." Chad is all faiths and none of them.
Chad does what Chad wants.
"I just enjoy relaxing at home, doing whatever I want." Like stuffing folds of deli meat and raw root vegetables into his mouth.
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Chad will soon run his empire from a beach.
"Eventually I want to own multiple business that are self contained, self running, and be completely financially set by age 30 living on the beach front white sands of Florida and I am already on the path of getting there."
Chad only dates goddesses.
"Unfortunately I do only date fit, beautiful women so if that isn't you we can be friends, (if you are crazy awesome or something) but there won't be any dating." Being friend-zoned by Chad is the best possible scenario for a woman who crosses his path.
Chad is a student at Chad U.
"The last book I read was last week I finished a college finance textbook lol I don't believe in college, I am self taught in all aspects of things that I personally chose to be important to know for the life that I want to achieve." With sentence structure like that, who needs higher education?
Chad doesn't believe in work.
"Dreams. I have a lot of them. Great money now, insane money later. Hard work while hardly working. I believe that trading time for money is the dumbest thing you can do. I trade knowledge for cash. I utilize my ideas to make money and I love it." Don't work to achieve your dreams, idiots.
Chad almost became a plastic surgeon.
"I had almost met the requirements for my associates [degree] with plans of plastic surgery. But then I realize I am not a 9-5 guy." The thought of this man holding a scalpel over an anesthetized woman's body is my new nightmare.
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Chad has awesome genes.
"When it comes to genes and ethnicity, I have awesome genes and I wouldn't trade my life, body, or genes for anyone elses [sic]." Awesomeness is literally in his DNA.
Chad lost his dog.
"I had a small miniature pinscher for 4 years. He was my life, my son, my dog and my best friend. One day after letting him out he never came home. I was devistated [sic]." Okay, that's actually pretty sad.
Chad is an animal-whisperer.
"I immediately bond with animals of all kind, and I literally will not kill an ant." The only species he struggles to connect with are humans.
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