This story was originally published on December 23, 2014.
Update: Amid last year's flurry of guides to "discreetly" hooking up at your family home over the holidays, we set forth an alternative option: Don't. The recommendation applies this year, too — here's why.
There's no question: The holidays are an etiquette minefield. Who gets a tip? How much should you spend on gifts? Does your greeting card convey the warmest of tidings while remaining holiday-neutral? Here's another important question: What's the best way to get laid at your mom's house?
Everyone from Salon to Jezebel to a highly concerned reddit thread is abuzz with this holiday pickle. "I want (need) to have sex with him when he is here," says one woman seeking help on Yahoo Answers. "I live in Minneapolis, so sex outside is not an option. I'm thinking we will just have to do it in the car. But i here that can get trickey.... Any tips?"
Here's one: Chill out.
Let's just put our pants back on and consider for a moment. What is the worst-case scenario here? You're at your parents' house for a few days of holiday-ing with your S.O., and both of you become suddenly, unstoppably horny but cannot immediately bone? Okay, fine. That's a bummer. But, it is not an EMERGENCY. You're both adults here and
probably definitely capable of keeping your urges in check without humping the furniture. You don't need a 15-step guide on how to quell the burning fire of your loins without getting caught by mom.
It's really quite simple. If sex at your parents' house is such a complicated, stressful procedure, here's how you do it: You don't.
Is it really worth all this strategizing — and risk? Sure, almost getting caught can be super hot. But, actually getting caught, you may find, is less hot. Least hot of all is getting caught by your grandfather. Good luck recovering from that one by next year/ever.
We’re not saying you need to shut down your sex drive until New Year’s. If, by some miracle, your libido appears like a shining star in the eastern sky, we're confident you'll figure it out. How do you have sex at your parents' house? You have sex. In the house. It's probably going to be fast and quiet and a little weird. If that's your jam, then jam on, friends. If not, then high-five your sexytime partner with the promise of a really, really good time as soon as you get home. You and your grandfather can thank us later.