All The Thoughts I Had While Watching The Handmaid's Tale Premiere

Photo: Courtesy of Hulu.
The latest and possibly scariest new post-apocalyptic TV show is here. But, instead of zombies or a plague taking out society, something much scarier ended the world as we know it. It was politics. Handmaid’s Tale has finally premiered after countless frightening trailers that look a little too close to our current political environment for anyone’s liking.
The series takes place after a religious movement called the Sons Of Jacob holds a political coup and takes women’s rights back to the Old Testament, only now there are also automatic weapons involved in keeping them subjected. Women are separated into very different groups depending on their social status, sexual orientation, and ability to conceive. That final qualifier is especially important since the world is plagued by rampant infertility.
Women who are still fertile are called handmaids and are given to the most powerful men in society to bare their children. That means they're raped by these men. With so many awful things going on in Handmaid’s it’s unsurprising that I, an ardent feminist, would have a ton of feelings and opinions while watching its first episode, “Offred.” Take a look at the gallery for a minute-by-minute report on what I found.
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Minute 1: This Show Couldn’t Feel More Like A Horror Movie

Handmaid’s Tale is a dystopian drama about what happens to America when fanatical Christians take over the government and bend it to their own misogynistic whims. That may sound like a political drama, but the series begins like a horror movie.

We see a family on the run like a four-wheeled Big Bad Wolf is chasing them. Soon enough the woman (Elisabeth Moss’s Offred) is running through the forest like every other horror movie Final Girl while carrying her daughter. Soon enough, men in battle-ready combat gear descend upon them and rip them apart. This is so much more terrifying than the last Conjuring.
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Minute 6: Louis C.K. Should Probably Watch Handmaid’s Tale

A lot of Louis C.K.’s latest standup special, Netflix’s Louis C.K. 2017, is about how everyone who’s alive has chosen not to kill themselves, despite the dark, ever-present option.

Offred goes over all the ways she could commit suicide to escape the horrors of her new life as a handmaid. She chooses life for her daughter.
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Minute 8: The Little Girls’ Bizarre Outfits Had To Be Pink?

We get it, this new society is obsessed with gender roles. But the little girls leaving what I really hope is school don’t need pink clothing to remember they’re little girls.

Considering everything going on around them, don’t worry, they know.
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Minute 16: Aunt Lydia Is The Worst Person On This Show

Of course a bunch of men want to go back to the good old days when women’s lives were dedicated to cooking for them, cleaning for them, and having sex with them. It’s disturbing women were in on this plan too, however.

Handmaid indoctrinator Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) blames the environmental fiasco and subsequent infertility crisis on “orgies,” Tinder, and abortion. It’s clear she’s not drinking the Kool-Aid — she made it.

Also, Poussey Washington deserves better than to be trapped here after all of that Orange Is The New Black tragedy.
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Minute 28: Update: Aunt Lydia Is Even Worse Than I Could Have Fathomed

Aunt Lydia also blames an hours-long gang rape on the victim, Janine (Madeline Brewer), saying the crime occurred to “teach her a lesson.”
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Minute 32: Please, No One Ever Call This A Sex Scene

Offred is raped by her commander (Joseph Fiennes), which you can tell by her lack of consent (in any of this), her disassociated stare, and the fact that two people are holding her arms down. Rape isn’t sex, so no one should ever label this a sex scene.
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Minute 34: What Does A Man Like Nick Think Of All This?

It’s not explained how Nick (Max Minghella) gains his position as the Commander’s driver. Is he a supporter in his boss’s Unconstitutionally backwards cause or did he just end up here? If the answer is the latter, how do men who aren’t true believers feel about this sickening new world order?
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Minute 46: So, This Is How They Keep The Handmaids From Breakdowns

Every second of the Handmaid’s time is ordered by someone who’s now above them. They can’t scream, or cry, or fight back at any moment, because they’ll be hung, or thrown in a van, or shot. The system figured out a way to give these silenced women an outlet for their rage.

They have "particicutions." It’s unclear whether every criminal condemned to death gets a particicutions or only men convicted of rape get them What is clear is that those who die by particicutions are beaten to death by the handmaids in a very public forum.

This allows the women a few seconds to unleash their long-bottled rage in the most violent of ways.
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Minute 52: Rory Gilmore Is The Only Person For Her Role

Alexis Bledel has the kind of porcelain doll looks that make anyone in the world trust her immediately. Look at the spell she cast on an entire Connecticut town in Gilmore Girls.

She’s the perfect person to bring Ofglen, a militant member of the resistance hiding in plain sight, to life. I always knew she had it in her.