Can We Please Make Armie Hammer Happen?

Photo: Allen Berezovsky/WireImage.
At first glance, it's pretty easy to sum up why Armie Hammer should be a star. The man is gorgeous.
But behind that face, which I would describe as a the love child of young Warren Beatty and Ryan Gosling, with a dash of Bradley Cooper, and a sprinkle of Jon Hamm (for height), Armie Hammer has something else going for him — the man is funny. And he's weird. And unexpected. And kind of just generally awesome. (If you don't believe me, just check out his strong Instagram game. It's a treat.)
Until this year, the only thoughts I had about Armie Hammer (née Armand, as in Arm AND Hammer — he knows you're laughing, he is too) were probably along the lines of: "Oh, Winklevoss guy. Wasn't he in that insane Lone Ranger movie that cast Johnny Depp as a Native American?"
But suddenly, he's everywhere: In Birth of a Nation, Nate Parker's controversial Nat Turner biopic, he portrayed a drunk slave owner who (spoiler!) gets spectacularly butchered. He popped up in Nocturnal Animals, my personal favorite movie of 2016, as Amy Adams' aloof asshole husband. He made a splash at Sundance with Call Me By Your Name, which is guaranteed to make headlines when it's released later this year.
And then there's Free Fire, Ben Wheatley's 1970s shoot'em up film which premieres April 21, and sees a bearded Armie rocking a turtleneck/blazer combo, looking cool as a cucumber as he takes one bullet after another. I had very low expectations of this movie, but it's great — and you know why? Because Armie is great in it. He's charming and witty, doesn't take himself too seriously, and generally nails that whole too cool for school handsome devil with great hair and a killer smile vibe. (His first line: "A thousand apologies, hate it when people are tardy," tells you all you need to know.) Brie Larson may be the Oscar-winner in this ensemble, but Armie is the one you're rooting for.
So, why, with all these roles, do I still need to convince you of Armie Hammer's appeal? Well, let's just say that Armie hasn't quite happened yet. He's been on the cusp of stardom since 2013, when Elle magazine declared him the "male movie star of tomorrow." Part of that is maybe because he's too handsome. I mean, when I read the plot of Stanley Tucci's The Final Portrait, the Alberto Giacometti biopic starring Geoffrey Rush set to be released later this year, my first thoughts were: "Armie. Hammer. Models. Abs. Oh. My God. Naked? Maybe? Please?"and I lost all speech capacity. (I'm sure it's a very complex film with many nuances.) But once your eyes uncross and you wipe the drool from your chin, you start to realize that this guy is good. He's charismatic. He's got range. He's one meaty role away from realizing his Hollywood potential.
This is Armie's year — I just feel it. This is the year that he gets to be the movie star I know he can be. Help me, friends. Help me nudge Armie Hammer over the edge. Let's make him a thing. To get you in the right mindset, here are some fun facts about him.
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As I was writing this very story, Armie helpfully decided to post this Armie-focused cut of Free Fire clips. He gets me. Enjoy.
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Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
This pose says: "Look at me. I grew up in Texas, the Cayman Islands, and Los Angeles. My great-grandfather was the chairman of Occidental Petroleum Corporation, which is an oil company, but I'm not spoiled. I can get down and dirty climbing mountains and then clean up for a night at the country club."
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Photo: Matt Baron/REX/Shutterstock.
Who's that? That's Elizabeth Chambers, Armie's wife. They've been married since he was 23. He loves her. You can't have him. Get over it.
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Meet Armie's children, Harper Hammer and Douglas Ford Hammer. They are perfect, as befits the offspring of two gods.
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Best dad? Best dad.
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Let's do this shit.

A post shared by Armie Hammer (@armiehammer) on

When he's not playing a hitman, Armie likes to snuggle. He literally has a PJ uniform, which he dutifully documents for our viewing pleasure. He has like 15 of these on his feed.
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The man loves his meat. He is basically the manliest man that ever was (he once said in an interview that he "loves knots!" KNOTS.) And yet, he also seems really sweet, like if Ernest Hemingway suddenly became woke.
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Men at work 📸 @sofiavergara #joesarmsmakemyheadlooksmall

A post shared by Armie Hammer (@armiehammer) on

He's friends with Joe Manganiello, because of course he is. Apparently, they're meat friends.
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No adult supervision

A post shared by Armie Hammer (@armiehammer) on

Armie and his wife own a bakery in her hometown of San Antonio called Bird. It looks exactly like what you think an Armie-owned bakery would look like.
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Another great thing about Armie? He openly likes BDSM tweets, and doesn't care who knows it. On their first date, he took his wife to a sex shop.

He also says things like this: "Well, if you’re married to a feminist [journalist, restaurateur and actress Elizabeth Chambers] as I am, then it’s…. I don’t know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better—it’s not like I’m suffering in any way. But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair. It gets to a point where you say, 'I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.'"
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About last night... #doubledoublesanddoubleD's

A post shared by Armie Hammer (@armiehammer) on

Stay weird, Armie. Remember those who rooted for you when you're big time.