9 People Share Their Funniest Postpartum Sex Stories

Unfortunately, sex after childbirth is still a topic that makes people uncomfortable. But while pregnancy, childbirth, and a new baby will likely change the way you and your partner have sex, that doesn't mean your sex life will be ruined. In fact, some research suggests that sex gets better after you have children, due to increased intimacy in your relationship. And with increased intimacy comes the ability to laugh at yourself — even after giving your partner an accidental breastmilk facial during foreplay.
So, since sex —before and after babies — is such a personal experience, we asked nine people about their funniest postpartum sex stories. The good news? Sex after babies seems just as hot as it is funny.
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Welcome to Mothership: Parenting stories you actually want to read, whether you're thinking about or passing on kids, from egg-freezing to taking home baby and beyond. Because motherhood is a big if — not when — and it's time we talked about it that way.
1 of 9

I didn't make it to the finish line.

"This isn't a story about the first time my husband and I had sex after I gave birth, but the first time I was finally going to have an orgasm. 'Going to' being the key words here. My husband was going down on me, and literally when I was about to come, our baby woke up and started screaming. Let's just say I didn't make it to the finish line."
2 of 9

Dude got a mouthful of breastmilk.

"I'm 29-years-old and live in New York City. My vagina has finally (mostly) recovered from the birth of my first child. So my boyfriend and I were pretty terrified the first time we had sex after the doctor gave the go-ahead. Despite the fact that I was the one that pushed our kid through my body and acted as an incubation chamber for nine months, it was him that was acting like a scared-y cat when we had sex for the first time after I gave birth. It felt good to be intimate again, but of course, bf went right back to our old routines, which usually included sucking on my boobs. Dude got a mouthful of breastmilk. He didn't hate it!"
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3 of 9

Silent orgasms for everybody!

"I'm the father to two wonderful kids. One thing my wife and I learned for better or worse is the importance of silent orgasms. You don't want to wake the kids up. There's nothing like a constantly rustling 3-month-old in the crib next to your bed to set the mood. Silent orgasms for everybody!"
4 of 9

It reminded me a little bit of the first time I had sex...ever.

"I'm a married woman with one 9-month-old. My husband and I waited longer than required to have sex again after I gave birth, because honestly I was sleep-deprived and didn't feel sexy and did have a traumatic birth. It was about six months after when we finally did it. There was all this pressure around it, which I think made us put it off longer, because we felt like we had to — which isn't the sexiest feeling. When we finally did it, it was actually kind of cute because we were fumbling around so much. Matt, my husband, kept asking, 'Are you okay?' And at one point, I started laughing because it reminded me a little bit of the first time I had sex...ever. Like in high school."
5 of 9

Masturbation counts as sex, right?

"Masturbation counts as sex, right? There is no way to explain what's going on when your 2-year-old opens the bathroom door during some quality alone time. Sometimes daddy just needs to go to the bathroom a little longer than normal."
6 of 9

Daddy didn't lock up the kink drawer properly.

"My partner and I have a regular sex life again after having a kid, but some of our BDSM activities had to be put on the back burner. For one, it can take a long time to tie someone up and whatnot, and we don't have hours to devote to play like we used to. Also, I got in big trouble from my partner when our kid reached toddler age and found some anal toys after daddy didn't lock up the kink drawer properly."
7 of 9

He'll howl like a werewolf.

"I swear to god that little asshole (sorry) has some sort of spidey senses and knows when mommy and daddy are starting to have sex. We'll be doing chores, and he'll nap for an hour quiet as can be, but the second we start to fool around he'll howl like a werewolf."
8 of 9

He fell asleep.

"Since we had our first baby about a year ago, (like most parents) my husband and I don't sleep much. One of the first times after I gave birth when we had sex, we were starting to fool around. My husband FELL ASLEEP. He fell asleep. I'm the one that carried, gave birth, and breastfed our baby, and he's the one to fall asleep? If only the other man in my life would fall asleep that easy!"
9 of 9

I cannot count how many times my breastmilk got all over my husband's face.

"I cannot count how many times my breastmilk got all over my husband's face. In his eyes, up his nose, in his mouth, you name it."
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