Why Mr. Meh Is SO Not Worth It: Kate Bolick Makes The Case Against Settling
We saw a lot of comments to the effect of, "you're not that special — you should just settle," on the story, online. A) Mean, but also B) It seems a bit like these people are missing the point. What is it that you wish they understood about your decisions and your larger thesis?
"Right? It’s like people who write in the comments sections make it a point to miss the point. Granted, I do think that my decision to not be didactic makes my piece somewhat confusing to respond to. The assignment was simply to take the current statistics around the worsening prospects of men and the bettering prospects of women and, drawing on my own observations and experiences, explore what that could mean for the future of dating and marriage. I had no idea where my search would lead me, and frankly I consider it ongoing. There’s no one answer to any of this.
"But, along the way I did come to a few conclusions, or clarifications rather, of ideas I’d held but not known how to articulate. Mainly: Marriage as we’ve known it is changing before our very eyes, and this is a very good thing. I see myself as among the first wave of a transitional generation that embarked on adulthood blinded by a certain cognitive dissonance. We were raised to believe we would conduct our lives as our parents had conducted theirs, yet our reality is radically different than theirs were, economically, socially, and demographically, and the old scripts simply don’t apply anymore. This doesn’t mean that people won’t continue to get married — a committed, loving relationship is a beautiful and necessary ideal. But it shouldn’t be the only ideal, or the highest one."
You've surely read Lori Gottlieb's story on settling ("Marry Him!"). Do you see the woman you are speaking to as coming from a different place, or do you think you just understand her differently? Do you think Gottlieb does a disservice to women?
"Gottlieb does a disservice to everyone. Her message is simply a rewording of the same old message that women have always received: You don’t know what you want; What you want doesn’t matter; You should spend the rest of your life sleeping with a guy who doesn’t interest or excite you. How is an enervating, loveless marriage possibly good for anyone? Even her tone is condescending in the old male fashion, such as her infamous paragraph about how any 30-year-old woman who isn’t worried about her prospects is either in denial or lying: 'Take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried,' she writes, 'because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.' I mean, really.
"I am without a doubt saying don’t settle. For the first time in history women are actually equipped — with college and graduate degrees; with valuable workplace skills; with real earning power — to write their own lives, and because of this we should all pause and think very hard and honestly about what we actually want. All along I thought I wanted marriage, and entered all of my relationships with that ideal in mind, but then I kept leaving. What was that about? I wasn’t being 'picky' — my complaint was rarely with the man himself — it was that the act of coupling kept feeling like a narrowing rather than an expansion, and I would get tired and depressed. Finally, I had to have a good, long talk with myself to try and figure out what I truly craved, which turned out to be — for the time being — experience and unpredictability over stability and security. Given my temperament, I do believe that I’ll eventually want to be married, but only when I’m ready for it, and with a man who shares my values. For now, I feel very fortunate that I’ve built my life in such a way that I have the resources and freedom to pursue my own interests, and to truly enjoy being single."
The positive note you end on, regarding the celebration of female friendship — female bonding filling the same function as a relationship with a man, in a lot of ways — is so inspiring. Do you see the 'It takes a village' model of community child-rearing as the next iteration of the modern family, or just as an ideal?
"I think it would be amazing if we consciously went in this direction, but I suspect that it’s a little utopian. The myth of the nuclear family looms large, and it’s going to take quite a lot for people to let go of it. But we’d be so much better off if we could."
That idea of female friendship affecting our relationships with men is something my girl friends and I so often discuss. How maybe we have more trouble committing to guys who other girls (who don't have those some types of close friends) would be perfectly happy with, because our standards for support and love and consideration are higher. How does that story play out, though? Do you think as some of those same friends get older and do get married, the rest of us change our perspectives on relationships?
"I know exactly what you mean. But it’s nothing for any of us to be worried about. Love begets love. If you have great, supportive friend networks you are actually opening and preparing yourself to love romantically in a more sustainable way. After my college roommate got married, she told me that our friendship had taught her the communication skills she needed to build a true relationship with her husband. It was one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me.
"Another thing to keep in mind is that our life trajectories are less and less linear. People get married — and then 50% of the time they get divorced. In all these years of being unmarried I’ve watched friends split up and remarry, or have affairs, or be cheated on, or stay in relationships they didn’t want to be in. After a while I realized that none of us was any better or worse off than anyone else."
Photo: Courtesy of The Atlantic
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