Why Mr. Meh Is SO Not Worth It: Kate Bolick Makes The Case Against Settling
We'll admit it: We wait with bated breath for the women and relationships and future of dating/marriage stories that The Atlantic puts out once every six months or so. Some of them we don't quite love (Lori Gottlieb, we're looking at you), and some of them, we're truly perplexed by (Lori, that's you again). But this month's cover story, "All the Single Ladies," really got us thinking. In it, Brooklyn-based writer Kate Bolick delves into a fascinating, terrifying, beautiful, brilliantly researched exploration of the reality of dating and marriage today, and what it means to live in a society with a shortage of eligible men (for us, that means someone brilliant, engaging, and moderately attractive, but define it how you will).
Still, the reason her story elicits such an emotional response in us (terror, hope, a sense of calm, and a few other yet-to-be-identified feelings) has to do with more than just her research. We fell in love with Bolick instantly. She unabashedly owns her single-girl status and spills her heart out about previous relationships which almost worked, as well as the ones that definitely never would. She poses on the cover of the magazine looking gorgeous and happy. And even while she's making us realize that we might not just bump into Mr. Right on the subway one day (the numbers don't lie — we might never meet him at all), she makes the case against settling. And as far as we're concerned, no woman or man should ever have to.
Bolick's piece definitely sparked conversation around the R29 offices...and still is. Single or otherwise, we all have a stake in the decline of men and in the future of marriage. So, we locked her down to pick up where she left off in The Atlantic. Read on for our intimate convo with this inspiring single lady, and let us know in the comments how Bolick's story affected you.
We loved your interview with the Hairpin—particularly when you delve into your takeaway of how women are altering their definitions of what "marriageable" means. As a single girl, this resonates with me in a very real way. It feels like an ongoing struggle to define that one word for myself. How have you seen your own standards morph over the years?
"I like this question so much, in part because I’m finding it so hard to answer. My friends sometimes tease me for not having high enough standards — they think I’m open to a fault. The truth is, I have no standards. I mean, I’m attracted to specific things — intellect; creativity; humor — but outside of those and a few other core qualities I have no set expectations around what a man should be, whether rich or poor, or tall or short, or whatever. I think I read too many fairy tales as a child — “The Frog Prince”; “Beauty and the Beast” — and created a worldview based on love popping up where you least expect it. And the thing is, love does pop up where you least expect it."
You also mentioned to them, right when the story came out, that you were sure you'd get tons of hate mail about why you're single. Have you? What kinds of responses have you gotten to this story? What's been the most shocking, and what's been the most inspiring or encouraging?
"My first bona fide hate message arrived just yesterday. It’s titled 'Get a real life' and begins: 'You make me sick. Why can’t all you educated white females just go out on a date and be as nice to a man as you are to all your cell-phone freak girlfriends.' Shockingly, the overwhelming response has been incredibly positive. I’ve received hundreds of emails from men and women of all ages from all over the world — long, confessional outpourings describing their own romantic stories and attitudes. It’s been fascinating, and I haven’t even begun to figure out how to respond."
Photographed by Patrick Romero
