Hump, Marry, Kill: How Exactly Does One Get Marooned On An Island With Scott Speedman?

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Hump: As if there was even a shadow of doubt as to which team to be on when it came to the whole Ben-Felicity-Noel love triangle (some of us still haven’t let go of Felicity), allow me to present Scott Speedman: 2012 edition. Now starring on the new high-concept, lost-on-an-island series, Last Resort, it’s like, “Scott Foley who?”

Marry: Ever seen a grown man cry over a doll? When it’s Louis C.K. laboring over the piece of crap one he bought his daughter for Christmas in the midst of a clear existential “I’m going to be alone forever” downward spiral, it may be the funniest doll-repair moment in modern television. (And the competition is actually pretty fierce: Remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm doll haircut episode?)

The season finale of Louie was a series of ruminations on loneliness. There was the tale of Ping the duck, Fanny Chapcranter (best fictional news anchor name, ever) with her warning that there will be no one to “hold your body,” death as the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Eve, and the saddest imagined conversation between his grown-up daughters a father could ever have.

Daughter 1: “All he does is sit in that big, old chair and eat Pinwheel cookies.”
Daughter 2: “Why didn’t he try harder to be less alone?”
Daughter 1: “He’s so alone.”

I have an inkling that Louis C.K. is trying to tell us about his biggest fear, you know? But listen up, ladies: This is a man who will portray his most vulnerable self on national television. Most people don’t even let their guard down like that in the shower**. I have a feeling someone will come along to care for ol' Louis in his golden years.

**Insider tip: Crying in the shower saves loads of time.

Kill: You know those actors who are always on the verge but never quite reach maximum exposure and potential? David Krumholtz is totally one of those people. Sure, you could argue that he had a successful stint on the CBS procedural Numb3rs (what’s that? You didn’t watch? No worries, neither did I. My mom was a huge fan, though.), and that he scored a pretty plum gig playing Will McAvoy’s therapist on The Newsroom.

So, what’s the problem? Despite the aforementioned success in dramas, Krumholtz is now the star of a sitcom. But like, look at him. Recognize that face? Yeah, he’s Jake Johnson from New Girl’s doppelganger. While Krumholtz may have appeared on the scene first, Johnson beat him to the sitcom lead spot — and on a much better show. And just like Hollywood doesn’t actually have room for Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant, we don’t really need both these guys on sitcoms.

On Partners, Krumholtz plays the heterosexual half of a pair of lifetime bros based on the creators of Will & Grace. But timing, as they say, is everything. W&G broke television ground on the gay/straight BFF situation. Now, it’s nothing new. If the entire premise of the show is that a gay man and a straight man are inseparable, codependent friends, they’d better be fully developed, meaty characters the audience can immediately latch on to.

This is not the case with Partners. Michael Urie is the overly flamboyant gay man who’s forever meddling in straight dude Krumholtz’s life. It’s like Will & Grace — if Will & Grace focused on Jack and a random dude off the street. You know what’s not a meaty sitcom role? “Random Dude Off The Street.” That’s pretty much how Krumholtz’s character is written in the pilot. Also, he and Sophia Bush (who plays his fiancée) have about as much chemistry as two dinner plates.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be watching Jake Johnson use their face better on New Girl.

Photo: Courtesy of Mario Perez/ABC; Courtesy of FX; Courtesy of Matt Hoyle/CBS