Stoya On Period Sex & Having Babies

We love chatting with Stoya — writer, thinker, on-screen-sex haver — about all manner of sexual, sensual, and feminist topics. In fact, we had so much fun talking with her that we asked her to write a monthly sex and relationship advice column. Have a burning question? Send any and all queries to stoya@refinery29.com.
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I have two questions that are kind of one in the same: When I’m on my period, my boyfriend pretty much refuses to have sex with me. I can understand why; we’ve done it in the past and made a pretty good mess of our sheets. So, after that, we stuck to blow jobs whenever we were feeling randy. After a few months, I was sick of swallowing. He tried eating tons of pineapple — silly, I know — but it didn’t work, and I simply can’t stand the taste of it. I honestly tried to get used to it, but it made blow jobs not fun for me. And, they should be fun for everyone! So, we moved on to blow jobs where he would finish on my chest or back or ass. That was fine, but I find cleaning up horribly disgusting and annoying. It’s so messy to clean out of my hair whenever it accidentally gets a little too crazy. Is there any way I can enjoy the end of a blow job?!
My second question, which kind of relates to my first, is that I really want him to open up to having sex during my period. A few months ago, I went on birth control — making my periods blissfully lighter. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about ten months, and we’ve been living together for the past five months. (I know, we jumped the gun.) We argue every time my period rolls around. He thinks a little blood is disgusting, and I think swallowing and ejaculate anywhere outside of my vagina is gross and a big pain in the ass to deal with.
We love each other more than anything, and this isn’t a make-or-break kind of deal, but we just need to find some common ground.
— V
The mess that sex while menstruating leaves on sheets has an easy solution: throw an old towel down or have sex in the shower.
The rest of it is complicated. It sounds like the two of you have some pretty basic incompatibilities with regards to sex. He’s grossed out by blood, and you would like to have sex when you’re menstruating. You’re grossed out by the taste of his semen, and by him ejaculating on your body, but he wants to ejaculate in your mouth and on you.
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Everybody has a right to their own sexual preferences and limits, but they don’t have a right to expect the people they’re having sex with to remain unsatisfied or violate their own boundaries in order to cater to those preferences and limits.
Also, you’ve been dating for ten months, and you’re already arguing every few weeks about sexual activities. The whole thing seems pretty bleak to me. Are you sure this is about love — as opposed to maybe avoiding the annoyance of one or both of you finding a new place to live after just moving in together?
If you are sure, and you’re also sure that mismatched basic sexual tastes aren’t a make-or-break situation, the two of you are going to need to explore compromises. Maybe you both take a few days off from sexual interaction while you’re menstruating and masturbate or hold hands and snuggle instead. Maybe you discuss a conscious agreement to trade tolerance of things you dislike, meaning sometimes he does his best to ignore the blood and sometimes you do your best to suck it up and swallow.
Just make sure it’s a consciously discussed agreement, not you silently tolerating things and hoping he’ll do the same.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and everything has been great. He’s 11 years older than me — he’s 41 and I’m 30 — and I could not have asked for a more perfect mate and love him endlessly. The problem is that he doesn’t have kids, and he doesn’t want them. He was married for 10 years, and they did not have kids. I’ve never been married, but this guy is my dream-beyond-dream match.
When we first met and started dating, he said he wanted to get married and have a family. A year later, he asked me to move in with him. He slowly hinted to the thought of having kids “cramping his style” earlier on, but I pushed it aside because he’s great with them. After living with him for three months now, the children conversation came up, and he is now saying he changed his mind and doesn’t want them. After living with him and spending quality time with him, I truly believe he is telling the truth and that he would rather live his life without a family. I don’t know what to do because I have put all of my eggs in one basket and really thought this guy was The One. It’s still so early to be having this conversation, but I don’t see a future with him if he doesn’t see a future with me and having a family. Help! What do I do?
— S
You might want to find someone to hug you when you’re done reading this.
Your boyfriend is clearly not your perfect mate or your dream-beyond-dream match. You want what sounds like a traditionally monogamous family with children, and he is telling you he does not.
People aren’t magically perfect. Your life is not a Disney-style fairytale. Referring to any person or the idea of your perfect mate as “The One” sometimes indicates a fetishization and objectification of your partner — and then they aren’t really a partner, are they? They’re a prince or princess charming on a pedestal to fixate on.
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Of course, if you’ve put them on that perfection pedestal, you might brush off a comment that brings up conflicting life goals. You might rationalize it as cold feet, ignore it because everything else is so great and you don’t want to spoil the evening, avoid the discussion for fear of losing this person you’ve built up in your head to be the fantastical-exactly-right-creature-of-your-dreams.
I don’t believe it is ever too early to be having any conversation — especially when the conversations are with people you’re investing in romantically and about major needs and desires.
I suggest you deal with this now. Unless your last talk about kids was incredibly thorough, check in and make sure that you’re understanding him correctly. Ask him if he’s sure and if he’s sure that he’s sure. Express how important children are to you without making it an ultimatum.
If he’s sure he doesn’t want to have children, and you’re sure that you do, you have two options: end the relationship or accept that you won’t have the children you want.
Now, remember that part about getting a hug, because the past few paragraphs were pretty harsh.
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