Oh No, Cupid: Real Online Dating Emails From Random Dudes

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Sure, we all hear about decent human beings connecting with each other via online dating sites then meeting up, hooking up, and even shacking up. But sites like OkCupid, Match.com, and others aren’t all virtual flowers and fairy-tale social-networking romances.
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In fact, online dating can truly, epically, SUCK. Especially when an intelligent, smart, totally awesome woman must sort through piles of gnarly missives drafted by web-savvy Neanderthals to find her prince. Proof positive: this list of dispatches from the world’s most least eligible bachelors compiled by a friend of Refinery29, who is, bless, knee-deep in match-making “heaven.”
It is important to note, this story was inspired by an email from one of these fellows, which followed a first date and closed with: "and lastly, the only reason i didn't try to fuck you was because you really didn't appear to want that. :)"
Yes, a smiley face, because he's, you know, charming. Read on to see how great (and terrible) single life can truly be. [Ed. Note: All "handles" have been altered to protect the ignorant.]
"You've got a picture with a guitar and so do I. Hmmm, I wonder what that means? If you'd like to strike up a conversation, check out my profile." —EddieVanNailin
"You hunger for and run towards those experiences in life that are intense where you have to push yourself hard. This is another side of you. Finding those moments sweeps you away with great passion and feel fully alive. I want you to come closer." —GetInMyVan
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"Hey Pretty lady, I came across ur profile and liked what i saw. If I'm not too scary then maybe we could initiate a little conversation. Hope to chat soon" —ScarilySexxxy
"Wow.. You have are nice profile.. unfortunately I have no a lot of time for a chat here. Write me your email address. Then I can send you some more about me and send more photo of me. Ok?" —NoTime2Spare
"Hey how are you ? you look very very nice im 27 looking for someone real sincere honest women who is serious about relationship i know many women not like me want to have relationship with me cuz im from faraway but i still hope one day i ll meet my dream women she ll love me alot and same i ll return i feel to message u so i did lets friend and get to know other better if u interested im waiting" —MrNorthPole
"hi my name is nick. What's your name? What do you think of this website. I'm new here. I read your profile and I'm interested in getting to know you more. I am attracted to older women for many reasons. I am very mature for my age. Would you like to go out with me this weekend?" —SwearImNot15
"Hi dear..Checking through profiles for the right one for me, I came in contact with your profile and I must let you know that you have really got me on the neck with a hook. I will really love to get to know you better and take it more from there maybe a drink will be fine...Check through my profile and please tell me what you think, I will be so happy to know my dear. Note that distance is not a problem as I am ready to relocate for the right one, neither is age a problem as the main important thing right now is finding the right one" — Ready2MoveIn
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"I'm a classic romantic and know how to treat a woman right. I’m living proof that chivalry isn’t dead just yet. I’m also a very honest and straightforward guy. I’m always going to be myself, so what you see is what you get. (I happen to think you’ll be getting a good thing, but that’s what this is all about, right?)I’m an energetic guy, but have a pretty mellow and laid back personality. I keep a positive attitude and am quite happy with my drama-free life. The only thing that’s missing is a great woman to share it with. There are plenty more adventures to be had. The question is which one should we go on first? A few other important things for you to know…I’m good cook and am pretty good at keeping the house in order, too. Oh…and the most important thing I’ve learned to do over the years is I will always put the toilet seat down. (It’s actually not that hard! Gravity does most of the work!)In terms of my match, I want a woman who takes care of herself and is up for trying new things. I'm looking for someone to hold hands with, cuddle by the fire, share a glass of wine, and a few passionate kisses along the way. At the end of our lives, I believe we will be measured, not by our material accomplishments, but by our relationships -- the quality and depth for which we loved. For me, above all is love... .... Love is healing... Love is happiness and much more... Communication and Commitment help us to return to love when we lose our way...If I were to time travel and look back across a completed lifetime, this is what I plan to be saying..What did i do with my life?? hmm... Lived a life guided by love... was lucky enough to have found one very special person and loved her with all my heart and soul, gave her my time, my attention, my loving support, and did the best i could to always be there...We didn't always agree on things, but that was the best part of us... What we did do, was always find a way to make it work -- for us, and for everyone involved... We shared many life experiences together always looking for ways to make them fun... and believe me, sometimes that was no small task!!We found ways to make each day an adventure, and every now and then, found a way to sneak in a real adventure too... but all in all, it was the sharing that made it special. We are each far from perfect, but together... We were.... are....Perfection! So grateful and thankful am I, for the most wonderful opportunity of a lifetime.... to have lived a life of love...Later, when i asked my dogie what she thought, she said, "Hey, no one reads this stuff, they only look at the pictures... How about a biscuit and let's go for a walk!"Before we head off to the dog park, here is a bit more... Starting with, I'm more than a bit uncomfortable talking about me...would much prefer to learn more about you!"— TL;DR
"Hi there, The ability to make a contact means a lot when it comes to issue of relationship, in order to effect a true communication, there must be a respond either positive or negative... but all is said to be respond... as communication is all concerned."—MightBSpamBot
"Hi." —ShortNSweet
"Hello r u looking black lover I am intrested in that job Jamaican r good lover" — SextMeL8R
"Hi there. I was browsing through profiles and yours caught my attention. I will like to correspond with you and see where it leads from there. Message me if you welcome my hand of friendship."—MrDarcyInDisguize
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"Hello Cutie. How are I enjoyed reading about you! I really just would like to meet someone I could really care about and someone healthy. I have a great sense of humour as well, drives people nuts lol, do you mind email conversation? Have a wonderful day!"—HealthNutter83
"Feel a bit weird to do this , am an old fashioned guy...Just stumbled across your profile ,i am dazzled i mite look weird but get to know me .I am a single man and ar engineer .Am i actually trespassing or would you like to learn more about each other.Would be so pleased to get aline from you."— FckPunctuation
"I like your profile, hope you write and say hello, can email you a pic if you want. I work in midtown if NJ sounds awful."—GardnStateofMind
Got a horrifying online dating message of your own? Share in the comments below!
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