Do NOT Give These Gifts. Seriously, Don't.

The best kinds of gift are subtle, personal, and can make a person cry. Incidentally, the worst kinds of gifts are kind of the same — except with more of the bad sort of tears. With all of the billions of dollars that manufactures, retailers, and brands spend on arming you with perfect items to give to to your circle of buds, it’s worth wondering who exactly they had in mind when they came up with the following winners.

These are very real things that you have to spend very real money on that are are so bizarre, so insulting, or so unhelpful that we’re unsure who would ever come across one and think, “Yes — how perfect. [Insert name] will LOVE this eyeball massager!!”

But then again, everyone has a crazy recluse auntie who’s been known to pass out stolen office supplies during the holidays. If you’re just like her, click through for some gifts right up your alley. If not, here are 30 things for sale that are hard to believe exist.
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No matter who you're shopping for or what your budget is, Refinery29 has all the holiday picks you need right here.

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Not sure about you, but there's nothing soothing sounding about an "eye massage."

Sharper Image Wireless Eye Massage, $149.99, available at Sharper Image,
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The kind of people who like to text in full paragraphs do not need any encouragement, please.

Brookstone Virtual Keyboard, $89.99, available at Brookstone
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For those moments when lying around with your tablet is still too much effort.

Sharper Image Adjustable Tablet Stand, $159.99, available at Sharper Image.
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Nothing says "You matter, Mom" like immortalizing her in felted miniature — crow's feet, chest piece, Grateful Dead muscle tee, and all.

ZumZumWool Woolen Portrait Doll With Black Dress And Many Tattoos, $98.16, available at Etsy.
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Oh sure — because it looks way less crazy this way.

Sharper Image Bluetooth Unisex Gloves, $69.99, available at Sharper Image.
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Just like certain potential partners, this candle has no chill.

Flick Candles Netflix & Chill Candle, $16.99, available at Flick Candles.
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Give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap).

SkyMall Life Countdown Watch, $79.99. available at SkyMall.
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This shirt allows the entire world to see that the only thing you love more than hitting the gym is aggressively bringing it up during every single conversation — including ones about puppies.

Crazy Dog T Shirts Ask Me About My Pug Flip Up T-Shirt, $18.99, available at Crazy Dog T Shirts
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On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.

The Gruff Beard Company Beard Bells, $9.28, available at Etsy.
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Nothing like a whole hog to tempt a sweet tooth!

Odenwaelder Marzipan Pig on Board, $4.99, available World Market.
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For when you're just one spot away from earning the title of "World's Worst Coworker."

World Market Desktop Drum Set, $14.99, available at World Market.
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Because women love wine! And they're always in the kitchen! GET IT?

Design Boom Red Wine Floor Mat, $125, available at Design Boom.
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Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!

Sharper Image 360 Degree Mirror, $79.99, available at Sharper Image
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"Shot glasses you can't wash? You shouldn't have!"

Uncommon Goods Himalayan Salt Tequila Glasses. $28 for four, available at Uncommon Goods
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A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.

Brookstone Individualized Beverage Warmer, $19.99, available at Brookstone.
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Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!

The Fizzics Beer System, $169.99, available at Brookstone.
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You guys know that fonts exist, right?

Uncommon Goods USB Typewriter, $899, available at Uncommon Goods.
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Because referring to your weight as a barn animal is something that everyone wants to experience one day.

Lazy Bones Animal Weighing Scale, $39.14, available at Lazy Bones.
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For the exercise-averse who are also people-averse.

Brookstone Desk Elliptical Trainer, $109, available at Brookstone.
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This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.

Electro Threads Hoverboard With Bluetooth Speaker System, $674.99, available at Electro Threads.
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If you don't have trypophobia already, you will after squeezing one of these things and watching the "blisters protrude from the bag." Blech.

Think Geek Infectious Disease Balls, $2.99, available at Think Geek.
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Ever wonder what happened with the world's supply of CD-ROMs? A man named Dick in Chicago turned them into clocks and is now marketing them to our youth.

Dicks Clocks Justin Bieber Selena Gomez CD Clock, $19.99, available at Etsy.
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Fluffy, what happened to your legs?

PicoCatHandbags Realistic Cat Handbag $199, available at Etsy.
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This is a toy that will get you arrested for playing in public.

Hop Balls Adult Jumping Ball, $24.99, available at Hop Balls.
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The only thing the gift of Lyfe Tea says is that you follow too many D-list celebrities on Instagram.

Lyfe Tea Bags, $55.95, available at LyfeTea.
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Not sure what's more offensive: Donald Trump himself or that someone thought this looked remotely like Donald Trump.

OhCuddles Donald Trump Butter Stamp. $8, available at Etsy.
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Because sometimes, family is like stepping on all your relatives in order to get the hell out of there.

Gifts.com Garden Stepping Stone, $29.99, available at Gifts.com.
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Which is worse? To have tangled necklaces or to keep this thing on your dresser?

Uncommon Goods Jewelry In A Bottle, $58, available at Uncommon Goods.
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Like a firm hand on your back forcing you to sit up straighter — all the time.

SkyMall Posture Corrector, $49.99, available at SkyMall.
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For the person who has everything, except a decent sense of humor.

IWOOT Nothing, $10.69, available at IWOOT
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