Stoya On Erotica & Pain After Sex

11 comments

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We love chatting with Stoya — writer, thinker, on-screen-sex haver — about all manner of sexual, sensual, and feminist topics. In fact, we had so much fun talking with her, we asked her to write a monthly sex and relationship advice column. Have a burning question? Send any and all queries to stoya@refinery29.com. (No dick pics, please.) Questions may be edited for clarity.

My man really wants me to learn how to squirt. He said it is the ultimate turn-on, and I really want to please him. Is every girl able to squirt, or is this just in pornos? What are some ways I can learn? Please help! — MS

Ohhhhboy. The scientific community still doesn’t seem able to come to a firm decision on whether female ejaculation exists at all. Some of the fluid you see in pornographic films definitely doesn’t look/feel/smell/taste like pee, some of it very much does, and some of it is just water that’s been shoved into the female performer’s vagina. I know about the water trick because of Asa Akira’s book, Insatiable. Actually, I already knew about it, but I wasn’t going to be the one to publicly out that particular trade secret. I’m also not going to tell you how the trick works, because Asa’s book is really good and you should read it.

When squirting is being faked with pee, it can’t just be called "pee" for fear of obscenity charges; I guess the government considers a little bit of pee between consenting adults more offensive than dishonesty. Any girl can drink tons of water to dilute her urine, pee on her sexual partners, and do a pretty decent job of fooling them into thinking it’s “squirting.” Now, is that ethical or fair? Not at all.

So, try having him stimulate your g-spot. If that doesn’t work, ask what specifically he finds so arousing about squirting. Is it the gush of water? Is it the power trip from making you lose control? Does he really just want to get peed on and can’t admit it to himself or you? Whatever button squirting pushes for him, there’s probably at least one other way to push it.
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Ok — my real-deal question. I've never really been into porn (although I may have made it onto an iphone recording — whoops). However, I'd like to find ways to get to know myself better sexually: what makes me tick and turns me on, new things to try. I was wondering if you could suggest any erotic novels, supposing that is a place to begin. — MC

Nicholson Baker’s House of Holes is incredibly inventive. This particular book is notable because Baker imagines scenarios that are truly creative and stand out in the pantheon of fictional works centered around sex. The Alt Sex Stories Text Repository can be a bit of a mess to navigate, but it’s a near-endless trove of erotic stories about every subject under the sun. I do mean every subject, so prepare to bump into things that may be disturbing or offensive to you. On a more traditional note, romance novels are full of suggestive love scenes, and Anne Rice’s The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (originally published under A. N. Roquelaure) is a good old BDSM-themed standard.

There are also a number of adult-film performers who have written about their sexual adventures (both on- and off-screen) in ways that range from mundane to clinical to erotic. You may have to dig around the internet or their personal blogs, but check out Kayden Kross, Christian, and James Deen’s blogs, and all sorts of things that Jiz Lee and Courtney Trouble have written.

Lastly, don’t forget that something doesn’t necessarily have to be meant as erotic or sexually focused to turn you on. You might find something arousing in the packaging copy on a cereal box. I never have, but that doesn’t mean the possibility isn’t there.
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Since my wife has given birth she has gotten looser — a lot looser — and I really love it! I've been stretching her even more with my fingers and some toys and she really feels amazing. Are there any medical concerns or danger of her getting too loose? I love to encourage her and constantly tell her I don't ever want her to be tight again, but I don't want to do anything that would hurt her. — Paul

You and your wife should absolutely see a competent gynecologist to make sure that whatever you’re sticking in her isn’t going to do any physical damage — and you need to be completely honest about your activities when you’re talking to the doctor.

I’m also curious about your wife’s feelings on the subject. They’re conspicuously missing. If she loves her newly loose vagina and enjoys having it stuffed and stretched, that’s great. If she’s unsure, or not into it, you should probably talk it out and be considerate of her desires and feelings. If you proceed full-speed ahead, and she’s not on board, I can’t blame her for resenting you later.

That said, I adore you. May I use this letter as evidence that not everyone with a penis wants the holes they stick it in to be “tight”? Similar to this toxic concept that all penises must be huge, we’ve got a cultural idea that all holes should be tight. Not only are "huge" and "tight" subjective, but if the hugest and the tightest got together, it seems like they’d have a painful time if they wanted to engage in penetrative sex.
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I have rough sex a ton with my boyfriend, and I enjoy it a lot but afterwards I am super sore. We use lube to try and make it a slightly smoother process, but it doesn't really improve the achy vag. I was just wondering if you had any secret tips/tricks to soothe hurting lady parts. — AR

Is it an abrasion or an ache? If it’s an ache, lube probably isn’t going to help. If it’s a bruised feeling after sex, I suggest sitting in a bathtub full of epsom salt and water. I have no scientific basis for this suggestion, and it may, in fact, be purely a placebo, but a warm tub full of epsom-salt water helps just about everything achey, for me.