15 Terrible Wedding Gifts No Couple Could Love

Some brides and grooms want porcelain gravy boats they will never, ever use, but can show off to visitors. Some want Le Creuset cookware, fancy towels, and wine racks because, well, who doesn't? Some just want money for the honeymoon, a down payment on a house, or — let's be honest — cash to pay off the wedding vendors.

Few couples, however, have dreamed of cementing their relationship with matching underwear, sentimental tchotchkes, or his-and-hers/hers-and-hers/his-and-his branded bedding. And yet, the marketplace is flooded with them. For some reason, simply buying the place setting or NutriBullet that couples really want and have registered for is too easy. Certain guests feel they need to stand out from the crowd with a unique, unsolicited gift. In doing so, they impose their own tastes and priorities on the newlyweds. They think that wearing a Vera Wang gown on one single day out of your entire life means you now go weak in the knees for anything trimmed in tulle and bearing the stamp "bride." They don't get that you really, really just want that damn NutriBullet.

Without further ado, we present 15 gifts that deserve an eye roll — not a thank you on monogrammed stationery.
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Photo: Courtesy CafePress.
This Guy Loves His Wife T-Shirt

Love means never having to advertise your feelings like you're a beagle being shamed for pooping on your owner's Jimmy Choos.
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Photo: Courtesy My Snuggie Store.
Snuggie Up Bikini-Bathing Suit

You are never going to have sex again, but you will catch up on every episode of House of Cards in a single weekend. Every cloud.
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Photo: Courtesy Things Remembered.
Engraved Heart 3D Crystals

Is that you, Princess Leia? Oh, wait, no, it's us, in that photo your Aunt Barb took at the reception.
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Photo: Courtesy Amazon.
Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates

We're not like other married couples. We had a whisky tasting and a mariachi band at the reception. We're never selling out. We're never moving to the suburbs. Everyone else is a phony. Nothing is going to change.
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Photo: Courtesy Bed Bath & Beyond.
Bride & Groom Aprons

This schmaltzy apron set is guaranteed to make you lose your appetite.
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Photo: Courtesy Shreddies.
Shreddies Ladies Flatulence Pajamas

Yes, there are pajamas and undies out there that are designed to suppress fart smells. Isn't half the fun of marriage subjecting your spouse to Dutch oven attacks?
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Photo: Courtesy Amazon.
BoldLoft Made For Each Other Gay Couple Pillowcases

There's just something about those puzzle pieces...
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Photo: Courtesy Target.
Strand Trophy Wife Graphic Tee

There was no card, but you're pretty sure your husband's ex sent over this sexist little surprise.
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Photo: Courtesy ABC Underwear.
Slaves of Love Underwear Set

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO.
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Photo: Courtesy CafePress.
Just Married Personalized Wedding Baby Bodysuit

Of course your family planning is going to start the second you step inside your honeymoon suite. As Chrissy Teigen would say, get out of my uterus.
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Photo: Courtesy Amazon.
Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart, by Sherry Argov

A better book would be, Why Couples Invite Passive-Aggressive Jerks To Their Wedding.
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Photo: Courtesy Bed Bath & Beyond.
Lillian Rose Bride and Groom Drink Glass Covers

Remember when you were Sandra and Chris, and not the bride and groom? We're pretty sure you can handle drinking a beer without a piece of lace or bow tie attached.
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Photo: Courtesy Francesca's.
New Husband Voodoo Doll

The nagging spouse routine is not a good look.
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Photo: Courtesy Vermont Teddy Bear.
Fifty Shades of Grey Christian Grey Bear

Let's just keep E.L. James away from your marriage as much as possible, okay?
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Photo: Courtesy Bed Bath & Beyond.
Waterford Wedding Couple Sculpture

You're totally going to blame the movers for shattering this treasured, not-creepy-at-all keepsake.